If it’s happened once it’s happened a thousand times: You meet someone you think you might like so you make plans, or at least make plans to communicate again, only to have them fall off the face of the planet. The more bright-eyed & hopeful you were about getting to know the person, the worse the disappointment. Even if you do eventually encounter them again the magic of those first moments is gone. The momentum of what could have been great has fallen flat & your spirits with it.
Let me ask you though, just between you & me, have you ever been on the other side? The moment came for that phone call, e-mail or meet up you agreed to and for whatever reason you thought “meh” and didn’t follow through. Maybe you weren’t that into the person, you got cold feet, something important came up in your life or you were just plain old having a bad day. It didn’t impact you much in the long run, but it may have meant a whole lot more to the other person or people. No one likes to feel dismissed as unimportant, and if compounded by multiple occurrences it can really undermine a person’s self-image and emotional well-being.
The truth is that be we some sort of Toppish Domleh or otherwise, we can’t control what other people do. Sure, over time they may grant their consent & you can literally walk all over them, but until then we’re all vulnerable to some equal-opportunity disappointment.
What you can control is what you do. In the social strata of the kink world where we don’t have credit or background checks by scene name available reputation is all you have. What others may do or say in an attempt to disparage you is a topic for another column, but for the most part, your reputation is of your own making. When you give your word to do something – do it. Do what you agree to do when you agree to do it. If you can’t for any reason – be it physical or emotional – show the strength of your character by letting the other party know you can’t come through as soon as you know.
I’ve had the opportunity to meet many people who have impressed me since I have been in the scene (& many who have not.) Of course there were those who impress with their credentials, but that’s actually far less important to me than the content of a person’s character. Sounds strange to say but the best impression a person has made on me so far was when someone told me “no” rather than blowing off a play date.
While attending a BDSM event a couple of years ago I agreed to a scene between my boy & another person that the boy knew well but I did not. There was much excitement & planning of the scene as the play date approached. A couple of hours before the party the person pulled me aside. She said that she was very sorry but she had changed her mind and no longer wanted to keep the date. She told me her personal reason for her decision. I was disappointed and I knew that the boy would be too, but damn, I wanted to kiss her on the face. That conversation, even though it was bad news, made a very positive impression on me. I would have no reservations if she wanted to play with a partner of mine again. If asked by a peer for my impression of this person I would gladly extol her communication skills. (Yes, people do actually ask around about potential partners, play dates & clients – give us something good to say about you!)
No matter what your orientation, your word is your bondage. Giving your word and keeping it is the cornerstone of your reputation as a trust-worthy person. Trust is critical to any interpersonal relationship. With many activities in WIITWD, where you place trust is a matter of personal safety. Earn it well & place it wisely.
Originally posted May 23, 2011