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3 Biggest Myths on Having the STI/STD Conversation…Debunked

Posted by PrincessKali on June 22, 2013

Jun 222013

All of the links in the article are connected to free PassionateU.com videos, some of them are NSFW (aka explicit!)

There are a lot of awkward conversations we might have in life. Socially taboo topics can be difficult to discuss or talk without feeling weird. Topics that usually fall under the “socially awkward” conversations may be about money, death, breaking up and definitely about STDs. But it’s time to change that!

To start breaking the taboo we can at least we can find a way to talk about STDs & STIs that leaves that awkwardness behind. STD rates are currently at 20 million new infections a year so it’s more important than ever to “have the talk”. However even that kind of emphasis contributes to the awkwardness. It doesn’t have to be an oh-so serious discussion, in fact the ideal is to make it a normal part of your sexual experience so you can protect your health & future sex life.

A few myths about bringing up the topic of safer sex & STIs/STDs :

Myth 1) If you bring it up, you must have slept with a lot of people. Or you think your partner has slept with a lot of people and you don’t want to feel like (or make them feel like) a “slut”. That’s a very shaming approach and GOOD sex is about shamelessness!

Myth 2) It has to be a super serious, nerve racking conversation. Hell No! It can be more light-hearted and does not need to be treated like the ‘end of the world’. Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be grim about it, even and especially if you’re the one bringing up an STD you have.

Myth 3) If you have an STD you’ll automatically be rejected as a sexual partner. This is definitely not true. If we segregated everyone with some kind of STD or STI then there would be way less sex in the world and we don’t want that! We want healthy, open sexual experiences, regardless of STD status. There are plenty of people that understand most STDs and STIs can be treated and/or have a STD themselves. There are also a lot of people who don’t believe in the current stigma!

So.…how do we bring it up? If you’re getting hot & heavy with a new partner don’t put the conversation off. You don’t have to lead with it “Hi, I’m Tom. Do you have any STDs?” but it’s one of those things that the more you do, the more natural it will be. Plus, talking about it sooner rather than later lets you see how your potential partner responds to conversations about sensitive topics.

One of the best ways I’ve seen is from Reid Mihalko, a well-respected educator from the Bay Area. He’s come up with what he calls the “Safer Sex Elevator Speech” and even though it’s used a lot in the kink and polyamory worlds it’s also completely useful for any date or possible romance.

If you’re sharing your positive STD status with a new partner don’t come into the conversation with a pessimistic attitude. Timing is important, don’t broach the subject when you’re going to feel rushed. Give the other person space to share their feelings or thoughts. Most importantly, remember that you are NOT your STD and that you have a lot to offer a sexual partner & as an awesome person. If they can’t get past it, then it’s their loss!

Being prepared is also a great way to bring up the subject. If you’re already in your bedroom (or in theirs) make sure you’re equipped with safer sex supplies near-by. It really can be done in a sexy way, pulling condoms or a dental dam out and saying how much it turns you on to have safer sex. You can even put a condom on with your mouth, so you don’t break the sexual rhythm!

Remember, there are some STIs that can be transferred even with a condom like Herpes and HPV, so it’s important to be proactive about your health. Part of being proactive in your sexual heath is to also make sure to get tested at a frequency appropriate to your sex life. Knowing about options, such as the HPV vaccination will help you know about your own status.

So stay updated about your own status, educate yourself as much as possible about sexual health, and don’t be afraid to be straight-forward about the STD/STI conversation. Honesty is sexy!

Originally posted on BeforeWeDo.com

Casual Sex Relationship Types: Pros and Cons

Posted by Pervertically Virtuous Slut on June 20, 2013

Jun 202013

Broadly speaking, casual sex is sex with little to no emotional attachment or romantic commitment to the partner. But not all casual hookups are created equal. Different types of no strings sex can serve different purposes, and have different pros and cons that will work for some but not for others.

I’ve had loads of casual sex in my life and have learned a thing or two. Here are my distinctions between, and my thoughts on, the many forms of this sometimes wonderful, sometimes frustrating, always fascinating sexual behavior.

One-night stands

Definition: You have sex once and only once; typically with someone you don’t know very well, but could also be a close friend. You can go into a one-night stand: 1) knowing it’ll be a one-night stand (e.g., you’re really horny or drunk and hooking up with someone who you wouldn’t really want to hook up with again), or 2) wanting, expecting, or allowing for the possibility they’d turn into something more but for some reason they don’t (e.g., sex was bad; you didn’t like each other without clothes or beer goggles; the other person only wanted a one-night stand; you live far away…)

Pros: 1) It’s new! If you thrive on variety and novelty, like I do, one-night stands are exciting and pleasurable simply because the dopamine-run reward system in your brain lights up like a Christmas tree when you’re with a brand new sexual partner, even if that partner is somewhat substandard. That novelty-driven arousal in and of itself can lead to amazing sex and an unusually high number of orgasms for both partners.

2) People often feel comfortable trying something sexually with a stranger they would never do with a long-term partner (e.g., anal, rough sex, threesome), adding to the excitement/novelty factor.

3) One-night stands often are unplanned and happen under unusual circumstances (e.g., a public space), further adding to the excitement factor. Bonus: This also makes for a great story afterwards.

Cons: 1) You don’t know what to expect, and things can turn out less than stellar once the clothes come off. They could’ve been the most charming, skilled flirter, but their anatomy is inadequate, they don’t handle your body well, he comes immediately or can’t come long after you’re ready to pass out, she spreads her legs and does nothing more… Not to mention things going really wrong, like violence or disrespect. So, as much as it’s exciting, it’s also a risk.

2) The disappointment when you were hoping for more, but there is no more.

Bottom line: One-night stand sex can range from mind-blowing to awful, with most of the time falling somewhere in between. Which is why they can do a great job when you’re really horny (and potentially willing to lower your criteria), but more often I use them as a test: if the person fails (for any of the reasons outlined above), than that’s that. But if they pass (and the feeling is mutual), I like to see the one-night stand turn into one of the other, longer types of casual relationship.

Tip: Don’t build any long-term expectations after only one night.

Short flings

Definition: Short but very intense relationships where you spend a lot of time together in a short period of time and then split up, often to never see each other again. These are the lustful, dreamy stories that happen on vacations, or right before you move to a different country, or when you get infatuated really quickly but get disillusioned just as quickly.

Pros: These are some of the sweetest, most intense, most memorable sexual experiences. They have all of the novelty-based pros of one-night stands, and none of the cons – things clearly did turn out well after the clothes came off, and you’re just milking that initial excitement for all it’s worth. Plus, any initial wrinkles in your sexual styles are likely to get ironed out and the sex only gets better.

Cons: The sadness that they had to end.

Bottom line: Short flings are awesome. Period.

Tip: Just enjoy them for what they are, and don’t get too disappointed when they end.

Fuck buddies, hook-up buddies, booty calls…

Definition: The people who you call for sex on a somewhat regular basis, but who you do not call for non-sexual hangout time. You find them physically attractive and a good match sexually, but you don’t have much in common otherwise (e.g., you don’t like the same music, movies, bars, people…). Some people do it also because they want to keep the relationship purely sexual and are afraid that if they start hanging out together, emotional attachment will be difficult to avoid.

Pros: 1) You know the sex will be at least decent, if not fantastic (you wouldn’t be calling them again otherwise, right?). And, the sex gets better as you get to know each other’s bodies, needs, and preferences.

2) You get to have sex regularly even if you’re single.

3) You can often plan ahead.

4) They can last a long time, sometimes for years.

Cons: 1) Emotional attachments can sometimes form, even if you didn’t want them to – repeated sexual contact leads to that, especially for people who more easily fall victims to oxytocin, the bonding chemical.

2) Eventually you get bored of one another.

3) A sense of trust forms over time so people are less likely to use condoms even if they’re not exclusive.

Bottom line: They can be a great way to have decent, regular, no strings sex – if you can stay unattached and do it responsibly.

Tip: Set the boundaries you need to stay unattached (e.g., limit frequency of visits, have a rotation of partners, don’t ask too many personal questions…), and stay responsible about protection.

Friends-with-benefits (FWBs)

Definition: The people with whom you spend a considerable amount of non-sexual time, but every now and then hook up with. They are not quite perfect for a relationship partner (for whatever reason), but they’re not too far off either. The ‘casualness’ of FWBs is somewhat questionable, as there is clearly some attachment and commitment there: your friendship.

Pros: They have all the pros of fuck buddy relationships (good, regular, reliable sex), plus you really like this person out of the bedroom as well.

Cons: 1) Unwanted attachments are even harder to prevent. Often one partner ends up wanting a long-term relationship while the other one does not, and that can end badly, with people hurt and friendships ruined.

2) They take some effort to maintain.

Bottom line: Proceed with caution – friendships can be lost. But if you can make them work, they are great: You get the best of both worlds – sex AND friendship without the burdens of commitment and exclusivity.

Tip: Set clear ground rules about keeping your friendship in the foreground and dealing with other partners. Communicate openly, honestly, and a lot.

Do you like casual sex? What is your favorite type? Which is your least favorite? Why? Comments welcome!

A Life Full of Delight

Posted by LeahShapiro on June 18, 2013

Jun 182013

The world is such a wonderfully diverse place. There are so many options to choose from! We each have the potential to custom design our lives to be the perfect representation of who we are and to fill our lives with the things that bring us pleasure! Can you imagine how amazing it would be to live in a world where everyone is fully self-expressed and surrounded by all the things that delight them? It would be totally Kick-Ass!

The question is: how do you go about doing this?

What if you treated life as one gigantic buffet table? It’s there whenever you want it and it’s constantly being filled up with a wide variety of treats to choose from. You can go back as many times as you like until you are fully satisfied.

How would you handle this?

Would you play it safe, looking it over carefully and only taking the things that you already knew you liked? You would never be disappointed and you’d know what to expect, but your world would stay rather small.

Are you an explorer? Would you fill up your plate with a variety of things you’d never tasted before, trying out all kinds of new things to see if you liked them and going back for more of the things you enjoyed? This would give you a wide variety of experiences, but you’d have to deal with possible disappointment (and maybe some heartburn, too). But, you’d learn a lot about what you liked.

Would you only take the things you thought you should have, even though they’re not really what you wanted? I’ve met tons of people who would only eat the salad and veggies, even though they were dying to try the Beef Wellington and the chocolate cake. But how is this serving them? In which other areas of their lives are they doing what they think they’re supposed to do rather than what they want to do? These are the people who end up living unsatisfying lives and constantly feel like they’re missing out on something.

Let’s turn this buffet analogy around for a minute. You would never go to a restaurant buffet and fill your plate with things that look unappealing to you, but that is exactly what many people do in their lives. They fill up their lives with all kinds of things that they have no real interest in because they think they are supposed to. For example, I had a client who worked as a warehouse manager. Every day he dreaded going to work. He hated getting up early in the morning and the work was a total drag. He didn’t like managing people. He really wanted to be a musician, but he thought that being responsible meant he needed a “real job”. So he filled up his plate every day with things that he didn’t like. (But don’t worry—his story has a happy ending! He saw how he could live his Kick-Ass Dream Life, and now happily makes his living as a musician!)

My challenge to you is to taste it all! Try everything that life has to offer you. This is the only way that you will really know if you like it or not. If you’re not sure about something, just take a tiny nibble, but don’t miss the opportunity to try it all. Then go back and take more of the things you like. Fill up your plate with all the things that delight you! Enjoy the bounty of life. It will make your life very Kick-Ass!

Originally published May 1, 2011

Hello, Existential Crisis, My Name is Heather

Posted by Heather Cole on June 16, 2013

Jun 162013

This year I dreaded my birthday. I spent months agonizing about it. At the end of May I turned forty—the big 4-0. Although I knew it was approaching (I had thirty-nine years of anticipation) I wouldn’t let myself ponder its significance. I shoved it into the background of the vision of my future, reducing it to something vague and ephemeral. It’s no longer vague, and now for the first time ever, my time on this earth feels finite. As my boyfriend, Zen, said, “your life is 40% over.” Thanks, babe.

He’s absolutely right, you know. You can heap on the platitudes about how age is just a number, but our bodies are constructed to last only a certain number of years. At some point, I’m going to die. It’s a logical event at the end of our lifetime, and we humans all know this. One of the most famous quotes from Benjamin Franklin is “nothing is certain except death and taxes.” All I can say is that it’s one thing to know this information and a completely different thing to feel it.

At first I thought it was the idea of “looking” my age that was bothering the most. There are laugh lines around my eyes and mouth, and my knees crack when I kneel. But when Zen asked me how I envisioned my future ten years down the road, the real panic began. Despite all the changes I made in the past two years, despite coming out of the closet with my sexuality and kinkiness, I still held the idea that I’d be retiring with a domestic partner. According to my unrevised future plan, I’d be married and probably monogamous.

*cue existential crisis*

I currently have two partners, and both of them are married to other women. Monogamy and marriage aren’t part of my reality at the moment or in the five year planning I’ve been doing. Ten years down the road, or fifteen, will I want some sort of domestic cohabitation with my partners? Will that be possible with any of the people I’m dating? Will they still be interested in being a romantic part of my life or will they be pursuing their lives with their spouses? Will they even want an open relationship or prefer to be monogamous again? If I’m not working as much in fifteen years, who will I be spending my time with? What do I want for my life in my fifties? My sixties? And none of this begins to address financial planning or making certain that my daughter is provided for. It also doesn’t address what I may or may not be doing with my Dominant, my owner.

Maybe part of my panic is a result of not knowing anyone personally who is my age, single and poly. All the polyamorous people that I know are poly, younger and single or poly, my age and married. In the deepest depths of my existential crisis, I had this thought: I’M THE ONLY AGING UNICORN IN THE PASTURE! I have no blueprint to follow that is within my circle of friends and family, so after I uncurled from the fetal position and dried my tears, I set out to do something about it.

Expand My Social Circle – I want to seek out others who share a similar life situation. It’s sometimes a challenge for me to get “out there” to meet people. I’m a writer, so I tend to stay at home and write. However, I’m interested in learning about other people’s poly experiences. I can’t do that from surfing the internet, although it’s a good place to start. There are several poly meetup groups in my area, and that’s where I’m starting.

Formulate My Intentions for the Future – I don’t think I need a detailed plan of how my life will be in my fifties or sixties, but I need to have an idea of how I want the landscape to look. I have started journaling and brainstorming and meditating about my intentions. What do I want to attract to my life? Thinking about this now will help with my decisions along the journey.

Talk to a Financial Planner – I have several things I need to take care of as far as budgeting is concerned and transferring an old 401k–things that I’ve let hover on the “to do” list for a really long time. I can’t continue procrastinating, because I’m really not getting any younger. Time to take full responsibility for my fiscal future to ensure that I have a prosperous one.

I find that taking action, even in small ways, feels reassuring to me. Moving forward into the unknown is still forward movement even if it isn’t reassuring at times. It helps that I have amazing partners, and that they’re both available to hold my hand and help me as much as they’re able. There are never any guarantees when it comes to lasting relationship, polyamorous or not. But I’m looking forward to years of friendship and love no matter how long I live.

3 Steps to Find An STD Clinic Like a Hot, Friday Night Date

Posted by GuestWriter on June 14, 2013

Jun 142013

“Alyssa, Come here!”

A text from my friend’s recent one night stand read, “Do you have an STD?”, followed by a series of photos of his penis with red, open sores on it. This is definitely an awkward way to start the STI/STD convo.

“I’m a whore,” she cried.

I was horrified that my friend believed she was a whore because she may have contracted Herpes. He had never said he had tested positive for Herpes or Genital Warts nor had he ask her to get tested before they had sex. But afterward, he accused her of spreading herpes and called harassing her for several days.

Herpes is, in fact, very common with 50-80% of Americans having oral herpes and 1 out 6 people having gental herpes in the U.S. Since Herpes and HPV can be contracted through skin to skin contact, using a condom does not completely protect you. Also, once you develop symptoms, don’t be so quick to blame your current partner. In a previous post, we wrote how in most cases of HPV our bodies successfully keep the virus in check so it can be years or even decades before symptoms. In the case of Herpes, Dr. Marc F. Hirsch advises via Healthtap that “HSV-2 can be dormant and suddenly break out with physical or emotional stress. You might have had it before recent partner”. So the only smart thing to do was to get tested. After a couple days of frantically searching, we found a clinic that was just right – SF City Clinic.

Now, we didn’t account for the 3-hour wait time which included getting a number, talking to a counselor about her risk, peeing into a cup to test for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea, getting her blood drawn for Syphilis and Herpes (HSV-1 and HSV-2), and receiving a rapid test for HIV (adding another 20 minutes in wait time for her result). Did I mention the guilt and shame in the room was almost tangible. So, what was the final result you ask? As advised by the nurse, she sent him a screenshot of her negative test results.

Needless to say, navigating the STI/STD clinic search can be nerve wracking and very personal. It’s kind of like the dating world of Match.com or OkCupid, right? You don’t just go on a date with anyone. You want to be attracted and the person has to be available to you.

So, here are 3 steps to find the perfect testing clinic as you would your hot date:

Step 1: Decide if it’s Dating Material: What are the hours? Does it get good reviews? Does it make you pay or can you use your insurance? Is it on your way home or work? Does the clinic cater to women, MSM, transgender? Do your research. Otherwise, it’s like you trying to use a hook-up app like Grindr or Bang With Friends to find a committed long term relationship. You will leave feeling unsatisfied and frustrated because it doesn’t offer what you need. To simplify this process, use the CDC STI/STD clinic locator or AIDS.gov clinic locator start your search.

Step 2: Go On the First Date: Does it make you feel comfortable? Did you have a good conversation with the testing counselors? Were they considerate of your time? If you’re shy, go on a double date by bringing a friend you can trust who can ease any anxiety and take off some of the pressure. Schedule enough time so you’re not forced to skip work or ditch plans. If the environment or people make you feel uneasy then you know not to go back the next time. It is sort of like that date who only talks about themselves or picks the one restaurant you absolutely hate.

Step 3: Think About How the Date Ended. How fast did you get an email or phone call with your result? Did you feel like you could be yourself and ask questions? How easy was the testing process? Be sure you leave knowing what you got tested for, in what form you’ll receive the results, and how fast you’ll receive them. If you liked it enough and felt comfortable, go on that second date.

Getting tested can give you a sense of pride, and based on my personal experience can certainly give you peace of mind. So, while it can be a pain, it may save you.

And, of course, if it’s HIV, Chlamydia, and Gonorrhea, remember you can scratch the whole clinic process and do it in the comfort and privacy of your own home with our easy delivery service at BeforeWeDo.

Why is there such a strong sense of shame felt in clinics?

Capturing Italy’s long history of eroticism in modern art

Posted by TMBernard on June 12, 2013

Jun 122013

Thomas Hodges is a British born photography with wanderlust, considering the many places he has called home, and a provocative lens whose erotic images have earned him global recognition and many fans. It’s difficult to pick a favorite series from his many collections. I was particularly drawn to his ode to his wife’s metamorphosis during her pregnancy with their recently born child, her body laced with delicate veins and stretch marks that are nothing short of stunning and raw. But it’s his series, “I Misteri di Venezia” that spoke to my own love of foreign places and erotic art, and so I asked Hodges to share with me his passion for juxtaposing nudes and architecture.

“I don’t as a rule especially set-out to juxtapose the two, it simply depends upon the nature and theme of the shoot and the story attached to it,” Hodges explained. “However, the series is a prime example of juxtaposing, primarily because the location and story-line dictates it.”

Eroticism and Italy, especially the sophisticated city of Venice, has had their own long history, he reminded me and ‘I Misteri di Venezia’ is, “intended to arouse those thoughts of past and present mysteries.” The best way to capture this essence was to contrast a lone female – in this case, his muse and wife – against the unique Venetian architecture.

Even if you’ve never spent any time in Venice – and my two day visit almost 20 years ago was far too short by any standard – it’s easy to sense it’s mysteries behind the light and blurred boundaries of Hodges series: Dimly lit alleyways, a lithe masked figure sauntering past, her upturned face and open mouth suggesting a prelude to something (a kiss?); her silhouetted and dancing form behind billowing curtains; the slightly whimsical scene of her lingerie-clad form reclined in a gondola. Blurred images that arouse imagination and, as Hodges hopes, “provoke the senses and let the viewer of the works deduct their own conclusions of what may or may not transpire.”

“My artistic style I have defined as “Imaginistic”, no matter what the nature of the subject matter.” Hodges works are at once symbolic, conceptual and representational, and draw from his interpretation of ‘Imaginism’ an art movement he established in 2006, “primarily to accommodate his own artistic style, and as a compliment to the poetic movement of the same name.”

The subtle eroticism of this series in particular invites repeat viewings, reflecting his predilection for creating images whose underlying meaning isn’t always apparent upon first glance. “I Misteri di Venezia’ is an arousal of the imagination” Hodges says. “The same can be said for many of my other works, juxtaposed or not, the intention is always the same, to entice the onlooker to deduct their own conclusion as to what the image portrays.”

Hodges, who travels extensively and has lived in many parts of the world, has received numerous awards and recognitions, and exhibited by private collectors and corporations, including Sony Corporation, Universal Corporation, Shanghai University and Chi Mei Museum.

He has and continues to exhibit his work internationally, including the 2009 Venice Biennale and the International Art Show in Cannes, France, and will travel to Japan and the United Arab Emirates this year for work. His many series can be viewed at www.photoconception.com

Originally published May 4, 2011

The 3 Worst Techniques to Last Longer in Bed

Posted by GuestWriter on June 10, 2013

Jun 102013

Believe it or not, there are a lot of junky methods out there that are commonly thought to help you last longer in bed but that actually create more problems than they (try to) solve.

The worst thing about it is that some guys see a slight improvement when using them for the first time and convince themselves they’ve found the technique of their life.

So they keep using these methods as an unconscious habit causing a worsening of their situation in the long term.

When a man complains about his performance and wants his lost stamina back, it’s a sign that he has been using these techniques in the past.

They’re really popular, let’s see if you recognize them.

3rd place – Getting drunk

You’ll read this on the internet, especially on forums.

Some men have noticed improvements in their endurance when they’re high or drunk and think it a good idea to advise others to do the same.

If you get high or drunk and see an “improvement” in your condition and feel happy, excited and like a superhero, most of the time it’s for one main reason: because you’re high and don’t know what you’re talking about.

But if you do objectively last longer when you’re drunk it’s because drinking makes you feel less self-conscious which in turn helps you be more relaxed and confident in bed… and guess what? It’s this relaxation and confidence that helps you last longer, not the drinking. How about trying to develop confidence and relaxation instead, wouldn’t that be a cheaper solution?

I’m not your grandma, so I’m not going to tell you to drink or not to drink, but understand that drinking or getting high is not going to improve your control in any field, let alone your ejaculatory control.

2nd place – Imagining something boring while having sex

Contrary to what most people say, the distraction technique is actually a pretty bad way to take control of your ejaculation. When you distract yourself with unpleasant (your hairy neighbor or a car accident) or neutral thoughts (theory of relativity or dinosaurs) you create associations in your mind between having sex and something unpleasant or neutral (something not arousing basically), which might easily lead you to develop erection problems in the future. Then you’ll have two problems to solve: P.E. (Premature Ejaculation) and E.D. (Erectile Dysfunction).

Do you really want all these titles? I don’t think so.

If the above isn’t enough of a reason for you to stop practicing the “distraction technique” listen to this: when you distract yourself you’re making yourself unaware of what’s going on in your body.

Now, can you control something you’re unaware of?

What do you think, champ? Can you? If you can’t see or hear or feel something can you control it?

You can’t.

The first step to take control of something is to become aware of that thing.

Think of your bladder.

When you were a kid you used to pee your pants. Right? Why did it happen?

Because you were unaware of the feeling of “having to pee” and couldn’t consciously “recognize the moment” when you were about to pee. You couldn’t feel that sensation (that was very subtle for you back then and that is pretty clear now) and you peed your pants. It took you a while to learn, but with time you learnt. You learnt to recognize that sensation and control yourself, or to go to the toilet.

You’ve learned control already. You did it once and you can do it again.

So, how about you start working on feeling your body and becoming aware of your arousal? Is that going to help you out? Oh yes, it surely will.

1st place – Kegels

Kegel exercises as they’re usually taught, are counterproductive and accelerate the ejaculatory response. Forget about what you read on the internet or in your favorite magazine, Kegels are going to make your premature ejaculation worse. It’s actually incredible how much misinformation there is about this.

Kegel exercises (the rhythmic contraction of the muscle behind the scrotum) targets the Bulbospongiosus muscle, which is the same muscle that expulses sperm out of your body when the ejaculatory threshold is reached.

Men with premature ejaculation usually have a very tense pelvic floor which contacts involuntarily without them being aware of it. Their involuntary contractions accelerate the whole ejaculation process leading them to ejaculate prematurely.

If you have P.E. the last thing you need is to increase the contraction rate of your pelvic muscles.

And guess what happens when you do Kegels?

You basically train your already tight and out of control Bulbospongiosus muscle to contract even more!

Does this make any sense to you?

It doesn’t. It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

When I first discovered and spread this idea, I received many emails from men confirming their premature ejaculation got worse after they used Kegels.

Beware though, Kegels are not evil. They only work for premature ejaculation when trained as part of a complete pelvic training. There are other muscles down there that need to be trained to make Kegels useful and if you don’t know how, do yourself a favour and start with that.

Here’s the thing, these three techniques live and thrive on the general lack of knowledge there is on this topic.

All of them are designed to make you unaware of your body when what you need is the exact opposite.

Becoming aware of your arousal is the key to ejaculatory control.

You don’t need superpowers to do it. Can you feel the difference when your penis is flaccid and when it’s hard?

Great, it means you’re able to feel your arousal.

Ejaculation has its own mechanics, and arousal its own patterns. Practicing awareness you’ll discover the predictable patterns of your arousal and how incredibly easy it is to control them.

The first step for you to take control of your ejaculation is to sharpen your awareness.

Deon Black is the author and blogger at LetsTalkSex.net where he helps men to take control of their ejaculation in a powerfully natural way.

Venturing into the Kink Community

Posted by AliceSinAerie on June 8, 2013

Jun 082013

Whether you have just stumbled into a new fascination or have been a long time private player, starting out in the social world of the kink community can be daunting. Some basic information will help you put your best foot forward.

What to Do

Chose an Event

Your vision of a debauched public sexy time sure is hot, but when you are in new environments loads of sensory stimulation can make it hard to connect with those around you. Chose a more subdued event like a munch (a casual meet-up for a meal), a class or other low key gathering. Meet in public, do not meet anyone in an isolated location like their home or a hotel room.

Set Social goals

If you find that you often have a hard time spontaneously striking up conversations – plan them. Make it a goal to speak to at least 3 people you have not spoken to before.

Research

Find out everything you can about the group you are going to meet and the location they have selected. Look them up on the web and check them out in social media.

Be on Time

Lateness sends the message to other people that you are self-centered. While you may have a fantasy where someone waits for you, it is not your place to enact it on others without their permission.

Network

You may meet exactly the person or opportunity you have been longing for at your first event. You almost definitely won’t. Consider every person you meet as a degree of separation, they may know who you’d like to meet.

What to Wear

At most munches street clothes are appropriate. However, it’s always best to check the dress code. Observing dress code for an event indicates your willingness to join in with the spirit of the occasion and gives a nod of respect your host. If you’re at a loss basic black will do just fine. Hygiene and a well-groomed appearance makes you more approachable.

What to Say

Prepare Conversation Ideas in Advance

Unlike the social strata you are accustomed to kink & sex gatherings are not the time to inquire about someone’s career or family. Stick to topics relevant to the group or of general interest such as entertainment or world events. Be prepared to gracefully encounter and respect opinions contrary to your own.

A Name

While some people are comfortable being called Thrash or FemCar, most people simply use their first name or nickname to maintain their privacy. You can always change your name later if you feel another moniker fits you better.

TMI

When introducing yourself be brief.“Hello, I’m Larry and this is my first kink event” is much more appropriate than “Hi, I’m Larry and I want to meet the Dominant of my dreams so she can wear stockings while sitting on my face and farting while I impersonate Liza & play show tunes on the banjo…” Reality check: Not everyone likes show tunes as much as you do!

LISTEN

Developing this skill is truly a magic key that will unlock doors for you. People want to be around good listeners and will generally be more apt to listen in return. This paves a smooth path to initiating a discussion with a potential partner about your hottest fantasies!

Got it? Good!

To sum up – you will find paths to getting what you desire by seeing each connection you make as an opportunity. Even if you don’t find exactly what you are looking for, you can learn how to make it your own dreams happen from those who have succeeded in manifesting their own.

This article was originally posted July 13, 2010

Why I feel no jealousy

Posted by Pervertically Virtuous Slut on June 6, 2013

Jun 062013

As I wrote in a My Open Relationship Rules, I have no rules for my relationship partners, except one: Use a condom.

Everything else is fine with me and/or negotiable.

This is apparently an unusual situation: most people in non-monogamous relationships have rules about who, when, where, what, how, and/or how often they can fuck/date/love other people, and how much information about it to disclose to their partners. Hell, my own partner has a number of those rules for me. But I don’t. So I often get asked:

How can I/Why do I not need rules about any of these things?

And the only answer I can come up with is: Because all such rules are essentially attempts to curtail the green-eyed monster, jealousy. And I don’t feel jealousy.

I never have. What I do feel when I see my partner with someone else (particularly someone attractive) is arousal, compersion. I can also feel pride or excitement that he’s scoring. I could feel annoyance if this was happening while he was neglecting something else important. But jealousy? I don’t know what that feels like.

People have said I haven’t loved. (A female friend once actually told me I didn’t love my husband, and that’s why I could behave the way I do. I thought that was quite rude.) But I have loved. Twice as an adolescent (counts as once?) and three times as an adult. And I’ve never felt jealousy once.

Evolutionarily, jealousy is an adaptive reaction to the issue of survival: securing paternity (for men) and provision of resources for self and offspring (for women). From that aspect, I’m an evolutionary failure, I suppose – I’d willingly let my partner spend the entire kill on other women and leave me and my children to starve to death. (Except that I don’t have any children and these days I don’t need a man to feed me.)

But on a more proximal, individual level, jealousy arises out of insecurity, out of fear. Fear that he’s going to leave me, fear that I’m not good enough, or young enough, or smart enough, or beautiful enough, or loved enough…

And I don’t have any of these fears.

I know I’m not the most beautiful, or smartest, or whatever ‘-est’ person in the world, but I also know, deep down inside, that I’m a pretty damn good, valuable, love-worthy human being. There is nothing my partner can do to make me feel otherwise. Because my partner is not the source of my self-esteem; I am the source of my self-esteem. And that self-esteem is stable and quite impervious to life circumstances. What my partner does can make me sad or happy for a period of time, disappointed, even hurt, but it cannot make me feel better or worse about myself.
I know that he loves me. He’s crazy about me. I know that, I see that, I feel that, I hear that. If I didn’t feel like he loved me, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with him. Fucking other people doesn’t make me love him any less. I don’t see why being able to openly fuck/date/love other women would be a reason for him to stop loving me. Or leave me.
And if he does leave me, that’s OK. Because leaving me means he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. And that means he’s not the right partner for me anymore – how could I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?! (see item #38 of my Relationship Checklist).

Not wanting to be with someone anymore happens to people for all sorts of reason, all the time. It might happen to him whether or not I let him fuck/date/love other people. Most romantic relationships end after a while for one reason or another. Setting up all sorts of rules to control his sexual/romantic behavior is not going to prevent that from happening. If anything, having the freedom to fulfill his sexual/romantic desires openly should diffuse any need to leave me so he can fulfill those desires elsewhere.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’d be happy if he left me. I wouldn’t be. I’m sure I would be sad for some time. I might cry. It might take a while to adjust to being single. But it won’t be the end of the world. I will still be the good, valuable, love-worthy human being that I was before. I will still be loved by many friends, lovers, and, most importantly, myself. Life will go on, and I will be fine.

An Alien

I realize this is unusual. I’ve never really met anyone like me in this respect. My husband calls me an alien. And I do sometimes feel like an alien.

I often fail to anticipate or grasp people’s feelings of jealousy. It’s difficult to empathize with someone when you don’t know what their feelings feel like. I try to understand on an intellectual level, but it’s not the same.

Still, I shouldn’t be complaining. Life without jealousy, insecurity, and fear has so far been a pretty good life. I would never, not in a million years, swap my brain for one that is capable of experiencing jealousy.

And who knows, maybe one day I will feel it. I hope not, but it’s not impossible…

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This article was first published on Pervertically Virtuous

Catholic and Kinky

Posted by CKPersons on June 4, 2013

Jun 042013

Can one be Catholic and kinky? Ok, maybe a Catholic is necessarily kinky given the priestly garments, perfumes and oils, church kneelers – not to mention the hierarchy of power. Or, perhaps being kinky necessarily excludes one from Catholicism. The teachings on sexuality may merely be too rigid.

Whatever you think, there is at least one Catholic kinky person: yours truly. Actually, I know quite a number of practicing Catholics – i.e., believers in the Trinity (Father/Creator, Son/Redeemer, and Holy Spirit/Sanctifier), disciples of Jesus Christ (trying to love God with all their heart, soul and strength … and their neighbors as themselves), adherents to Church teaching (this does not mean blind obedience!), etc. – who identify themselves as kinky as well (e.g., dominant females, submissive males, bondage enthusiasts, fetishists, etc.).

I’ve been Catholic my entire life, though I did not really embrace the faith until my high school years. I’ve been fortunate enough to study theology (the word means the study of God) for many years and earn two graduate degrees in the process. I’ve talked with hundreds of people about faith and sexuality as well. So I come from a positive perspective, happy to be Catholic.

I have also always known myself to be kinky, though I did not use the term until after college at some point. I greatly enjoy being a service submissive, but I am happy to take on dominant roles as well. I’m happy to be kinky. That has not always been the case, of course. Like any life journey, there have been numerous doubts and fears… So, I tell you a bit of who I am so that you know my starting point.

Why do I write this monthly column? I simply want to share theological reflections on my experience (and that of others), to help you insofar as you are seeking help. I also hope to give you food for thought in the areas of theology and sexuality. Contrary to common thought, I believe that it is quite possible to live a healthy Catholic and kinky life. I, however, do not have any desire to convert you to Catholicism. I have no interest in defending the Church, especially against legitimate critiques about abuses of power, problems with teachings on sexuality, etc. Like anything in life, use what you find most helpful in this column, and let go of the rest.

This article was originally posted on June 3, 2010

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