There’s something of a crisis of celebrity in kink world. There just aren’t enough superstars for us to look up to. This is completely opposite of what we hear about mainstream society, where celebrity worship is blamed for the downfall of society on a regular basis. Kink-dom does have a few who qualify for name-in-lights status, such as Fetish Diva Midori. These folks travel around the world doing what they love. They are great at what they do. They share and promote kink, and we love them for it.
Locally we might have a mini celebrity, a role model kinkster who is highly active and visible. These folks gain mostly local fame, largely due to the regional structure of kinky social circles. Their names don’t go coast to coast, and they aren’t teaching on tour. So when we want to look for a superstar or role model, the short list is very short. That makes it hard to know if you’re doing “it” right.
They say everyone is a snowflake. I say yes, you are! Oh the cliché pain is almost too much, but it bears truth. Each person is different. Trying to pattern yourself exactly after your kinky superhero is not only unnecessary, it keeps you from being your most badass self.
So, rather than trying to be a carbon-copy of the superstar of your choice, you might try these tips to enhance your own awesomeness.
Enhance your Strengths
Figure out what you’re good at, and relentlessly develop that skill set. If you discover that cracking a whip is easy for you, you’re way ahead of many of your peers. Practice the skill frequently, and learn from experts. Apply it in new ways. There are advanced forms of just about anything, such as a two handed pattern called Florentine, which applies to flogging as well as whips. If you are able to Florentine with single tails, you’ll have the attention of everyone in the dungeon almost anywhere in the country.
Adapt to your weaknesses
Not everyone is destined to do a Florentine flogging pattern. I’ve taught a workshop on this subject many times, and for some it’s just not natural movement. Don’t beat yourself silly over the fact that you don’t move that way. Find another pattern or tool! For impact, maybe you work one handed. If you’ve got a bad back, get creative in your positioning. Make it part of the scene. Maybe this leads you to plan everything ahead and manipulate the situation without having to lift a finger. Maybe that then leads to becoming the greatest psychological top in your area. Adaptation equals success.
Develop your Potential
Keep looking for learning opportunities. When someone new joins your social group and has a skill, observe and find out if they feel like sharing. Stretch out of your comfort zone on occasion and see if you’re capable of more than you thought. This is best done with experienced folks on either side of the teaching equation who can help guide you through a difficult lesson.
One of the toughest skills to develop effectively is the application of soft power. Not everything is whips and chains. They’re a wonderful place to begin, but to develop your potential, pay attention to the non-physical details. Listen to the feedback of your bottom or observers. Assume they’re on to something, even if it’s a tad uncomfortable. Follow that lead as far as you can to improve or fix your patterns.
Prepare for the unexpected
At some point in this process, you’re going to screw up. Be prepared to react appropriately, and swiftly. When you’ve mastered your rope technique and whip it out at the biggest party of the year, you don’t want to be the guy that forgot the safety shears. Did you bring a blanket to comfort the bottom? Can you handle the mental meltdown her or she has and be supportive as the tears flow? If you can stop a scene that has gone south; and if you are equipped to address whatever went wrong, you will have earned your Baddass Brass.
Step out with Confidence in your Competence
You don’t have to be the biggest, badass-est fish in the sea. Just be a badass you. Cliché it might be, but the best possible version of you will look better in your shoes than a paper thin version of someone else. Stand in your areas of strength, and your confidence will come from a place of truth that enhances everything you do. That confidence is something people can see, that they are drawn to, and that will serve you well in the world of kink and beyond.