BDSM Event Newbies

Originally posted April 19, 2011

Dear Sarah,

My partner and I are going to our first BDSM event, and we’re really nervous about it. We’re new to BDSM, and while we’ve been to a few munches and one play party we are still unsure about where we fit in. What can we do to make sure we have a great time?

-Strangers to the scene

Dear Strangers,

BDSM events – hell, any event – can be an emotional pressure cooker. You’re outside of your usual routine, exposed to lots of different people, probably skipping your usual sleep & down time, and taking in a lot of new ideas. There’s also the kink & sexiness that you’ll be surrounded by – which is also a big deviation from the norms of school / work / family life! Now, this can all be amazing, and can help you learn more about yourselves and meet amazing people – but it’s also stressful. So, the best thing you can do is to go in with a plan!

From a physical perspective, I remind people to use the 5-2-1 rule (from science fiction conventions) – every day, get at least 5 hours of sleep, 2 meals, and 1 shower. Add in commonsense rules like “stay hydrated”, “don’t drink or party too much”, and “get some downtime for yourself”, and your body will be in the best shape it can be to avoid getting physically burned out or emotionally overwhelmed.

Emotionally, be prepared to do a few things that are very, very important. First, talk over your agreements about boundaries with your partner before you leave. Include in this whether either of you will be open to play with other people, what kinds of play that might include, and how you will go about notifying or getting approval from your partner. If you have never played with other people, I highly recommend that you talk this out in depth, as you probably don’t want to have either (or both) of you feeling neglected, jealous, or afraid if it happens over the weekend.

You also want to make sure that you take some time during the weekend to check in with each other. Over dinner, during some private downtime, or even while you’re in the shower – anytime that you can focus on each other without distractions. The key is that you have time without anyone around to talk about what you’ve learned, what you’re curious about, what is working for you, and what isn’t working for you. This can be the time to talk through your concerns and ask questions; doing it when you’re more relaxed and not in the midst of a “push” to go do something else takes the stress off (at least a little bit) and lets you be more open & emotionally available.

When you look at the event schedule, remember one important thing: the world will not end if you don’t do everything you wanted to. Conference schedules often run from 8 AM until 2 AM (or even later); there may be anywhere from 3-10 classes happening simultaneously, and between that, meetups, meals, play time, and the inevitable (and delightful) unexpectedly awesome conversations you’ll get into with other folks, you have to draw the line somewhere. Pick what’s really important to you, and then prioritize the other stuff. I promise you, the class you are sad that you’ll miss will likely be offered again at a time and place that you can attend, and you really can miss that hot scene in the play space that you wanted to watch without falling apart.

Finally, make sure that you have some “landing time” after the event. Con drop – the emotional let-down and often physical weariness that happen post-event – seems to hit most everyone at some point. Clear space for intimate time with your partner the night after the event; take the day off after you get home if you can, and make sure you eat well and have time to process in your preferred ways. Taking that time to reconnect with our loves and with our selves can help us to recover from the event, and make sure that we come out of it wiser, stronger, and sexier than we went in.

And don’t forget the most important part – have a great time!