Shame is like a sexual illness… and the antidote, please?

Very few people have been given healthy approval, support and respectful privacy to self-pleasure. On the contrary, most people have vivid memories of being overtly shamed at a young age by others about the natural discovery of sexual self-stimulation. Just a few short decades ago, the ignorance and shaming of masturbation in the medical field was so severe, that ideas of going blind and getting hairy palms as symptoms of having sex with oneself can still strike fear and alienation into the hearts of generations of people. Furthermore, that fearful shame can be so prevalent and ingrained that we carry it with us all our lives, and in some cases, it seems negatively fused to our sexuality.

Yet, of all the partners, lovers and sexual playmates that may come your way, there is only one person that knows you most intimately — yourself. Alas, all too often our society looks down at solo sexuality, hypocritically though, since most all of us have found solace in our left or right hand. As the old saying goes, the rest of us lie about it.

Sure, there is nothing like having an intimate sexual experience with another person, but the same can be said about having sex with yourself. Only you can instantly know exactly what you need and what you want at any given moment. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to be “clear” about anything. You don’t have to adjust your position to accommodate anyone else. With the speed of thought and passion you know what has to be done and…it’s done!

Therefore, why even compare and compete which is better — solo or partnered sex? That’s just an ass backwards way to feel bad about yourself when you are alone. Why deem a loser or winner at all? The plain truth is you are the fertile ground of learning unconditional love. It is foundational that the only way to truly love others is to learn to love yourself. The same goes for sex as well. The negative myth in our society is that if a person gets “too comfortable” with solo sex, said person won’t want it with anyone else. Research indicates the opposite. The more you know what brings you pleasure, the easier it is to communicate that to a partner.

Still, I often see a disconnect between self-love and solo sex. Even sexually progressive people who are comfortable talking about their sex lives often times give every reason in the book for masturbation — blowing off steam, a distraction, helps them sleep, horny, and more. Mind you, these are all perfectly legitimate reasons that give purpose to my self-play as well. What I so rarely hear is anyone saying, “(big sigh!) I made mad, passionate love to myself for hours last night!”

Although it sounds silly, for many of us, that’s exactly what we need. Okay, so you don’t have that special someone at your side right now. What’s your excuse for not ravaging yourself with love? Don’t you need a little TLC? Why wait? What does it take? How bad does it have to get before you give yourself the deep satisfaction you want — without conditions?

What typically happens, as I see it in myself and in so many others, is that we have been taught not to love but to punish. When we don’t seem to have every little thing exactly the way it “should” be (as if it ever will be perfect), we heap all the more feelings of “less than,” undeserving, reward/punishment (with very little reward), and self-loathing — exactly the opposite of what we need and want.

So I ask you, if your ideal partner was having a down day and in need of some lovin’, would you verbally put her down, make him feel worse, tell her to work harder or tell him that he was just plain undeserving? Of course not, so why do it to yourself?

Ultimately, part of the reason this sounds so foreign is that we are not given any positive examples of this kind of loving. This is similar to our society becoming saturated with obsessive and negative sexuality simply because we have so few sex positive role models. Therefore, I have lead small groups: Mens Sacred Self-loving Circle. A kind of circle jerk where guided, meditative masturbation can be exemplified and affirmed by supportive, unashamed self-loving men. Where a man can be affirmed for tangibly loving himself with the full acceptance of like-hearted men. Groups like these are truly unique experiences.

So, the next time you sexually pleasure yourself, take the time to go all out. Light the candles. Draw a bubble bath. Make this not just a quick rub to relieve the pressure. Make deep and passionate love to yourself — that’s real stress relief for ya! Be mindful and “heartful” of the endless loving energy you can bestow on yourself. As you fill yourself to overflow with grateful adoration, I promise that it will glow and flow beyond you. As you love yourself, so shall others experience the love you embody.