By Micah Schneider
There really isn’t a lot a difference between writing an advice column for polys than writing for mono folks. Aside from occasionally needing Venn diagrams to describe our relationships, we’ve got the same problems and issues to overcome. We share in many of the same hopes and dreams. My topic this time comes from a friend of mine, and it applies to everyone, regardless of relationship style.
Nothing is beyond conversation.
It’s an idea that is relevant to my own life right now. There are four of us (soon to be five, sometime in March. Congratulations and Treasury bonds for the little bundle of joy welcome!) in our family. One of us has an outside partner at the moment, someone that we all consider a dear friend. They’ve been dating for about a year now, and it has slowly been growing into a deep and meaningful relationship.
As it was developing deeper, our partner wasn’t telling us that it was happening. This relationship started as a fun little exploration, two friends clicking and wanting to see where it went. Harmless enough, and fairly common if you’re poly. One of the best parts of being poly is not having to slam on the breaks when someone fancies you just because you have a partner already.
The mistake, of course, was forgetting to keep us in the loop. It wasn’t nefarious, or ill-intended. Far from it. We all like this outside partner, and we all spend a lot of time together. But while we were all spending a lot of time together, in various combinations, we weren’t talking to each other about where this relationship was going.
Our partner was worried about having this conversation, because where the relationship started and where it was going were two different things. But we all talked, in various combinations, and when we were done, everything was fine. Better than fine, maybe. The two lovebirds are off having their very first sleepover date as I write this. That wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t talked.
A partner taking a relationship to the next level is a big deal, and scary to boot. Lots of things are. Changing jobs. Having a child. Going back to school. Starting a business. Life changing events, potential or otherwise, should be a no-brainer to talk to your partners about, right? Nerves can be funny like that. But if you’ve got that next big dream, next big idea, or next big love, don’t put it beyond conversation, or you may never realize it.