“Eff the Ineffable”

By Graydancer

“Somebody, somewhere, has a cock bigger than yours.”

Somewhere, it exists. I don’t care how well hung your bio-cock is, how amazing the girth. Even those of you who are running to your dishwashers to pull out the double-ended cockzilla that you bought at IML, I can guarantee that next year in Chicago they’ll have the “Mark II” out, bigger and longer and phallickier than yours.

I’ve been teaching this concept for years in my “Hot and Kinky” class. Somebody, somewhere, has a cock bigger than yours. Once you realize that, it should be quite a relief, because you can stop trying so hard.

It’s not particularly American trait (the Romans, for example, were even worse than we are) but there seems to be some obsession with being “the best.” Even in the scene, people are often using hyperbole: “The best event ever, with the hottest/smartest/leatheriest presenters from around the world!” On a more personal level, you see it in the way people will try to be toppier or more bottomly, whether in numbers (“How many people did you suspend tonight?”) or in degree (“Fingered me? He German-Anal-Luge-Fisted* me!”).

It comes up occasionally in negotiation as well. There are tops whose goal is to be the “most intense” or the “most fucked up” or the “most orgasmic.” The problem is, that’s kind of setting things up to fail. What if you give him three orgasms, but his mistress gave him four once – does that diminish the previous ones? I think not. Worse, what if you succeed in being “the most” whatever? Two possible outcomes could result: either the person never matches it (in which case you have possibly given them a dragon to chase they can never capture) or else the next person does beat it…at which point your scene is dismissed, because it’s value was based on being the [insert hyperbole].

A friend of mine owns a lovely slave and considers it part of his responsibility to expand her horizons based on her interests. There was a particular top who was interested in playing with her, and of course she recommended he talk with her Master.

Master asked the would-be top: what do you bring to the table? Why should I let you play with her? The top had listed several of his domly skills (rope, impact play, knife play, the man is not without skills). But the Master just scratched his head, and said Well…no, I don’t think so. If she wanted to have any of those particular experiences, I can either do them myself, or else I know people who are, frankly, better at it than you.

As he told me about this, I tried to imagine how I would answer that question. Why should I let you play with her, Graydancer? What do you bring to the table? I realized that my own self-worth would come to the fore, and my answer would simply be: Me.

I told my friend that, and he said “Yes. That would have been a perfectly acceptable answer. And the follow up is: Good, now what does that mean?”

I’m still chewing on that one. I won’t ever be the best rope top, the meanest sadist, the cutest dom on the block. What I am, though, is the only Gray. So what does that mean? What do I bring to the table that no one else can, that makes our interactions together unique? Pondering this is a valuable lesson in both humility and self-esteem.

Having the skills is important. Learning to negotiate, to navigate relationships, to take responsibility for consent and respect, that’s all important. Let’s not forget, though, that we are all (as Lee Harrington puts it) unique little snowflakes. There is something ineffable about every one of us that perks the interest of that ineffable something in someone else. But you have to figure it out – eff the ineffable, if you will – in order to really use it effectively.

If you can’t think of any reason why people should play with you beyond a menu of skills and a list of references, I would suggest that you may be in trouble. Because there is somebody hotter, faster, stronger, younger, slicker, smarter, and with a gargantuan cock coming through the dungeon door any minute now.

But they aren’t you. That gives you the advantage.

Better use it.

With thanks to Evan for the concept, complete with hand gestures (ask him sometime)