Mr. Emphatically Not Gay

by Amethyst Wonder

Unlike last month’s article, this is not about a guy I met online. This is about four guys I met online. I’m lumping them all together because they shared the same annoying trait.

Each of these episodes begins the same; they seem like a good fit for something I’m looking for (usually ongoing casual sex). Each of these episodes ends the same; they make some declaration about not being into “any of that gay shit,” which they then define as something ridiculous like having sex while there is another male alive somewhere on the planet.

Episode 1: There are some guys who can’t stop talking about their desire to be pegged. And then there are guys who can’t even bear the thought of someone playing with their asses. After a promising online chat, I met a potential sexual partner in person. Other than his seeming a bit conventional, he met every requirement I have for sexual partners until…

He leaned in close and asked if I was into anal. Before I could answer, he went on to tell me how much he loved it and how it was his “thing.” I finally got to tell him that I did enjoy anal play, and then I asked him if he liked giving, receiving, or both. Take a moment to glance back up at the title of this article, and you’ll probably get an idea of his answer.

He shoved himself back from the table, declaring, “I don’t do that gay shit! I’m a man. I’m a MAN! That’s gay shit, taking it up the ass. I’m a man. I thought you was a woman! I thought you was looking for a MAN!”

So now, not only would pegging make him not a man, it would make me not a woman. Great. So glad we cleared that up. Mutually agreed, definitive end of date.

Episode 2: I met another potential partner early last year, shortly after Dark Odyssey Winter Fire 2009. As is common after these events, I was a little floaty, and my date was curious. I shared tales of my own experiences as well as things I witnessed. I paused when my date’s brow furrowed in confusion. I asked him what was wrong.

In explaining the phenomenon that is Sex-O-Rama, I had just told him of a very hot (hetero) couple having sex in the corner of the room while lots of other people watched – some just watching, some masturbating, some having sex of their own. But my date was suddenly disturbed by one specific detail of this story: there was a guy having sex while other guys were watching and getting off. Never mind that the guy was having sex with a girl. The fact that he could have sex with other penises, let alone other erect penises, exposed made him a little bit gay.

Now, to be (more than) fair, when asked if the guy in question was into guys, I answered that I honestly had no idea and that it was possible. I was somewhat willing to take this as a teaching moment. But the kicker was that the fact that my date had up to this point been aroused by this story made him uncomfortable because it might imply that he was gay. No, really. He said that.

“I just don’t want you to think I’m gay or anything like that because I was into the story. I mean, if I’d realized the guy was gay I wouldn’t have been into it.”

OK, thanks for playing. Date unilaterally ended.

Episodes 3 & 4: This episode involves two guys. I start chatting with a guy who is saying all the right things. Then he mentions he has a buddy, and they’ve always wanted to share a girl. I’m (theoretically) game, so we start talking logistics. Suddenly, with absolutely no prompting on my part, one of them says, “And you know we’re both straight, right? So no gay shit like double-penetration.”

I explain to them that unless the meaning of double-penetration has changed to mean your buddy penetrates you while you penetrate me, I fail to see how double-penetration constitutes “gay shit.”

“We can’t have sex with you at the same time. That would be like having sex with each other.”
“Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You both have your dick in a girl, but that’s gay?”
“Yeah, I mean, that’s just like having sex with another guy. I can’t have sex with another guy.”

Ok, thanks. Bye now. The date ends before it begins.

The Moral of the Story: Hey, my friends are all over the gender and sexual orientation spectrum. I like straight guys just fine. But if you are so scared of being in the same area code as gay that you shun perfectly heterosexual activities, there’s something else going on.

There are so many things to take away from this that I’ll probably miss a few.

A good friend pointed out, there’s something really wrong with the fact that Guy #1 finds receiving anal sex beneath him as a man, but he loves to do it to women. It’s like he’s saying that women are only holes or receptacles for sex, not full participants.

I have to wonder if Guy #’2’s homophobia is really just covering up some serious insecurity. If there are no other guys in the room, then there’s no one to compare him to. But he can hide his insecurity be deeming the whole situation “kinda gay.”

Also, Guy #2 was more concerned that I might think he was gay than anything else. It occurs to me that knowing whether or not you’re gay (or whatever you are) should trump someone else’s perception of you – true or false. But then, that’s why I’m fascinated by labels.

I think the common theme here is that these guys feel that their sexuality is being challenged. They lack either the confidence or the comfort in their own sexuality to not worry about how (let alone, whether) an activity, another person’s presence, or someone else’s perception might affect their orientation. As my same brilliant friend summarized, “Confidence in your sexuality is largely independent of being able to cleanly define your sexuality.”

But at the end of the day, the most important point is so obvious, I hope, that I completely forgot to include it during my earlier drafts. Before we even get to ridiculous ideas about what makes a person gay, or whether your sexual identity can be defined by an activity, these guys are working from the fundamental assumption that there’s something wrong, or at least inferior, with being gay. And if you believe that, your view of the world and mine just aren’t going to line up. You’re claiming superiority over a group of people based on things you seem to have absolutely no idea about. Date over, because you probably aren’t going to be any happier with me than I am with you.