HPV, Genital Warts, Cervical Dysplasia and You.

 Posted by on June 2, 2013
Jun 022013
 

istock_000013716770xsmall-3306476Warts. Mole’s ugly cousin is an all too common spoiler of the aesthetic of the genitalia. Warts, cervical cancer and some other afflictions are caused by the Human Papilloma Virus, or HPV. There are over 40 strains of HPV and it is possible for a person to be afflicted by several strains at the same time. HPV causes several types of cancer and genital warts. The news isn’t all doom and gloom, however and there are precautions that reduce the risk of infection, as well as surveillance measures and treatments available.

HPV is the most common sexually transmitted disease and most people who become infected with HPV do not even know they have it. A person can have HPV even if years have passed since he or she had sexual contact with an infected person. Approximately 20 million Americans are currently infected with HPV. HPV is so common that at least 50% of sexually active men and women get it at some point in their lives. About 1% of sexually active adults in the U.S. have genital warts at any one time.

HPV is spread via skin to skin contact. This is why the use of condoms can reduce the transmission of HPV, but does not eliminate the risk. In 90% of cases, the body’s immune system clears HPV naturally within two years. In cases where the body’s immune system fails to clear the virus, cellular changes can result in dysplasia and eventually cancer, or with certain strains of HPV warts.

The dysplasia caused by HPV Each year causes, about 12,000 women to get cervical cancer in the U.S., 3,700 women to get vulvar cancer, may be responsible for 1,000 women who are diagnosed with vaginal cancer, 1,000 men are diagnosed with penile cancer, 2,700 women and 1,700 men who are diagnosed with anal cancer, and 2,300 women and 9,000 men diagnosed with head and neck cancers.

Regular surveillance of the cervix with PAP smears has greatly reduced the rate of cervical cancer. Part of routine screening for Sexually Transmitted Infections should include collection of a PAP. If a PAP result comes back with dysplastic changes ASCUS (Atypical Cells of Uncertain Significance) many labs perform reflexive testing for high risk strains of HPV. This is really the only time that HPV testing is clinically indicated. There is no approved screening test to find early signs of penile or anal cancer. Some experts recommend yearly anal Pap tests to screen for anal cancer in gay and bisexual men and in HIV-positive persons.

Some strains of HPV cause genital warts. Genital warts usually appear as a bump or groups of bumps in the genital area. They can be small or large, raised or flat, or shaped like a cauliflower. Warts can appear within weeks or months after sexual contact with an infected partner. Untreated, genital warts might go away, remain unchanged, or increase in size or number.

There are vaccines available to assist in prevention of HPV infection. The Gardisil vaccine is available to women between the ages of 9 and 26. It vaccinates against two strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer and two strains that cause genital warts. Cervarix vaccinates against two strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer. Gardasil protects males against most genital warts. This vaccine is available for boys and men, 9 through 26 years of age.

In short, vaccinate, use barrier protection and submit to routine surveillance to reduce the risk of cancers and genital warts caused by HPV.

Disclaimer- This presentation has attempted to put to together some health information for alternative sexualities. Health Information does not constitute docstors advice. If you have specific questions please consult your doctor.

This article was originally published June 23, 2010

An intro to “A Daddy Dom and his little girl” – a new column

 Posted by on May 29, 2013
May 292013
 

istock_000010168672xsmall1-300x199-6715802This article was written by and about adults engaging in consensual age-play.

Finding Daddy Finding Little
by Daddy Vinnie

It started as simple correspondence. For about a week, her words spoke directly to me with the child-like innocence, though she was 25 years old. I was 48. Her captivating writing had awakened the Daddy in me, the one hiding there in plain sight: the teacher; the patient mentor; the parental disciplinarian; the confident voice of reason; the sparkling-eyed playful Daddy; the kinky, deeply taboo Daddy.

She said she would earn a Daddy in time. And she would call him “Daddy” when it was right for her, not before.

We met at a kinky social in San Diego on a Friday night in February. I wore my best black leather. She was looking for a Daddy. So on the way, I stopped and bought candy, stuffing my leather vest pockets with tootsie pops and gummy worms. She wore a gray sweatshirt and jeans and drank a Shirley Temple through a straw. When she arrived, I yelled out “Kiddo,” and she looked up and smiled. I said hello to old friends while watching her make the rounds, a popular newcomer (only her 2nd community event). She made her way to me. I dangled candy from my fingers, and she giggled delightfully, greedily taking it.

After the social, we watched a public flogging at a local club. I stroked her hair and back. When I stopped, she said she liked it when I touched her. No need to tell me twice. I finger-combed her hair throughout the show. Later, we talked in my car, trading stories of our broken roads that brought us to this point in time, our unabashed interest in kink, our fondness for taboo, our attraction to DD/lg. We held hands, kissed shyly, talked until the bars closed, found a late-night coffee shop. The conversation never waned, and we reluctantly called it a night. It was 5:00 am.

My head spun all the next day from fatigue and excitement. We met again Sunday afternoon. She showed me her horse. I showed her my boat, where I lived. We opened the doors of our lives to each other.

It was easy to “play the Daddy” with her.  After all, I am old enough to be her father. Tentatively, she found the courage—and the safety in my arms—to regress, to allow her Little side out to meet me as I am. And as a Daddy, I found creative ways to entice and seduce Lolita to play with me while she was in Little space. I knew my life was changed forever during a particularly tender moment on the boat—when Lolita looked at me and called me “Daddy.”

Lolita and I have been inseparable ever since.

 

*    *    *    *    *

Lolita Finds Her Daddy
by Lolita Hayes

My name is Lolita Hayes. I’m a 27-year-old mother of two. I’m a full time student, studying Psychology. I’ve lived in several states. I’ve travelled to Europe. I own a horse, dog, and rabbit. I have lived in the fast lane my whole life, and in 27 years my biggest hurdle has been letting out my eight-year-old self at the biological age of 25. Letting go and admitting that I had a regressive self was more difficult than I can put into words, but I have come to a point in my road (Thank you, Daddy) where I have been able to truly identify my whole self. I can really look in the mirror and see this raw ME shining happily back. Being a Little is part of my life and it’s part of who I am today.

So who is this (or should I say, who are these) uncut, uncensored, RAW me(s)?

“Big” is my responsible, adult, vanilla side. “Lolita” is my most deviant, kinky, pre-teen mind-set. “Little” is my 8- to 10-year old side. Innocent, child-like, she is in every sense of the word ME when I was that age. She’s playful, shy, loves candy, toys, eating at fun child-friendly places, coloring, playing with Daddy, being read to, and, of course, Hello Kitty! I cherish each of these headspaces tenderly. (You will meet each of my regressive selves in full in future columns.)

But how did I find a Daddy to share these parts of myself with?

When I first realized in 2009 that I could let out my “Little” side, I knew without a second thought that I wanted a Daddy. However, I wasn’t confident I’d find anyone to fill my needs as a Little. In those beginning months, I convinced myself that whoever might come along would lose interest because I was too lost in the world of DD/lg to really make any strong connections to a caregiver. When it comes to Daddy/little relationships, the emotional/mental/physical connection is vital. It has to run deep enough to spill into the dynamic.

In my ideal visions, I imagined it’d be like one of those moments in a romantic movie where the two make their entrances in slow motion and there’s an instant connection the moment eyes lock. In that moment, you “just know” it’s the right person. Well, come on now, that’s a movie scene! Right? I told myself, “Snap out of it, Lolita, it’s not going to happen like that. You’re going to have to dive in, search for months, lower your unrealistic expectations, and put your vulnerable Little side out there to be hurt a few times before you find the right Daddy!”

No no no! Boy, was I wrong. Everything I could have imagined in my idealistic world came through for me (of course, the slow motion bit is all in my head). Daddy and I had talked online for a couple weeks, and I was excited to meet him in person but kept my expectations minimal. I walked into the community social and there he was, pockets full of my favorite candy and called me “Kiddo” like we had known each other for years. Somehow, the stars aligned for my Little side that night, and when I bounced over for a gummy worm, I just knew he would take care of my Little forever. We talked for hours, and the longer the night drew on, the more we realized how well connected we truly are. There hasn’t been a moment of wasted time ever since for my vulnerable Little side. I’m safe, and I’m his completely.

The point is, I’ve never felt so deeply pulled into “Little space” ever in my life! He’s really helped me be able to give into that part of myself. Something I’ve been craving so badly is now my daily life. I don’t have to hold back anymore. I had been hiding this part of myself for a long time, and being able to allow the real me out within the safety of my dynamic is like a ton of weight off my shoulders. I might be 27 years old, but I’m a newly born Little through and through. My Little side is coming out because I’ve found that partner that sooths all my worries and Little shyness. My Little side has come out because I’ve found my Daddy.

*     *     *     *     *

Come along as we share our taboo, kinky, sex positive life with you. Find out more about this thing we call the Daddy Dom/little girl dynamic; learn all there is to know about Littles, Middles, and Bigs, and Daddies. We cover everything DD/lg – the good, the bad, the ugly, but most of all, the little things.

 

Behind Closed Doors

 Posted by on May 27, 2013
May 272013
 

istock_000006975278medium-425x265-300x187-7741667originally posted November 11, 2010

For three years I’ve spent an autumn weekend in Tucson, Arizona attending a one day event produced by Baja Leather Arizona. Behind Closed Doors is a unique experience, where all the action but the play party- classes, vending and keynote are all held in a hotel ballroom- the staff sets up cloth partitions and the classes and vending run simultaneously. While this sounds problematic, it winds up being beneficial. Energy flows freely, and you can wonder in and out of class as needed with out being a bother. For the keynote, which happens after the last class session, the come down. It’s an intimate experience, and even with a shorter time-frame than your average convention, I’ve heard several comments that attendees feel more connected to each other. The play party is hosted at newly renovated local club Desert Dominion and is well attended by club members and con attendees alike.

I sat down with Jefferson James, the event producer and owner of Baja Leather Arizona in the hotel’s restaurant after arriving on Friday, and followed up with him afterward.

How did Behind Closed Doors come to be?

“Several years ago, Master Trish proposed that Desert Dominion put on a fetish ball. I sort of bullied my way into being the co-producer. The name Southwest Fetish Ball was chosen and for four years She and I, with a handful of volunteers, worked together to make it happen.

Throughout those four years, She and I had conflicting views on just what the event should be. Hindsight being 20/20, I can now say that she wanted the Southwest Fetish Ball to be a fetish ball. I wanted it to be an educational event.

Shortly after I had decided not to be a part of the event anymore, I learned that Master Trish had decided to pursue other things as well. During a very brief moment of megalomania, I reconsidered leaving the event. It was when I felt I had the power to make the Southwest Fetish Ball whatever I wanted it to be that I realized that what I wanted to produce was not a fetish ball at all.

In the meantime, I’d been going to the Southwest Leather Conference (SWLC) and was doing a lot of evangelizing. I was telling anyone who would listen just how great I thought SWLC was and how they should go. Southern Arizona tends to be a little isolated, though, and many people knew nothing about the presenters. Often the response I got was that the cost of the event coupled with travel expenses and paying for a hotel for the weekend was a lot of money to spend based solely on my recommendation.

Then, during the first half of 2007, I was contacted by the Leather Leadership Conference and asked to put on their very first regional event. It was then that I decided to form Baja Arizona Leather and to use LLC: Tucson as a test flight of sorts for Behind Closed Doors, which I envisioned to be a feeder event for the Southwest Leather Conference.

The subtitle we gave the first Behind Closed Doors was A Sneak Peek. This tied in well with our keyhole logo and with our goal of giving attendees a small, and therefore more affordable, taste of what to expect from a full-blown conference like Southwest Leather.

We also intentionally avoided using the word Leather in the name of our event and in our promotion of it. A lot of the newer people in the local scene are confused by the word and therefore don’t identify with it. Many people told me they thought it was strictly a gay male thing. This is what inspired our first keynote address.”


How do you pick the topics and keynote speakers?

“We had the topic of What it Means to be Leather and began the process of deciding who would be best to convey the message. Because we were trying to dispel the myth that you had to be a kinky gay male to be Leather, we wanted a Leatherwoman. We wanted Lauren Ide.

In my very first conversation with Lauren regarding the keynote, I learned that she and I had totally different views on what it meant to be Leather. At the time, I felt it was an umbrella term that applied to all of us, and not just a subset. She felt the exact opposite.

Due to further conversations with her, my opinion shifted. In discussing my views with her peers and mentors, hers shifted. She had been the conservative and I was the liberal, so to speak. Then, ironically, I was the more conservative one and she was the more liberal. It really opened my eyes, though, to the fact that ours is a living and evolving culture.

For our second year, Peek-a-Two, we wanted a speaker that spoke to that evolution. We wanted someone from the next generation that respected and honored the traditions of the past and who could speak to the issues of our future. Once again, it was a no-brainer. We wanted Julian Wolf.

We have continued, and will continue, to choose our keynote speaker based on who we feel can best articulate our vision of what to many outsiders might appear to be a paradox: The growth of a community whose members celebrate that the main thing they have in common is that they are all different.”

This year Master Z of Dallas was slated to teach and give the keynote address but was unfortunately unable to attend due to sudden illness. Instead of canceling, Jefferson reached out to two members of the greater Arizona community. Whipmaster Bob Clark and his property BootPig stepped up to the plate. Whipmaster Bob taught an extra class and with only hours of warning BootPig gave the keynote address. The topic this year was “Acceptance and Tolerance.”

What was your goal for Behind Closed Doors when you started? Has that changed?

“Part of Baja Arizona Leather’s original mission was to bring BDSM education and camaraderie to southern Arizona. That hasn’t changed. On the other hand, we no longer see Behind Closed Doors strictly as being a feeder event for Southwest Leather. We still highly encourage our attendees to go to SWLC, but we are coming of age and forging our own separate identity. We too continue to evolve. This March we added Baja Bound, a bondage-specific event. We may add other events over time.

Across the country, various events have nicknames. There is the Love Con, the Sex Con, the Woo Con and others. With its three unofficial tracks of Intermediate SM, Advanced SM and Relationships, we see Behind Closed Doors as a bit of a BDSM smorgasbord. This, however, is not etched into stone, but instead cut into living flesh that may look totally different in the future as we all grow and learn together.


Whipmaster Bob and BootPig were gracious enough to share a draft of the address, and below are a few segments.

“There is a right way and a wrong way to how I live my life, my leather. That’s what ethics are about. If I do not agree with a situation from an ethical perspective, I have a duty to speak truth about it. That’s integrity. I have to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable place, to walk my walk, like maybe now. That’s honor. I have to be unwilling to speak or act in a manner that I am not willing to answer for. That’s all of it rolled into one.

I don’t expect one single other person to embrace that particular perspective. It is my purple dress and red hat and it is as valuable in contributing to our sense of unity as any other perspective. To say we are diverse, there has to be a place where my voice is also heard. The new person has to be heard. The old person has to be heard. A hallmark of leadership is not just the ability to give feedback, but the ability to receive feedback. Each of us leads in some way. Are you accepting feedback?”

…

“I hear we are responsible for teaching the new people. I don’t think we are. I think we are responsible for empowering them, for helping as we can, and for getting out of their way so they can explore. Guided discovery allows us to learn from each other. Teaching implies a one way sharing of knowledge. We explored. The ones before us explored. The ones before them explored…”

“I think our job with each other is to celebrate and empower. No one wants to be tolerated…”

“Acceptance, is maybe better than tolerance. It is a favorable or positive expression. Still it requires drawing a level of conclusion about my personal opinion on the matter..

What I can do, with a full and open heart, is celebrate that it passes for them though. I hope that they have a space for their special interest group. I hope they have standards and expectations. I hope that they are willing to ask for advice, and maybe take it on occasion. I hope that they can offer the same respect to others and celebrate the difference. I can say, “I am right here if you need me” and be willing to be unneeded while they find their way. I will defend their right to gather with others that resonate with them. I will contribute to our community in this way.

And I will hold an sacred space for me and embrace exclusivity and choice. I will live by a personal code and embrace the discipline necessary to be present and open to alternate perspectives. I will hold my small circle of those who celebrate and empower me, that allow me to do the same for them and they will run amok on my adventures with me. I will hear their voice and they will hear mine, and if each of us did this, the diversity would bloom as a celebration of achievement, for each individual and as a collective.”

Behind Closed Doors is a jewel in the desert, offering affordable education in a welcoming and friendly environment. It’s somewhat surreal as the event has shared the hotel with everything from model horse painters to church groups, but once you go behind the ballroom doors there is a wealth of experience.

Mindfully Out

 Posted by on May 25, 2013
May 252013
 

istock_000015163515xsmall-425x282-300x199-7024899The meditation practice, and organization that I utilize, is openly GLBT friendly.

This is, and has been, a very important reason on why I usually feel comfortable doing my meditation practice at that particular shrine.  I have had my up-down moments, last year I went to a GLBT retreat weekend at a meditation center close by that I felt like the odd man out, but in general I feel welcomed and accepted.

I recently got active again at my center in a yearlong program.  I was offered an assistant position in the program and I automatically jumped on the offer.  I had been sending out good juju into the universe, wanting that type of position, and when the opportunity arose I very excitedly accepted it.  After the first meeting I was waiting for a friend to drive me back home – It was late and I had travel early that next morning – and I had openly announced that in the past few months I had been active in dating my lady-friend.

While walking out to the car with my friend we were discussing how dating fits into my schedule when I also made the announcement that I was poly so making room for dating, and relationships, is very important to me.  Mindfulness in relationships, especially polyamory relationships, are important.  I have been working on accepting why some relationships don’t make it and how some relationships do make it.  I have been in really nice relationships with partners who may have a lot in common with me with interests, religious and spiritual beliefs, and enjoying some of the same things but because of different needs emotionally things have slowly drifted, or quickly ripped, apart and have imploded on itself.

To be open, to be truthful, and mindful sometimes requires privacy and other forms of communication.  Recently one of my friends from a church I go to had sent me an email about a poly survey.  I had been out in a group that we belonged to for a while at that point but after she had sent the survey, and I thanked her for it, she came out as poly to me.  Not absent mindedly- but being fully present and understanding how worried she was with my perception of her, if I would be willing on sharing that space with her, and if not what she could do to avoid awkward situations in the future with me.

There is a mindfulness that comes into play when outing oneself as either kinky, poly, or part of the GLBT community.  I am not one for declaring “Thou shall out yourself!” or not.  To be honest I struggle with being out to everyone.  I was at a program a few years in college, held by a sexologist, when someone that I had been mentoring about the BDSM lifestyle made a very loud statement that the sexologist had a flogger like the one I have in my dorm room.  I sincerely lucked out and the two other people at the presentation were friends of mine, both knowing that I was a little more experimental with my tastes than them, but the comment still felt like it had come out of left field with no warning.  No mindfulness about anyone else around us and even though we were discussing the topic of sex we were not openly discussing the topic about individual sex lives.

It’s hard to reconcile with famous people, or high-profiled people, who get into the limelight because their sex life may be different than the mainstream.  Especially with certain political groups where we enjoy to gawk and go “so he/she can do this, this, and that but they feel that it’s appropriate to “______________”. We aren’t mindful in general when we gossip about other people’s lives.  In fact gossiping, which really can only be damaging even if no one else finds out that you are gossiping about them, can be damaging to Karma.  It may seem like an innocent act but although it may not hurt the other person it hurts self-respect and integrity.

I am not saying “staying in the closet” or beware of anyone in the kink community and sharing anything and everything.  When sharing, when feeling the need to share, when feeling the need to be proud simply be aware and be mindful.  Why are you doing it? Why are you stating something?  Is it for you, is it for another person, is it to educate, do you expect a shiny gold star?

To be out is to be mindful of the soul.

Stalking the Elusive “Unicorn”

 Posted by on May 23, 2013
May 232013
 

istock_000014890933xsmall-300x165-2639560 Once you get into the online polyamory world, it won’t be long before you see your first personal ad from a couple looking for their “unicorn”. All of you poly veterans out there are already nodding your heads. In the poly world, a “unicorn” is a young, single, non-crazy, sexually adventurous, drug and disease-free bisexual female who wants desperately to live with and love a male/female couple. She should be well educated, gainfully employed yet willing to move all the way across the country for her “dream family”, want to make kids and/or help raise someone else’s, and in a perfect world, has red hair/big breasts/whatever the fantasy ideal of the couple is. In a large number of cases, she should be skinny, or at least “healthy”, and if she could be submissive, that’s a big plus. And it almost goes without being said that she must love both members of the primary couple equally, she will always be secondary, and shouldn’t want or need a primary of her own.

Every unicorn-hunting couple has their own vision of the unicorn. Mix and match the laundry list above, and most unicorn hunter personal ads are represented. There are a shockingly large number of couples looking for one. And the vast, overwhelming majority of them will never meet her.

The concept of unicorn hunting runs counter to one of the basic philosophical advantages being polyamorous has over monogamy. When you are poly, every relationship in your life has the capability to be whatever it is going to be. There are no arbitrary limits on how serious a relationship can become, no hard and fast rules on how many you can have, and no need to pull back from a friendship because one or the other wants more.

Of course, this is not necessarily completely true. Many poly relationships do in fact have negotiated rules limiting things in various ways. In my own family, we are very cautious whenever one of us shows interest in someone new, or someone from outside our quad shows interest in us. Our home life is pretty good, and we are loath to upset it arbitrarily. And now with a baby in the house, we are even more so. Anyone that fits into the craziness of our lives would have to be a pretty exceptional individual, whether they lived with us or not.

There are other limits in our family, but that’s not the point. Because we are poly, we had to actively work through it. We had to sit down and think about what we wanted our relationship(s) to be, and work through disagreements. There were no societal norms assumed to hold sway.

Unicorn hunters, by codifying exactly what they are looking for in a new partner, are already limiting what the relationships can be. First of all, they are limiting the potential pool of applicants right from the start. Very rarely are unicorn hunters looking for a male, cis or trans. I’ve even seen a few personals disqualifying transwomen. But that’s just the beginning. What if the new partner loves one partner more than the other? Or doesn’t feel sexual attraction to one? What if she is unwilling or unable to move, or doesn’t want kids?

How is this different from what my family did and does, you may ask? Simple. We discussed things together, and reached decisions together. The unicorn hunters have imposed their limits without the input of the potential new partner. That difference is critical.

The limits delineated by unicorn hunters virtually doom them to failure. They are welcome to search for their needle in a haystack as long as they like. And I truly hope that every such couple finds the partner they are looking for. I’m all for more love and happiness in the world. But I would urge them, and all people desirous of a poly family, whatever its configuration, to remain open to whatever and whomever they might meet. The likelihood of success increases the more open you are. My own family is a perfect example. The life we live is amazing, but most of us did not see it coming. We are together now only because we were brave enough to let our relationship(s) develop and grow, and did not try to force them into some pre-existing set of standards.

originally posted September 8, 2011

The “Cannibal Cop” & the “Thought Police”

 Posted by on May 21, 2013
May 212013
 

trial-300x182-8764541There has been a lot written recently about the conviction of Gilberto Valle, “Cannibal cop,” and advent of “thought crime.” (an interesting point-counterpoint at Salon, and great thorough coverage by Daniel Engber’s Slate.com) Gilberto Valle is the New York cop who fantasized in elaborate and gruesome detail about kidnapping, cooking and eating a young woman (at one time possibly his wife, at one time possibly an old college friend). He spent a great deal of time discussing this dark fantasy in that proving ground for inept criminals, the internet chat room, and on sites like darkfetish.net. He also accessed a police database to track down one of his possible victims, and actually paid a visit to one possible victim (albeit on a vacation with his wife and child). Long story made short (though if you want the longer story, really: check out the Slate coverage, linked above), his wife eventually noticed that he was spending inordinate amounts of time chatting on the computer & with some investigation, discovered his horrific plans. She turned the computer over to the FBI, grabbed their child and ran. Gilberto was arrested, tried, and convicted (& for those still following this saga, he will be sentenced June 19th – ironically, his one year wedding anniversary).

As I’ve been reading the coverage, I’ve been thinking a lot about the case of Daniel DePew, also convicted of a “thought crime” back in the early 1990s. Dan DePew was convicted, along with Dean Lambey, of conspiring to kidnap, abuse, and “snuff” a young boy. The catch is, this crime never occurred. The evidence that it was actually planned is thin at best – and the evidence of police entrapment was overwhelming. The history of this infamous “crime” is detailed in the early chapters of Laura Kipnis’ excellent Bound and Gagged (reviewed here): two cops, taking advantage of the “snuff film” hysteria of the late 80s, trolled internet bulletin boards until they discovered a man who claimed to have a significant stash of child porn (Lambey). They goaded him into enlisting another man – Daniel DePew – in a greater plot to create a “snuff film,” thus creating a conspiracy. Lambey found Dan DePew on – you guessed it – the internet, trolling gay S&M Bulletin Boards, putting feelers out for people with “common interests.”

The details of the entrapment are truly astonishing. Most of the ideas seem to come from the police. At first the four spin elaborate – albeit extremely dark – fantasy about kidnapping and assaulting a young boy. This fits into Dan DePew’s own S&M Practice – he admitted to being “into” Daddy-Boy scenes. But the idea of making this fantasy into reality, and the conviction that they would have to “snuff” the victim, comes first from the police! And at one point just before he was arrested, Dan DePew says that he wants out, that the whole thing had gone too far. He actually has to be talked back into the plan by one of the cops, because (as the cops well know) if there aren’t at least two non-cops involved, they cannot be guilty of conspiracy. Dan DePew was convicted & sentenced to 33 years.

So both of these men were convicted of thought crime – guilty of fantasy. Well, actually, both of these men were convicted of conspiracy to commit heinous crimes. The difference between a “pure” thought crime and a conspiracy is an “overt act” in furtherance of the alleged conspiracy. Dan DePew investigated the manufacture of chloroform – that was his overt act (the case against him grows even flimsier upon investigation). Gilberto Valle committed a number of slightly more… “overt” acts – he accessed a restricted police database to gather information on a possible victim, and actually travelled several states away to see her. The reasoning is that once there is an overt act, arresting the participants is no longer punishing an obscene fantasy – it’s preventing a murder. But was the act a clear enough indication that this was a plan, rather than pornographic imagination? That’s the question that the jury has to answer – and in both cases, they saw a plan.

But as I’m looking at these two cases, I wonder what else the jury saw. Dan DePew is a gentle giant: tall, well built, soft-spoken. But he is also an openly gay man – a cause for fear in Virginia of the late 80s, where sodomy was still a crime. He was into violent S&M when the image of the gay scene still resembled Al Pachino in Cruising. Worse still, into daddy/boy scenes. And if all of this were not enough to stack the jury against him, it was revealed in court that he had AIDS. He was the very embodiment of the demonic “other” – the jury’s greatest fear made flesh. The facts are a garish parody of police entrapment as performed by the keystone cops – and yet faced with the embodiment of evil, the jury convicted .

Compare that with Gilberto Valle. Officer Valle was recently married, had a new baby, grinned boyishly from dozens of photographs (again, check out the Slate coverage – great journalism). He had the look of a friendly beat-cop, someone who you could trust to teach your son or daughter about bike safety in the neighborhood. But reading the contents of his online chats about cooking and eating young women, discovering that his family vacation to Maryland was really a stalking mission, he quickly morphs into our greatest fear: the devil among us. Watching the coverage of the marathon bombings, the recent kidnapping drama in Cleveland, it seems clear that in addition to the crime itself, what horrifies us is that people guilty of such heinous acts are with us day in, day out. We see them on the street, we say hi to them … we have ribs with them. The jury convicted him for what the prosecution said he planned to do – realize his darkest fantasy by cooking and eating another person. It is very likely the jury also convicted him for who he is: our newly married next-door neighbor with a new baby and a very dark secret.

The question that runs through the coverage of both of these events is: were these men convicted of fantasy? Do we read here the advent of the “thought police” as foretold by George Orwell? Or had fantasy crossed the line into conspiracy? Did the “overt actions” taken by these men demonstrate “beyond a reasonable doubt” that they had taken steps towards committing these grisly crimes – crossing the line from fantasy to reality? I find another question here as well: did these juries vote to convict deep-seeded cultural fears: in 1990, the sado-masochistic gay “other;” in 2012, evil among us – the devil we saw every day but didn’t recognize.

Sensual Graffiti: Miss Van

 Posted by on May 19, 2013
May 192013
 

miss-van-425x300-300x211-4162119Originally posted May 29, 2011

I first came to know the work of Miss Van on the streets of San Francisco. There, on the corner of Fillmore and Height, was a curvaceous bunny girl painted on the outside of a door. She had large sultry lips and barely-open eyes. She was topless, wearing a bunny hat, teal thigh-high stockings, and a short petal skirt. A sexy painting! Outside! I passed it again and again on the 22-Fillmore bus.

But why is this remarkable? We’re constantly inundated with images of sex on billboards. Sex sells, right? But the sex sold on ads and billboards usually isn’t sexy or sensual. I never look at a billboard and feel turned on. Yes, it’s on the street and it is supposed to be sexy, but really? Those advertisements have transformed sex into something else. Now, street art? That’s exciting, and Miss Van has really brought sensuality to the streets.

Unlike many street and graffiti artists who favor spray paint and stencils, Miss Van prefers acrylic paint and brushes, which is why her outdoor works are truly “street paintings.” Originally from France, she started painting walls when she was 18. Her early street art pieces depicted chibi girls with cute chubby faces and round breasts. Her painted ladies became more provocative. They were shapelier and the faces created with greater detail. They sometimes wear masks, sometimes clothing and sometimes not. The narrow eyes and large lips of Miss Vans’ army of dolls has become part of her signature style. In an interview with StyleJunkies, she said she wants you to “focus on the eyes and the face, which are important weapons of seduction. When you walk in the street, you have to attract the gaze of others.”

There are a myriad of ways that sensuality and sexuality are brought into public spaces. One way is through sex work, which has something in common with street art: illegality. Yet, unlike street-based sex work, which often has to hide in alleys or dark corners, sensual street art is constant and visible. That is, until it is painted over or removed. With the presence of work like Miss Vans’ on the streets, sensuality is no longer hidden. Her street art forces the viewer, suspecting or not, to think about sex and sensuality. Even if an individual is outraged, the work still made that person think. This is exactly what Miss Van wants. On her website, she writes that she hopes her street girls “convey a provocative image, sometimes a bit erotic. I wish they disturbed and provoked fantasies [sic]. I want them to make the viewer react, no matter the reaction. I would like them to make people forget their daily lives.”

Like some other graffiti artists, Miss Van has garnered the attention of galleries and collectors. She shows in top galleries the world over, and has a new show opening at Jonathan Levine Gallery later this month. Her gallery work is more detailed and nuanced than the street paintings. She also accesses a wider range of medium. Yet, these ‘fine art’ works still capture the sensuality and ferocity of her street girls. On the street or in the gallery, Miss Van maintains her commitment to her girls’ power of seduction.

Transgender: Queer, Fluid and Beautiful

 Posted by on May 17, 2013
May 172013
 

istock_000021056755xsmall-300x199-1949167Recently, I read the book “Feminism is Queer” which explored the intersections between feminist and queer theory from a theoretical standpoint. There was an entire section devoted to the topic of gender and I couldn’t help but to feel inspired to talk about how gender ties into oppression and feminism in so, so many different ways.

To start, to be transgender means that your gender identity does not fit into the binary structure that our society (or the structures of any other) has created, that being male and female. For these folks, the gender that they were assigned at birth, based on their biological sex, doesn’t match with or fully encompass how they relate to themselves, the world and doesn’t mirror their personal identity.

Transgender is an umbrella term, meaning that it is encompassing of a range of identities that all fit under its premise. It includes everyone from transsexuals (those who are in the process of changing or have changed their gender to be that of the opposite sex) to gender queer’s (all people who don’t identify under the binary gender structure), to agender’s (those that are not a man nor woman) and those that move between gender’s, who might call themselves gender fluid (but this is certainly not a complete list).

The idea that gender is not a binary system with only two definite possibilities is one that is at the heart of queer theory. Queer theory is a movement in academia (as well as in activism, but to a lesser extent) that lies in the premise that gender, sexuality and biological sex are fluid and limitless and that the power structures that exist around enforcing the hegemonic nature of these is oppressive. Queer theory is a rejection of heteronormativity (assuming everyone to be default heterosexual and the enforcement of heterosexuality as the norm) and a two-gender and two-sex system of identification.

Queer theory uses theoretical ideas, philosophy and structure that reject hierarchal power structures and order that exist around sexuality. Any type of power system that enforces domination is fought against and shown to be repressive by limiting the possibility of diversity. Range, freedom and expression are ideas that are all encouraged and thrive within this discipline.

Unfortunately, outside of queer theory, the idea of people identifying as transgender has not been embraced or celebrated. The trans community is not well understood or embraced by society and gender-bending can have serious social consequences. Because of the constructs that we hold around masculinity and femininity (and how men and women are supposed to live up to them) it makes going out of this rigid framework extremely difficult.

The trans community also doesn’t receive a lot of support for the LGBT community, as most groups, organizations, events and action associated with the term are geared towards the LGB. Quick, name the last state that passed a law outlawing trans discrimination! Chances are that you probably can’t. Now, name the last state that granted marriage equality to lesbian and gay couples…chances are that you probably at least have a clue.

The fact is that transgender individuals also experience a disproportionate amount of abuse, violence and discrimination[1]. One study found that 40% of police-initiated violence targeted those who were transgender[2] and that 83% of Male to Female transsexuals and 85% of Female to Male transsexuals reported experience verbal abuse because of the identity status[3]. The same study also found that 17.5% were homeless or didn’t have a stable housing situation and that about half had experienced some type of employment discrimination because they were transsexual. Clearly, being transgender in our society is no small feat.

Because of all of this, we have to be more aware and take action. As we consider ourselves to be open-minded about sexuality, it is our duty to advocate on behalf of the transgender community. True equality will never come about until we give this group a voice and allow ourselves and others to get out of the boxes we have created for them as “male” and “female”. We have to explore gender and allow ourselves to think fluidly instead of rigidly. Being transgender has the ability to be perceived as a normal and beautiful way of seeing yourself and the world, but it’s up to us to allow it to be.

You can’t wear that in a dungeon

 Posted by on May 15, 2013
May 152013
 

istock_000002538643xsmall-300x199-2033951Originally posted on October 29, 2010

Where is there a rule that you have to wear fetish fashion to a kink event? Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE clothes, fashion and especially fetish fashion. You might say that I have a fashion fetish. But that’s me, not you. Your fetish may be objectification or urine. I find it hard to believe that you would talk about me because I didn’t flag yellow at a leather event. You accept my kink and I accept yours. But somewhere along the line it became a requirement to dress in fetish wear – or at least all black – to kink events.

You may say, “but leather and black is tradition.” I get that, and I REALLY enjoy my Sir wearing those sexy leather pants and oh so lick-able boots. But, I also respect that you may not be into latex or corsets or any other traditional non-traditional attire. Interestingly enough, I continuously find rants, raves, and blogs trashing those who show up at kink events in “inappropriate clothing.” How dare someone show up to the dungeon wearing a polo shirt of all things?

We are overlooking the big picture. The problem isn’t what you wear, but how you wear it. There are a few rules of fashion that apply to everyone, and just as much to the dungeon as they do every other day.

Here are my top three:

  1. It isn’t what you wear; it’s how you wear it. We may be wearing the same $200 dress, but one of us will look better. It has nothing to do with who is skinnier and everything to do with how we use that dress to express ourselves. Accessories? Hair? Makeup? What does it say about you? Femme? Dyke? Fun? Serious? If you don’t have a plan all you have is a $200 dress. Put it all together and you have an amazingly effective statement of self expression.
  2. Don’t forget the shoes. You look amazing in the outfit, perfect hair, great makeup…and um, flip flops? Really? Now, I know some of you are saying, “Nina, not everyone can wear heels 24/7,” but it has nothing to do with heels and everything to do with the details.Take a look at the details. Everything that you do should be deliberate. If you want to be dirty, be DIRTY! But, if your goal is not to play pig for the evening, than take a moment to ask yourself if your clothes are clean, not worn out, and fit well. I could go on (and on) but I’ll limit myself to three tips for helping you pay attention to the details: 1) have a full length mirror …. And use it. If possible, have two and get a look at your back side. 2) Sit down! You may look great standing up, but eventually you will have to sit down. Look in the mirror? Are you still sexy sitting down? 3) Start at the top. From hair to shoes, I ask myself if I’m saying what I want to say about myself today. Did I forget something? Does it all come together? And, in case you were wondering, leather pants and white athletic sneakers do not “come together.”
  3. Dress for your body type. This is a hard rule for me to follow. I REALLY want to wear that skin tight PVC dress. But I have to accept that I am not doing myself any favors by ignoring the fact that my body is not built for that dress. It has nothing to do with weight. I’m curvy, but I do not have an hour glass figure (yes you can be curvy and have an hourglass figure). I try to focus on creating a waistline. For me this means A-line skirts, drawing attention to my cleavage and avoiding clothes that are too big for me. Everyone’s body is different. So, just because a style is “in”, doesn’t mean that you should ever be seen in it!

Fashion may not be your fetish, but remember it says more than you think about who you are. What is your fashion saying about you?

BDSM Event Newbies

 Posted by on May 13, 2013
May 132013
 

istock_000001536147small-425x283-300x199-8507169Originally posted April 19, 2011

Dear Sarah,

My partner and I are going to our first BDSM event, and we’re really nervous about it. We’re new to BDSM, and while we’ve been to a few munches and one play party we are still unsure about where we fit in. What can we do to make sure we have a great time?

-Strangers to the scene

Dear Strangers,

BDSM events – hell, any event – can be an emotional pressure cooker. You’re outside of your usual routine, exposed to lots of different people, probably skipping your usual sleep & down time, and taking in a lot of new ideas. There’s also the kink & sexiness that you’ll be surrounded by – which is also a big deviation from the norms of school / work / family life! Now, this can all be amazing, and can help you learn more about yourselves and meet amazing people – but it’s also stressful. So, the best thing you can do is to go in with a plan!

From a physical perspective, I remind people to use the 5-2-1 rule (from science fiction conventions) – every day, get at least 5 hours of sleep, 2 meals, and 1 shower. Add in commonsense rules like “stay hydrated”, “don’t drink or party too much”, and “get some downtime for yourself”, and your body will be in the best shape it can be to avoid getting physically burned out or emotionally overwhelmed.

Emotionally, be prepared to do a few things that are very, very important. First, talk over your agreements about boundaries with your partner before you leave. Include in this whether either of you will be open to play with other people, what kinds of play that might include, and how you will go about notifying or getting approval from your partner. If you have never played with other people, I highly recommend that you talk this out in depth, as you probably don’t want to have either (or both) of you feeling neglected, jealous, or afraid if it happens over the weekend.

You also want to make sure that you take some time during the weekend to check in with each other. Over dinner, during some private downtime, or even while you’re in the shower – anytime that you can focus on each other without distractions. The key is that you have time without anyone around to talk about what you’ve learned, what you’re curious about, what is working for you, and what isn’t working for you. This can be the time to talk through your concerns and ask questions; doing it when you’re more relaxed and not in the midst of a “push” to go do something else takes the stress off (at least a little bit) and lets you be more open & emotionally available.

When you look at the event schedule, remember one important thing: the world will not end if you don’t do everything you wanted to. Conference schedules often run from 8 AM until 2 AM (or even later); there may be anywhere from 3-10 classes happening simultaneously, and between that, meetups, meals, play time, and the inevitable (and delightful) unexpectedly awesome conversations you’ll get into with other folks, you have to draw the line somewhere. Pick what’s really important to you, and then prioritize the other stuff. I promise you, the class you are sad that you’ll miss will likely be offered again at a time and place that you can attend, and you really can miss that hot scene in the play space that you wanted to watch without falling apart.

Finally, make sure that you have some “landing time” after the event. Con drop – the emotional let-down and often physical weariness that happen post-event – seems to hit most everyone at some point. Clear space for intimate time with your partner the night after the event; take the day off after you get home if you can, and make sure you eat well and have time to process in your preferred ways. Taking that time to reconnect with our loves and with our selves can help us to recover from the event, and make sure that we come out of it wiser, stronger, and sexier than we went in.

And don’t forget the most important part – have a great time!

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