By Jay Morgan
Lets consider for a moment, a curious, committed couple is considering stepping into the BDSM/Kink lifestyle for real. This adventurous couple has “researched” online, bought a flogger, and some cuffs. They have talked at great length about going to a munch to meet people they have interacted with online. This couple has decided to meet some other people and maybe learn something about flogging, or rope bondage. The next part is a big step for any couple, regardless of relationship maturity.
There is lots of anxiety before the first munch. Getting used to the unspoken secret everyone at the munch knows discussed in hushed tones takes a little getting used to. A munch, or party is pretty similar to the first experience at any social situation, whether starting a new school, job, or a special interest group. The same social rules that apply to interacting with others in any other setting apply to responsible sex positive behavior. At parties rules are in place for everyones comfort and protection. Just because someone likes to be led around naked with a collar and leash does not mean that you can just walk up and have sex with them, or that they would even want to have sex with you in the first place.
Now lets say our couple takes up up dancing, they sign up to the local dance club and take lessons every Wednesday, then every other Friday go to the local dance club and show off their new moves. They meet a wide variety of people, excellent dancers who teach well, and yes, some who are more enamored with themselves than anyone else.There are going to be the predatory types that chase after the vulnerable, demonstrating a counterfeit wisdom that dispenses self righteous blather in a vain attempt to impress others. This behavior is found everywhere, BDSM is not unique to this.
The times you might see your partner dancing with someone else may cause some insecurity, feelings of doubt, and jealousy. The feelings are natural, but how one might choose to deal with them is the hard part. One can delight in seeing their partner enjoy the dance, allowing the moment to be experienced, and share in the afterglow. Situations that initiate conversation between two persons facilitates a more healthy experiences, whether you might be learning to use a single tail, or doing the waltz.
As a couple you have rules that, once agreed upon, should be honest and flexible. If you are learning to dance, you may have a rule that says no dancing with anyone without the other present. Similar to a rule that may prohibit intercourse, or specific toys. These rules will assist with navigating circumstances that people may happen upon when relationships are developed with people you have just met. Before going into any situation consider what your desires, motivations, and purposes might be. Discussing these with your partner, and giving yourself patience to deal with the unexpected will make for a healthier, happier kink experience.
BDSM, in many ways, is similar to learning a dance, riding horses, or playing golf together. Its just that there is an overt sexual dynamic that happens to be present. Learning that kink is as much about the interaction between two or more people, than it is about the physical act of sex itself, is the hard part.
How a couple or individual explores this dynamic can make for a good or bad experience in BDSM/kink. Remembering to keep it simple, just like learning to dance together, its a new adventure for both of you. Each partner has to have the willingness to stumble, get out of step with each other and try again. The reason you are learning is to have fun discovering, exploring, and enjoying life, however you may live it.