Seeing a Desirable Me

 Posted by on April 21, 2013
Apr 212013
 

istock_000010470464small-425x282-300x199-8362890Originally Published April 9, 2011

From an early age, I would look into the mirror and see only the things I wish I could change; from the dimple in my chin, my growing belly and fat arms to my round face, huge jiggly ass. Then I didn’t realize that some men would prize these very flaws that I wanted to rid myself of. Seeing me through their eyes has been an amazing experience.

When I was 19, I lost my virginity to a man who loved every curve of my body. I spent much of my early adulthood learning to see how he could see me and to accept the pleasure I felt when he touched those flaws and devoured me whole.

You see, I had learned to hate the fat belly and swinging arms. I couldn’t find anything sexual about them on my own and was certain that men would find them just as horrendous as I had. With inner discomfort I would pray he’d skip over my belly and not touch those flaws. I wanted him to pretend that my belly and huge thighs didn’t exist, I guess. For me they were unwanted and I struggled not to be reminded that they were a part of me. I would shy away from his caress and push his hand to the more ‘important’ parts.

But he didn’t let me. He worshiped my thighs and touched my belly with a caress that only someone who finds it attractive could do. I began to see that desire in his eyes as he gazed upon the whole of me and I was amazed. The body I wanted to change with every fiber of my being was his ultimate pleasure.

Accepting his gaze and touch would mean accepting my shape as sexual and appealing. I would have to start seeing myself as he sees me. A very desirable body. Cautiously I would stand in front of a mirror and touch those parts that caused me angst. I’d rub my belly, and trace the shape of my hips. At first I still turned away from what I was seeing and feeling.

One day, during my mirror experiment he approached me and asked me what I was doing. With that timid air I told him, afraid he’d laugh at me. Instead he stood behind me in the mirror and traced the curves so that I could see how he touched me and I started to understand and react. His touch was pure desire, not tentative touching and faces of disgust as I was doing.

He taught me to feel desire from these parts of me.

My current boyfriend has continued my education. He too gazes at me with such desire and lust that I can’t help but feel like the most precious jewel in the room. Through all my believed imperfections what he sees is perfect.

He has taken what my first boyfriend taught me to the next level. He puts his appreciation into words. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t tell me that he loves a body part of mine. I now love hearing it. I love knowing that my big belly brings him joy and that my wide behind drives him to stop what he’s doing just to watch my walk by. I’ve grown more positive aware of my body with his utterances.

He really honestly is a fat admirer.

I’m drawn out of my shell. I wear clothing that emphasizes my curves now instead of hiding them. He’s made me even more playful and unafraid to touch myself in ways I used to find repulsive. I never shy from his touches. I’m more myself than I’ve ever been.

Imagine if all of us felt this way about our bodies? There is someone out there that loves your body just as it is and may even desire to do more than gaze upon it. And we’d be happier with ourselves if we’d just accept that differences are beautiful.

I challenge all of you to do the mirror activity that I did. You and the one you love can reclaim those forgotten places on your body and bring them back to being a desirable part of you again. We can tear down the stereotypes of perfect bodies and airbrushed looks and announce that the body we were born with is what’s sexy.

Learn to see that desirable you.

Gas Station Buddha

 Posted by on April 17, 2013
Apr 172013
 

istock_000007880225xsmall-300x200-1Wednesday was a really big day in the world.  A good chunk of the world, non-Catholics and Catholics alike, stopped to see who the new pope was.  This has been a popular topic among both religious and spiritual beings and atheists; I mean who knew a pope could retire, and although the pope’s jurisdiction only covers Catholicism his decrees affects the recovering Catholics too; like me.

I was at a gas station, waiting in line to make my purchases, a bit after I saw the world welcoming in Pope Francis I when I heard some commotion from behind.  Supposedly the gas station I go into for my sparkling water sells crosses.  I’m not sure if there is any legitimacy behind these crosses and a cross that I would pick up from a Christian type store, minus the gas station crosses that were void of jeebus action figures, but there it was.  I had a moment of amusement mixed with confusion.

Amused that a gas station would even sell a cross: I mean really – What are you going to do with a cross on the road and confused with whether or not on why this would be there. A few weekends ago, at church, my Minister gave a very nice sermon on false idols of the mind and spirit.  We have gone through the Unitarian Universalist principles this past year and this month we have focused on Humanism.  Humanism, for those who don’t know, focuses on humans and interactions with them, but not putting every grain of salt of spirituality into a supernatural being.  In fact there is no supernatural being in humanism.  There is a good chance that if a person is atheistic then they might be a humanist who focuses on the humanities well-being as their spirituality.

Buddhism, or at least some forms of Buddhism, would fall under humanism.

I’ve seen many Buddhas, in different locations, that might not have anything buddhist about them.  When my mother went traveling to Japan she found the word of the Buddha in her hotel rooms.  Note that they were free to take and spread the word she did take two of them being pretty interested in the fact that these were in replacement of the bible.  She also has at least one Buddha in her household despite having very deep Irish Catholic roots. Another friend has a happy Buddha in his living room, not really plain sight, but when I clean for him I usually see it.  My grandmother, who is a faux Buddhist and didn’t actually get fully on that Buddha train of gratitude and happiness, has shrines and shrines of Buddha.  Despite her nature to be not very nice to anyone the Buddha is present in her home.

So, is there really a difference between the gas station cross and a Buddha figurine?

Neither of these items are what the religion or spirituality is about.  Neither of these objects hold the power to destroy a religion or hold a religion at its foundations in a physical way.  Yes these objects remind us, mentally and spiritually, what we believe in.  I still do the sign of the cross when I walk by a Catholic church and if I were to go into a Catholic Church today I would guarantee you that I would bless myself with holy water, walk as close to the altar as possible, pray before getting into the pew, and kneel and pray when I get into the pew.  Guess what all these actions would be in front of? A very big crucifix, a statue of Joseph, and a statue of Mary carrying the baby Jesus.

Idols do not naturally exist- it all about creation.  The gas station crosses are merely cross-shaped objects.  It’s like identifying anything else- it’s taught. When you get down to it what creates the idols, what brings you close to Buddha, what creates a closeness to the idol, is really what is taught that the item, person, or objects holds for power.  If someone brings in a Buddha with a hello kitty picture on his stomach is he worth more or any less than a gold Buddha that costs thousands of dollars?

What is in an object, book, or religious practice?  Is an idol really an idol to every practicing member of a specific religion or spirituality or do we form our thoughts on it like we form nurture and nature?

Mentioning Unmentionables Part 1

 Posted by on April 15, 2013
Apr 152013
 

istock_000006396325xsmall-300x199-7294327I think it’s far past time that we start mentioning our “unmentionables.” There’s a lot more to masculine cut underwear than “boxers or briefs.” (There’s a lot more to feminine cut underwear as well, but that’s a different column.) During a recent conversation with a dear friend, he mentioned that he never knew that there was underwear that gave so much support that he wouldn’t have to shift and adjust himself all day. He had believed- for thirty years- that that was simply part of being born with male anatomy. A conversation with a peer lead to the lending of a jock-strap which then lead to what became an almost life changing experience for my dear friend in question. He immediately ordered several pairs and hasn’t looked back.

How much thought do you give your underwear? Do you wear the same things you’ve been wearing for years? Do you like to change things up and keep several styles on hand? There are several aspects to consider when it comes to your britches. Physical comfort, support; fashion silhouettes, lines and accents. These can certainly come into play each and every time you get dressed.

“Whitey tighties” are a fetish for some, and an unpleasant throwback to adolescence for others. They certainly serve their purpose regardless, offering a “full coverage” silhouette, a functioning fly and enough comfort that they’ve been a mainstay for most of a century. Jockies (the manufacturer preferred nickname) usually offer a seamless look underneath jeans and slacks and offer a somewhat subtle presentation of your package.

Boxers are a lose fitting option that offer a variety of novelty patter options and are not only favored to wear under clothes but also as sleepwear. They’re focused less on support and much more on coverage. Boxer shorts are a casual wear option that is enjoyed by many. You might show lines or experience bunching under slacks with boxer shorts, particularly with briefs, but many refuse to wear anything else.

Boxer Briefs are a combination of a the jockeys and boxers, offering a significantly more coverage than basic briefs and a cut that resembles shorts. This modern amalgamation of the classics is a perfect match for many who feel that boxers are too lose and Jockies too restrictive. They usually appear seamless under jeans and many styles of slacks and enough coverage that one might pick up the newspaper without offending too many neighbors.

Jocks or Jock Straps come in many forms form the utilitarian style used by sportsmen to the fashion forward designs offered in a variety of colors and variations of styles. A jock can offer anything from a dramatic to a subtle presentation of your package, and offers minimal coverage on the back. This is the favorite of several of my friends, as it gives them complete support and seamless wear under almost any type of clothing.

There are more options available in underwear designed for the masculine individual, including the eternally popular option of “going commando” or simply without anything under your outwear.

Some people find the most comfortable option, others simply enjoy the sensations of their clothing directly on their skin. The underwear you chose to wear- or not – can affect your mood, and your actions for the duration of your day. Sometimes, one might enjoy restriction and at others, one might want to be quite free. Perhaps you want just enough support that you only have to shift around ever hour or so, or you want to have to “drop trow” when you go to the restroom instead of just unzipping your fly…

My proposition to you, gentle readers, is to consider what you’re wearing under what you’re wearing. Think about how it feels both physically and the feeling that it gives you. Check yourself out in a mirror or ask a close friend how you look in nothing but. Take this time to think about a variety of cloth that is offered and find something that you find delightful. Consider trying something new, you might just discover that something different might just change your life, or enhance your enjoyment of your current stand by.

Enjoy yourself.

{This was originally posted September 19, 2011}

Screening Service Submissives

 Posted by on April 13, 2013
Apr 132013
 

istock_000009031024small-425x283-300x199-8905432Dear Sarah,

I am a Dominant looking for a service submissive, what is best way to screen someone?

Signed, K.

Dear K,

Welcome to the darkest domain of uncertainty…how to find the right submissive. There are tons of them out there, by the looks of the “ISO” listings on various kink websites, and yet finding one who is a good fit can be a lengthy process.

Before you even place or respond to an ad, or talk in person to an interested submissive, take a long, hard look at what you’re looking for and what you can offer. You’ll want to draw up a statement of your own goals & interests before you sit down to talk with anyone. What, specifically, are you looking to receive? Do you want someone to do your windows, your toenails, or your taxes? Are you looking for someone who is also a player in a style that you enjoy (for instance, they’re exceptionally skilled at co-topping, and you love to be able to play as a team with someone that will follow your lead). If you are looking for a sexual or romantic companion, say so, but if not – make that VERY clear in your statement, as many submissives (especially those newer to the community) assume that becoming a lover or partner is included. Also include skills or knowledge that a potential submissive can learn from you – you may be able to train them in protocol, various skills, or even basic scene etiquette. Once you’ve gotten this written down, it can be a basis for replying to emails about what you’re looking for, posting an ad, or even just having a one-on-one discussion.

Once you’ve found someone with whom you feel a bit of a click, make time to talk to them – in person, if at all possible. Your goal here is to get them to talk about themselves, and practice active listening while they talk. You want to find out what their core motivation for performing service is (which is often not the first thing that they will tell you); you want to see what they’re interested in, and why. Explore their experience – not even necessarily as a submissive, but in any service-oriented role (including professional work, volunteering, helping others around the house, etc. Once they’re finished talking (and don’t rush it!), then you can talk about your own desires. Make sure you are clear about things that you can and cannot offer, and make sure you include how you acknowledge/reward excellent service. If you plan on utilizing punishment techniques, you’ll want to talk about that briefly, as well (ditto if you don’t use them; often people are surprised that some dominants don’t cane their submissives when they’ve done something incorrectly!).

The last step before making a decision is to schedule some time for them to actually perform service for you; perhaps having them serve you at an event or party is the easiest to schedule, but rarely gives an accurate view of them as a submissive due to the public nature of the affair. Bringing them in for a day or two that includes public and private time is very helpful, as you’ll see a more clear vision of their ability to handle a variety of situations (as well as a variety of tasks). I personally recommend no play during an evaluation period, simply because it can cloud judgement, but if you do decide to play, separating it from the quality of their service is important, to avoid any assumptions.

Taken slowly and step-by-step, finding a quality submissive can be an experience full of self-exploration and learning – and it can also work as a way for you to refine your negotiation and interviewing skills as you go, enabling you to become even better at knowing quality when you see it! Good luck with your search…and please let us know how it goes!

-Sarah

This article was originally posted June 5, 2010

Polyamory and Bigamy

 Posted by on April 11, 2013
Apr 112013
 

istock_000002743884xsmall2-300x238-8147292I’ll admit it, I really enjoyed the TLC documentary series “Sister Wives,” which recently aired its first season finale. For those who didn’t catch it, Sister Wives followed a polygamous Mormon family in Utah. Kody, the husband, had three current wives, over a dozen children with another on the way, and was courting a potential 4th wife with a few kids of her own to add into the family. While I didn’t always agree with their point of view, I did enjoy what seemed to be a well rounded and fair presentation of polygamy. I also found that so much of what they had to say about communication, trust, respect, and family echoes what I hear from the polyamourous community.

Now this family is under investigation for violating Utah’s bigamy law.1 The legal geek in me perked up when I heard this news. How can that be? Only one of pairing is legally married. And if this is something that this polygamist family in Utah is now dealing with, how might it also affect polyamorist groups? Could polyamory be illegal?

Bigamy is a third degree felony in Utah, punishable by up to five years in prison. It reads as follows: “A person is guilty of bigamy when, knowing he has a husband or wife or knowing the other person has a husband or wife, the person purports to marry another person or cohabits with another person.”2

So the fact that he is legally married to only one of these women may not help him, he called each one his wife and had a wedding ceremony with each, therefore he “purports to be married.”

He also lives with three of these four women. They share a large home, each wife with a separate living area. This could be considered cohabitation. Cohabitation is also pretty broad, would roommates violate this bigamy law? Based on the wording of the statute, I think the argument could be made.

This bigamy statute has been challenged in the Utah Supreme Court several times, on personal liberty, privacy, and religious freedom grounds, but has been upheld every time.3

After examining the law in Utah, I decided to look up what my own home state had to say about polygamy. Massachusetts also forbids multiple marriages, stating “whoever, having a former husband or wife living marries another person, or continues to cohabitate with a second husband or wife in the commonwealth shall be guilty of polygamy.”4 The way I read it, unlike Utah, the Massachusetts law requires a legal marriage, not merely purporting to be married.

But, there is another legal challenge to consider. In many states, there are laws that still prohibit adultery.5 This is of definite concern to polyamorus people. While I don’t think that it is likely that you will get arrested or prosecuted for committing adultery, could it get used against you in a divorce? Or while asking a judge for custody of your children? Maybe.

The family in Sister Wives took a gamble, knowing that being open about their lifestyle could cause a significant backlash. So do the many people who live openly in alternative lifestyles. So, while I don’t believe polyamory is illegal, there are some laws that could cause a poly family some complications. However, as more people are willing to step up and be open about their lives, the more common and acceptable these lifestyles may become hopefully causing a call to challenge these laws.

This article is presented for informational purposes only, it is not legal advice. If you have specific questions please consult an attorney in your jurisdiction.

1 – http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/39418047
2 – Utah Code Ann 76-7-101(1)
3 – See eg State v. Green, 99 P.3d 820 (Utah 2004), In re Steed, 131 P.3d 231 (Utah 2006), State v.
Holm, 137 P.3d 726 (Utah 2006)
4 – Mass Gen Laws. Ch. 272 s.15
5 – See eg. Utah Code Ann 76-7-103, Mass Gen Laws Ch. 272 s.

This article was originally posted November 6, 2010

His Annulment Makes Me Question My Religion

 Posted by on April 9, 2013
Apr 092013
 

istock_000014150786xsmall-300x199-4243047My ex-husband and I stood awkwardly together on the front porch making small talk when he came to pick up our daughter.

“I’m going to pursue an annulment,” he said, apropos of nothing. “I hope you cooperate.”

I stammered out an affirmative reply as my stomach lurched, and as soon as I was back in the safety of my house, I began to cry. It wasn’t the spiritual separation I dreaded. We will always have our daughter and be linked in that way, but that’s the only remaining tie as far as I’m concerned. The Catholic Church doesn’t recognize our physical separation of households or our legal divorce, however. No, the Church must conduct its own investigation for an annulment, and the idea of it makes me physically ill.

The fundamental problem I have with this is that the annulment process pits spouse against spouse just like the legal system does. This isn’t a gentle, touchy-feely therapy session where my ex and I can dialogue about where things went wrong. This is one partner giving evidence as to the fundamental lie or omission in the marriage, and the other must admit that the case against them is accurate in order to receive the annulment. When my ex said that he was seeking this, I was overwhelmed by the feelings of powerlessness and fear that I experienced before when we were separating. The difference now is that instead of using a lawyer to attack my sexual proclivities, he’s using our church.

The annulment panel doesn’t want to hear about the end of our relationship or why it fell apart. They don’t care that the man petitioning them sued for full custody and tried to leave me penniless. The Church wants us to go back to the beginning and find that one big thing that made everything wrong, so that in the Church’s eyes the marriage can be deemed null and void. I know exactly what my ex is going to say. He’s going to blame BDSM, and he’s going to accuse me of lying to him about it. Essentially everything that we created as a couple, aside from our child, will be judged invalid according to Church law because I enjoyed handcuffs and being spanked. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry about it. How can something as complex as a marriage be reduced to one wrong?

Forewarned is forearmed, so I began researching the annulment process. Although the specifics of the investigation and judgment vary depending on the Dioscese, the basic laws are universal. The Catholic website I found referenced this scripture as a basis for The Church’s doctrine on marriage: (from the Old Testament Book of Genesis) —At the beginning of creation God made them male and female: for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and the two shall become as one. They are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore let no man separate what God has joined— (Mark 10:6-9)

In the words of Father Joseph M. Champlin, rector of Immaculate Conception Cathedral in Syracuse, New York, “the complicated process of annulment then is a response to the strength of this teaching. The Church presumes that marriages are binding and lifelong. The annulment process helps to determine if something essential was missing from the couple’s relationship from the beginning that prevented the sacramental union that the couple promised to each other.”

In my opinion, it’s an excuse to give a divorced couple another reason for contention. My ex will claim that kink was the lie I was hiding, and just like that, it becomes a slanted back and forth of he said/she said. My ex is seeking the annulment which makes him the “victim,” and I’m the lying slut that’s supposed to agree. At least, that’s the scenario my fearful brain is creating. Without full disclosure of my sexual preferences when we were dating, the ex will prove that this lie nullified any bonds of matrimony. The panel will then ask for a list of people who will corroborate his story. I will be on trial yet again, this time from a panel of people from my own church community and whichever family and friends he uses as witnesses.

The kicker is that I didn’t know I was kinky when I met my ex. I knew I loved sex, and I adored sex that involved biting and spanking. Looking back I can plainly see the roots of the BDSM slave I am now, but at the time I was completely ignorant of kink. For heaven’s sakes, I didn’t even watch porn or own a vibrator.

I loved my ex passionately and with my whole heart. Yes, I had some racy sexual adventures before I met him, but I threw that all aside for the chance to settle down and be his wife. We hoped and dreamed for the same things, and we both wanted children. I was committed to our married life, and for nine years I poured everything I had into creating a stable, nurturing environment for the two of us. So much so that I lived in denial about my own sexual needs. I made the best life I could with a man who criticized my appearance and discounted my contributions to our marriage. If anyone wants to be angry about lying, it should be me. I lied to myself, and for years I told myself that divorcing him wasn’t an option because I was a good Catholic and a good wife.

Translated, my ex-husband’s version of “cooperating” means that I’ll agree with whatever sexual deviant charges he levels at me, and the mere thought of taking the fall for his easy-out of our marriage makes me furious. I won’t lie, not for him. Frankly, I think it’s immoral of the Church to demand that one spouse shoulder the blame in order to receive the couple’s annulment. I feel compelled to speak my truth, and at the same time, I resent my church for questioning and judging my life. In a place where I go for spiritual refuge and guidance, I’m going to have to bare my soul in ways that I fear will irrevocably change my relationship with Catholicism. I’m afraid that the peace I find in worshipping as a Catholic will be replaced by anger and mistrust of the dogma that rules Church policy. Part of me fantasizes about letting my freak flag fly and announcing to the world that I’m not afraid to be a kinky Catholic who is poly and “out there.” But I have my child to consider, and she needs protecting from the bullies and bigots of this world. Even when that bigot is her father.

The 1st Annual Feminist Porn Conference Draws Hundreds to University of Toronto

 Posted by on April 8, 2013
Apr 082013
 

academic-425x282-300x199-9242968TORONTO (April 8, 2013)—The First Annual Feminist Porn Conference was held at the University of Toronto on April 6, 2013 and drew nearly 250 attendees. This one-day conference brought together academics, cultural critics, performers, directors, producers, sex workers, activists, students, and fans to explore the emergence of feminist porn as a genre, industry, field of study, and movement. The event, the first ever conference devoted exclusively to feminist pornography, featured 45 different presenters from around the world.

Presenters included leading professors whose work spans multiple disciplines from history, sociology, film and media studies to comparative literature, sexuality studies, and feminist studies, including Kevin Heffernan from Southern Methodist University, Lynn Comella of University of Nevada-Las Vegas, Ariane Cruz of Pennsylvania State University, Jill Bakehorn of UC Davis and UC Berkeley, Nicholas Matte of University Toronto, Emily Nagoski from Smith College, and York University’s Bobby Noble as well as scholars from CUNY, UCLA, Northwestern, and Ohio University.

Several panels featured some of the most well-known producers and performers working in feminist porn today, including Jiz Lee, Courtney Trouble, Madison Young, Sinnamon Love, Kali Williams, Dylan Ryan, April Flores, Carlos Batts, Loree Erickson, James Darling, Carrie Gray, Tobi Hill-Meyer, Tina Horn, Arabelle Raphael, Quinn Cassidy, Jes Sachse, and Bianca Stone. The international conference drew presenters from around the world, including Liesbet Zikkenheimer and Marije Janssen from Dusk TV, an erotic TV channel for women in the Netherlands and Australian webmistress and director Ms. Naughty of ForTheGirls.com. Carol Queen, PhD, co-founder of the Center for Sex and Culture and Good Vibrations’ sexologist, spoke on two panels: “Conspicuous Consumption: If We Sell It, They Will Come,” about the connection between feminist porn and sex-positive retail stores and “Feminist Perspectives on Sexual Identity and Sexual Health in Educational and Feminist Porn.”

Award-winning filmmaker Shine Louise Houston of Pink and White Productions screened her documentary Shiny Jewels to a huge crowd. A screening of Lesbo Retro: A Dyke Porn Retrospective, a clip show of lesbian porn from 1960-2000, was followed by a question and answer session with its curator, Shar Rednour and special guest Nan Kinney, co-founder of On Our Backs and Fatale Media and recipient of the 2013 Trailblazer Award at The 8th Annual The Feminist Porn Awards on April 5.

The keynote was delivered by feminist pornographer Tristan Taormino and Professors Constance Penley and (both from University of California-Santa Barbara). As three of the four co-editors of The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure, recently published by The Feminist Press at CUNY, they discussed how feminist porn has shifted sexual representation and pondered what the future holds for feminist porn. “The goal of our book was to put academics and sex industry workers into conversation with one another to discuss critical issues about feminism, sexual media, representation, sexual agency, and labor. This conference took those conversations to the next level,” said Mireille Miller-Young. “We hope it mobilizes academics and sex industry workers to create coalitions to support each other’s work,” said Constance Penley.

“The event exceeded my expectations,” said Tristan Taormino, who produced the conference. “I was inspired by the diversity of voices from professors and students to performers and fans. The enthusiasm for dialogue about feminist porn issues was overwhelming, and I am already planning next year’s conference.”

The Feminist Porn Conference was sponsored by the Mark S. Bonham Centre for Sexual Diversity Studies, Good for Her, The Feminist Porn Awards, and The Feminist Press.

My Kink is Better Than Your Kink

 Posted by on April 7, 2013
Apr 072013
 

istock_000007281506xsmall-300x199-6409260Within our own minds, the thing that turns us on the most is sacred. For some of us in the kink community the high value we place on our personal kinky hot button can leave us feeling lonely in a crowd, bullied or even make us into bullies ourselves.

For this reason it’s really important to at least come to the understanding that while we’re entitled to think that our ultimate hot ideal is second to none, it doesn’t diminish anyone else’s turn on. So before you find yourself tweeting “OMG @otherguy it’s so disgusting that you put in your while you !” lets look at some ways not to fly off the handle.

Listen – If someone is sharing something with you that curls their toes hear them out. Even if you don’t share common ground, listening lets the other person know that you respect them. If you find yourself fast approaching a Squick Factor 11, it’s okay to interrupt but make sure it’s to say something positive like “Wow you are really passionate about this!”

Support – Even as you decline to learn more about a fetish or an activity let the person know you support their enjoyment of it. You can still set boundaries while supporting someone. “I’m glad you enjoy drinking the golden nectar of an asparagus eating partner but that’s really not for me. I hope the partner of your dreams is right around the corner.” OR “We can still be play partners in what we have in common, right after you gargle with this Listerine.”

Be Nice – Showing someone kindess doesn’t cost you a thing and as a rule, brings a huge return on investment. Someday, somehow, it will be you on the other side of this situation and you’ll want to be treated with dignity.

So what do you do when it is you being dogpiled or insulted for your passion?

Keep Calm – Flipping out will only further confirm to your detractors that you are “fucked up.” Hold your head up and politely acknowledge your difference of opinion.

Maintain Your Dignity – When someone bashes your kink to the point you feel hurt, stand up for yourself and be direct with the offender. Go one on one and calmly let them know “I’m sorry you don’t like what I like. You don’t have to, I respect that. I would appreciate respect of my preferences as well.” Bullies, even those who would not recognize their own behavior as bullying if it bit them on the ass, rarely fail to apologize when addressed directly. As with any other conflict, whining to the people who already agree with you only enables you to suffer in a more drawn out manner. People who cry “poor me” at every opportunity are never tolerated for long even by those who agree with their plight. This is not to be confused with discussing your kink and the difficulties you encounter with your peers to have a support network. Having supportive people in your corner means that they enable you to stand up for yourself, it does not mean that they enable you to be a doormat.

Even if you’ve never met someone else who shares your kink, you’re not alone in the world. Remember all of those nice people you listened to and supported even though you didn’t enjoy their kink? Those are the very people who have the potential to become your friends and supporters based on mutual respect. With these connections you can build a network that may lead to fulfilling your super hot fantasy.

Please note: “Kink” in the context of this article refers to acts that do not cause unwanted harm to ourselves or others and/or do not involve others who are not of age or otherwise incapable of consent.

It’s All Fun and Games… Until Someone Gets Infected

 Posted by on April 6, 2013
Apr 062013
 

istock_000000078094xsmall-300x199-2305579What kind of company markets itself with the line “Sex is Fun… Infection Isn’t?”

That would be us, JustGetTested™.

JustGetTested is a company created to offer fast, reliable, confidential and affordable STD testing.  And we do it online.

(We know: “Online blood testing?”  More about that later.)

Another part of what we do is to help shed some light on the fact that sexually transmitted diseases and infections are out there, in increasing numbers.  Last count was 19 billion new STD infections each year.  And there’s an estimate of 50,000 new cases of HIV annually.

Unfortunately, recent numbers show that less than half the people in the U.S. who should be tested for STDs and HIV do receive testing. This, despite the fact that new guidelines recently came out that everyone who’s to any degree sexually active should be tested for HIV at least once. That’s pretty much everyone.

Here’s the harsh reality: If you’re having sex, you’re at risk.  “Safe” is never 100%, and mistakes happen.

So there’s no reason that testing for STDs should be stigmatized, right?  And you certainly shouldn’t feel like you’re going to be penalized for enjoying sex.

But to a large extent there is a stigma. For some of us, the thought of talking to a doctor about STDs or waiting in clinic feels like exactly the wrong kind of punishment. Not to mention those nasty symptoms we tried so hard to ignore or explain away.

Whether there are symptoms of not – and often there are none, especially in women! – the earlier you know about STDs, the easier it is to treat them.  As a matter of fact, many infections will go away entirely… once you take action.

At JustGetTested, we feel that that more and more today, each of us needs to take our health into our own hands – to be aware of what’s going on with our bodies and actively involved in making healthcare decisions.

This means opening up our eyes to what could happen in our sexual relationships, and trusting ourselves and our partners to get tested for STDs as often as is necessary.

We’re here to make that simpler.

JustGetTested actively works to break down the barriers of STD testing by offering STD and HIV tests online at the lowest prices possible.

These are the same, professional tests you’d get through a doctor, but you don’t have to make any appointments or mess with insurance approvals. There’s no waiting in a doctor’s office or clinic, and no loss of privacy.

At JustGetTested, you order and pay for your test through our secure website, then visit a nearby lab to get your blood drawn. You get your results online in about 2-3 days. It’s that simple. And no stigma attached.

Then, you can get back to having fun.

“Breaking down barriers and empowering the individual is an important step in building trust within the healthcare world,” says JustGetTested Medical Director Edward Salko, DO.

“As a physician, I’m well aware that there are things patients would rather not discuss with their healthcare providers,” continues Dr. Salko. “As a matter of fact, there are a lot of things individuals may not even want to know about. Learning that they have an STD is probably high on that list.”

“But the truth is, what you don’t know can definitely hurt you. Information is your best friend when it comes to STDs,” Dr. Salko says. “Most are totally curable, and all are treatable.”

For more information and a full range of STD and HIV testing, visit www.JustGetTested.com

 

Any information provided by JustGetTested™ should not be interpreted as medical advice. It is our recommendation that you share all information with your healthcare provider to discuss how it relates to your own sexual health and wellness.

 

Multiple Identities = Multiple Forms of Oppression

 Posted by on April 4, 2013
Apr 042013
 

istock_000009311779small-425x243-300x171-4095369I’m part of the LGBTQ community. Sometimes it isn’t that great; I have less rights than many members of our society, I can be fired just for being queer in many states, and while hate crimes laws exist, it doesn’t prohibit bullying of folks like me, the stares, being yelled at and told I’m sinning, and so on.

But even with all that, I’m pretty lucky. I have privilege, even as a member of this oppressed community. I’m white – LGBTQ people of color, particularly women of color, and more so, trans women of color, have it much harder. Multiple identities that are consider minorities or that oppressed in our systems of oppression have a much harder time of it.

On that note, I’m also cisgender; for the most part, the sex that I was assigned at birth matches my gender. I was assigned female, and while I identify as a femme, that is still part of a woman gender. Trans folks, particularly trans women, also fall into communities that are more often refused basic services, like health care, are more often victims/survivors of violence/sexual assault, and in many cases, are not encouraged or even allowed to file reports with authorities because of their gender.

I have a home. My partner and I are both privileged enough to be employed. We don’t make a lot, particularly in comparison to others with our degrees, and we live paycheck to paycheck, but we have a roof over our heads, and a way to get good food, and internet so that we can connect. Queer folks (again, especially POC, PWD and trans folks) are disproportionately under paid, under employed, more likely to be fired for their identities, and are more likely to be without a home.

I am a person with disabilities. People with disabilities also tend to experience multiple oppressions; many places that are available and opened to traditionally able bodied queer folk are not accessible to people with limited mobility, including Centers, health clinics, events, non-profits, and more.

Just because you are LGBTQ does not mean that queer is your only identity, or that all queers experience the same types of systemic oppression. We all have privilege in one way or another, and it is important that we don’t get into victim mode, only recognizing our minority or oppressed identities, but also that we take a look at our privilege and look at how we can support other members of our community that are not getting basic needs met.

Yes, it would be nice if we could all be seen as equal members of society, and certainly, civil unions and same sex marriage will help with that. However, these rights and movements are not the most important for the LGBTQ community. First, we need to work on protecting members of our community from violence, make sure that all LGBTQ members have access to health care (1 in 4 members of the trans community has been DENIED basic health care), that we have programs to support all members of our community, and that we work together towards the system oppression of our society. Being queer is more than just holding hands at rallies and signing letters; it is working together to create change that provides for equality for ALL of our community, not just some.

This article was originally posted Apr 1, 2011

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