by N
I am a burlesque performer, a burlesque performer who measurements do not fall into the category of 36-24-36 but more like 43-36-42. I am a size 12 and not a size 2. My stomach pops out and from certain angles, makes me look more pregnant than toned. My ass is full of cellulite and my arms are flabby. From “society” standard, I am plus size and from the normal American magazines point of view, I should be stuffing myself with fad diets and Slimfast.
The constant pressure to be thin, toned and perfect would make any woman feel ashamed of her body, and for me it was no different. For years I longed for a nose job, liposuction and a host of other plastic surgery options. I hated my body and I hated my face. I always had an excuse for staring at myself in the mirror meticulously picking apart at myself.
It continued on way into my early 20’s with the constant picking and the constant self-criticizing. My self-esteem was at an all time low. The strange part was that I thought that it was completely normal to hate myself. I thought that this was part of being an adult woman.
It was then during my mid-20’s that I longed for a newer sense of my creativity and began fetish modeling. Through exploring my latex clothing fetish and posing for provocative pictures, a new version of my degraded self-esteem began to emerge. I began to “like” the way I looked and that was a foreign sensation to me. I had never looked at myself and especially in such imagery and complimented myself! I began to like this and wanted more.
After more and more photographs were taken, I began to bore of posing. It wasn’t satisfying the hunger that it first gave me. After 2 years of driving all around the state and beyond to work with countless respected photographers, this growing feeling inside needed to sprout in a big big way but I had no clue as to what exactly that was.
Myspace at the time was THE website to be on….this was before Facebook and Twitter. As if there was a time before twitter, but I rest my case. I found an ad for burlesque classes and something in me just clicked. There was a moment when the lightbulb in my head turned on and I knew I didn’t find the random ad by accident. I knew right there and then that I found my calling, though I didn’t even know where to start. This journey would take me into the next incarnation of my evolution as the artist known only as N.
Stay Tuned for Part Two on how burlesque changed my life and gave me a renewed sense of self-worth, confidence and a sexy booty shake!