Broaching the Topic: BDSM

This article is the second of a two-part series about raising the question of BDSM with a potential romantic partner one has met without knowing whether there is a shared interest in BDSM.

So you have met someone and you think you hear opportunity knocking. What do do?

If you are going to raise the topic of BDSM, there are ways to do so more effectively. The safest approach is to test the waters. You can do so by making references to films, videos, or stories that have BDSM elements and see how the partner responds to it. Do you see a twinkle in the eye, or do you see look of disgust?

What if the response is neutral or conveys disinterest? It’s possible the door knock you heard was from another door down the hall. Or there might be hope yet. The disinterest could be because of negative stereotypes or conservative upbringing. Here what matters is whether the person has the type of mind and thinking that could allow one to look past the stereotypes or negative thinking. What does this person think about gay rights? Is this person receptive to new ideas or ways of seeing things? The social circle or events you choose can affect the odds for finding a person with an open mind.

If they show disinterest and do not seem open to questioning what they have been taught by society, I am not optimistic. If they do seem open, one might choose to bring it up explicitly: I like kinky stuff!

There are ways to have this conversation more effectively. You could leap toward that door and kick it open with an emphatic karate kick. But let’s take baby steps towards that door, shall we? Here are expressions that would make Bruce Lee proud:

• I want to be beaten bloody with whips and chains!
• I want you to piss on my face and humiliate me!
• Would you torture and abuse me?
• I want you to rape me!
• I want to be your pathetic slave and obey your commands!

 

These words above are more loaded than Dirty Harry’s gun…when it’s loaded that is. Let’s opt for more neutral words and smaller leaps.

• I enjoy erotic power exchange.
• I like to mix pleasure with a touch of pain.
• I like to please and put my partner’s pleasure before my own.
• I like kink!
• I like being tied up. I suppose blindfolded also.

 

You are gently telling them the general ballpark of where you are. Be empathetic that these ideas might be new for them but do not be apologetic; do not cast the activities or yourself in negative light. Use positive words: I love doing that! I love how I feel when a partner ties me up! It’s bliss! I think hands and feet are beautiful and I have a soft spot for them! There is nothing wrong with your perspiration–it’s clean to me (versus I want to lick your sweaty feet).

Use words and concepts the everyday person can understand. Use analogies with which they can relate.

For example:

Striking (I said striking versus hitting because it’s less loaded) is not a hostile action in itself. It’s not the action but the intent that defines the action. A rival football players strikes an opponent on the helmet out of frustration and it means one thing. A football player smacks his teammate on the helmet after a big play, and it means another thing. The same is true in BDSM. It is not the act but the intent behind the act that defines it. And in BDSM the intent is positive. It is positive because people like these activities. It is positive because it conveys trust that the act comes from good will, just as it is in the example with the football teammate. It is positive because those into BDSM engage in these activities with people they like. Just as a couple might hold hands to tell each other they like each other, in BDSM people do their thing to tell each other they like each other.

Use humor! I have at times revealed a bit more about myself with humor: Yeah, this whole Mardi Gras ritual of waving beads and asking women to show me their boobs doesn’t call out to me so much. But we’d have a whole different story if they were taking off their shoes and showing their feet!

Use baby steps! Use neutral words! Use examples they can understand! Use humor!

Your partner just might look at you in the eye and say, “Open Sesame, Love.”