D/s Rituals for the Holiday’s

Dear Sarah,

I’m involved in a D/s dynamic and as the holiday’s approach we’ve decided that we want to make our own non-religious rituals to enjoy. We’re not sure what we should do, but we want to have fun with it, any ideas?

-Signed, Holly

Happy Holidays, Holly!

I think it’s great that you and your partner(s) want to make the holiday season more about your own ideals, ethics, and relationship. If only more people would do that, we might not be barraged with tinsel & carols in mid-September!

Seriously, though, the need to have rituals in our lives is universal. Rituals offer a chance to create sacred space during our normal lives – whether it’s the ritual of putting on a collar, the sacredness of a set-aside day each week to play or perform service, or even the consistency of the first cup of coffee delivered to the bedroom. It’s vitally important that we have those…they give us an opportunity to remember what’s really important to us – our relationships and our own personal ethics.

Just because we’re used to the usual rituals – church or synagogue on the appointed day, the Christmas day brunch at mom’s house, the exchanging of gifts over dinner – doesn’t mean that we have to limit ourselves to them. And as we age and our experiences deepen, we may find that they don’t mean that much to us, anyhow. So how do we create new rituals?

Rituals are born of our personal goals and ethics, so start off with the acknowledgment of what’s important to you as a D/s family. Is it the primacy of your relationship as dominant and submissive? Is it your shared goal of personal growth? Is it your commitment to the service aspect of your relationship? Is it your belief in giving back to your community (geographical or kink)? Make a list of what is important to you…then let yourselves brainstorm.

If your D/s relationship is what you want to celebrate, then perhaps renewing the symbols of your relationship (a blessing of your rings, a new collar, a gift of leather or toys) may be a great option. You may decide to do something together that shows your service to the community – helping serve a holiday meal at a local shelter, or purchasing toys to donate to the local leather club’s toy drive, can be a wonderful way to give thanks to the world that supports your relationship. Have an “orphans” holiday and invite those in the community who have nowhere else to go to join you for a meal.

You can also “twist” the usual rituals to better suit you. Invite your leather family over for a holiday dinner, and have everyone go around the table & say a few words about what they’ve learned about themselves in the past year. Send a photo card to your kinky friends with a photo of your family in their finest fetish wear. Stuff the stockings with pervertable toys that can then be used after the holidays.

And definitely, get fun with it! Require that the submissive ask permission before opening any gifts…then use the ribbons and bows to do some impromptu bondage underneath the tree and take pictures of it for your “family album”! Do a wax play scene on the first night of Channukah – then continue it by using one extra candle for each subsequent night. Role play a visit to Santa, and make your own “Naughty vs. Nice” list. Stay up all night long on the Solstice and tell dirty stories to each other.

Declaring our break from the past expectations of sexuality and relationships doesn’t mean we throw everything out – but it does mean that we can re-examine it from a place of personal knowledge and pleasure, and we can do what feels great. I love that you’re doing this – and would love to hear back from you (and any other readers) who have or are creating alternative holiday rituals!

-Sarah

Originally posted December 15, 2010