All Posts – Page 14 – Fearless Press

Understanding True Intimacy

Posted by Jason Hairston on April 2, 2013

Apr 022013

Many of us have been lead into believing intimacy is limited to the act of having sex alone. Ironically, our misunderstanding of intimacy has influenced the development of unfulfilled sex lives within our relationships. We base too much of our bonding on a physical aspect alone. Being fully present and sharing with our romantic partners, friends, family members and even total strangers can lead to an intimate scenario.

I can give you an example of how intimacy can be experienced in a non-sexual way with a total stranger from an experience I had in Asheville, North Carolina. A friend of mine invited me to come visit her in Asheville. I heard through the grapevine how there is a very spiritual community there and it sounded interesting, so I took her up on the offer.

During my visit, she took me to an event inside of a community hall where people danced freely in silence and meditated to new age music. I choose to meditate on the stage near one of the speakers. Suddenly, I noticed an attractive woman dancing near me craving my attention. It was her subtle way of trying to entice me to come dance with her.

Eventually, she came and sat right next to me to meditate. Soon a beautiful song with intense melodies began to fill the community hall. I gently grabbed her hand and we both closed our eyes, being fully present within the moment. When the song ended we bowed to each other and never uttered a single word, not even when the event was over. It was a perfect example of being intimate without any sexual expectations, a moment of pure unconditional love being shared. It was arguably one of the most beautiful moments in my life.

Sacred moments of intimacy are experienced when your heart is wide open and your mind is abandoned. Whenever this is experienced between you and another person, there is a mutual sharing of your unfiltered essence, which is pure love. It takes courage to be fully open in this way because you begin to experience yourself connecting with others outside of the comfort zone of your ego mind’s self identification.

Expressing to your partner from the depths of your soul with honesty and humility will lead to a sacred bonding. Within that space of sharing and caring is where intimacy is birthed. This bond will slowly develop a mutual craving that will naturally progress into a sexual intensity, which will lead to the realms of ecstasy.

The key to experiencing intimacy is creating a safe space for you and your partner to be fully open and honest and completely present with one another. Are you brave enough to be fully nude beyond the shedding of your clothes? If so, you are ready to take a dive deep into the world of true intimacy.

How Rope Helps Me Love My Curves

Posted by Heather Cole on March 30, 2013

Mar 302013

I’m considering a new Dominant these days, and he’s a fan of rope bondage. He’s converting me into a rope bunny, one body harness at a time. He has several bundles of rope dedicated specifically to use with me, and he’ll tell me in advance about the knots he’s studying. When we finally meet, we’re both anxious for him to try out his newfound knowledge.

I love stripping naked and standing before him, his hands positioning me where he needs me. I breathe the scent of him as he moves, soaking in the feeling of rope against my skin, his voice in my ear. The rope comes alive in his hands, and the knots he makes are beautiful. I now have a better understanding of the attraction to Japanese rope bondage art, kinbaku, or shibari to Westerners. Rope has also helped me see my own curves in an entirely new light.

Sir enjoys taking pictures of me in various predicaments, and I enjoy posing for them. It’s the exhibitionist in me that craves the attention as much as the writer within that wants to remember every single second of us being together. However, I rarely want to see the results of our photo sessions. When I look there are always bulges where I had wanted smoothness. And my ass never looks as good as I think it should.

Our last play date ended up with me in a ladder mummy tie which ran the length of my body, my arms and legs knotted snugly against my body. He had the foresight to tie me next to the bed, so he could push me over onto the mattress when he was done. A row of clothespins ran from one side of my breast to the other, nipple clams decorating the center of each nipple. He paused to snap a series of photos while I looked at the camera, feeling bemused and spacy.

As soon as sir returned home, he uploaded the pics to our shared folder. I saw the notification on my computer but didn’t open it. I spoke enthusiastically of the experience to my girlfriend and best friend, but I resisted looking at the pictures. Finally, late one night, I took a deep breath and opened the series of photos. Sir and I were texting at the time, and he admonished me for waiting so long. And that’s when I confessed that I felt reluctant seeing my naked body.

I’ve come a long way in healing my self-image, and kink has aided me. Rope is helping too, because as sir pointed out, no one looks smooth in rope. Shibari is more about the process of being tied, the feel of the rope and the modification of the person’s silhouette. Regardless of body type, there are bulges and mounds when one is tied with rope. The focus is on how the rope is applied, and the often uncomfortable forms and positions it takes. The art of Japanese bondage is in the journey, not the destination.

I look at my pictures with a different frame of mind now. I focus on the wonderful feelings of being at the center of sir’s attention, the willing canvas to his creative sadism. And I see how he lovingly crafted each knot to hold me, molding my flesh into a beautiful something that is solely his creature. Perhaps I haven’t reached a common standard of beauty acknowledged by the masses, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that I’m beautiful regardless.

Hidden Erotic Drawings

Posted by ErinFae on March 28, 2013

Mar 282013

You probably know Gustav Klimt. Even if you don’t recognize his name, you’ve definitely seen his iconic painting, The Kiss. Klimt (1862—1918) was a Symbolist painter from Austria and his more famous work is often reproduced: on umbrellas, journals, and cards to your mother. Best known for shining use of gold leaf and mosaic effects, you may have dismissed him as an artist for the mainstream. However, I ask you to take a look behind the gilded curtain.

Yes, Klimt is best known for these paintings of landscapes and decadently displayed individuals. What you may not know is that he also created erotic drawings, many of which depict women masturbating. Some drawings have the subject partially dressed: a facedown woman stares at the artist with her skirt hiked up revealing a perfect ass. Others depict women in the throes of orgasm: a maiden has her hand between her legs and her mouth is agape with self-pleasure. Not only are these women posed in erotic scenarios, the movement of the line on the page is also sensuous. The drawings evoke sexuality through the fervent nature in which they were created and this is evident by the marks on the page. The breadth of movement, the simultaneously frenetic and controlled lines suggest an erotic tremor and a glorious moment.

Klimt’s paintings still allude to the erotic, but it is masked. Art historians speculate that he used these drawings for studies to make his more socially-acceptable paintings but that he found ways to hide the more erotic aspects.

Like other artists of the era, his drawings and sketches were not intended for exhibition. These pieces were most likely created for Klimt’s own enjoyment and study. Klimt was known for his sexual proclivities and was no stranger to women; it is said that he fathered fourteen children during his lifetime. A sensual painter throughout all his work, Klimt was quoted as saying, “All art is erotic.” Today, many of these drawings can be found in private collections and museums. The Neue Galerie in New York City has a number of these pieces.

It is interesting to think about lesser known sexual works of Klimt and other artists. These pieces are not often displayed, and yet, they were an important part of forming the artists that so many know. The sexual and erotic in art are often kept hidden from the museum visitor, but it is vital to seek these private moments out. Not just for our own pleasure (after all, what sexually honest person cannot appreciate a woman in ecstasy?), but also to form greater appreciation for the pieces we can easily access. I know I can better appreciate the span of Klimt’s work knowing that he devoted his personal sketchbook to the erotic.

This article was originally posted Oct 30, 2010

Grieving my past “hotness”

Posted by Jallen Rix on March 25, 2013

Mar 252013

LGBT people have sacrificed a lot to be whole sexual beings. Often, we have had to go against the tide of peer pressure, cultural norms and religious traditions just to simply be honest and authentic people in terms of our sexuality. I think it is then particularly challenging for our community to come to grips with changes to said sexuality as we age. I most often hear from primarily gay men who say things like “What sex will be left if I can’t get hard anymore or if my prostate is removed?” “How will I want to have sex with my partner when he looks like an old man, yet I’m attracted to youthful men?” “How will I conceive myself as sexy at all, after all the work I’ve put into my body has faded?”

These are good questions and these are ones I have asked myself as well. Alas, no one is exempt from gradually (and not so gradually) losing control over the look and function of our bodies. Dwelling on the prospect of future and even present limitations can be depressing to be sure. Yet fixating on the “hotness” that once was can only emphasize what we don’t have now, sometimes preventing us from dealing realistically with our present situations. It is in this catch 22 scenario that a lot of us find ourselves unable to get beyond.

Consider this story from another time in my life: Up until my late thirty’s I was a full time musician. Music was my life. It was the clear goal and purpose of every waking day since I was a child. So when I chose to set music to the side to attend graduate school and become a sexologist, I knew it would be a change, but I never realized how emotional it would be. About six month into school, a friend asked me how my music was doing. Before I could articulate my thoughts, I began to cry and I could not stop – for hours. The flood of loss was so great, I felt like I had abandon a lifelong partner. I felt horrible, deeply depressed and it felt like it was all my fault. Furthermore, the grief felt as if there was no upside to the experience. I was mourning the death of music in my life and it was completely tragic – a death in every sense.

Although that’s how it felt, I realized in the depth of those emotions, it was not an utter end. Music would always be in my life. How would I ever not have a song humming through my brain? A friend reassured me that going through this grieving process was not just an end, but a stepping stone to something else. Only when I was able to embrace the feelings of loss and let go of what music once meant to me, would it then be free to transform into what music would be from now and into the future.

My friend was right. It was not the end of music in my life, and I can’t help but think that this letting go process can be applied to our sexuality too. Only when I let go of what my “hotness” once was can I allow my sexiness to transform into my next incarnation of “hotness.” And – Damn it! – within the parameters I am given, I can pretty much make it into whatever I want it to be.

Looking at this from yet a deeper angle, I suppose we do this “letting go thing” all the time. As the sun rises on another day we let go of the set of circumstances, events and happenings of the past day and begin the particular set of “whatever”s of our next day. Often times we do this effortlessly and without the need of going through a difficult set of 5 phases of grieving, or three steps of letting go, or ten hops, skips and a jump. We have somehow accepted that this is the nature of existing within the experience of time, and our lives are full, and free, and far beyond whatever we anticipated. Could we not grieve more in this manner?

My guess is that sometimes the grieving process is made far more stressful because we fear its darkness so much. There is a growing amount of evidence that shows the reason many people are depressed is not because they are only grieving life’s difficulties, but instead, they are resisting grieving life’s difficulties. We resist letting go, and resist and resist until the built up emotional pressure finally gives us no other choice but to release the pressure like a volcano. No wonder this seems so horrific. But the culprit of the stress is not emotion, but resistance. And think about all the energy that is expended and wasted just trying to resist all that emotion.

Still, letting go is not always easy. For those “letting go processes” that seem to carry more weight, the ones that truly seem more difficult, like letting go of the sexuality of my “youth,” I hope I can learn to accept and fully feel the changes effortlessly, not just because it’s more “healthy” than fighting it with all my resistance, but because I want to see unobstructed what transformation comes next. Indeed, grieving is not the end. I want to experience my sexy transformations with all the naturalness and freshness of each new day. I want to experience sex (whether solo or not) with all the presence and amazement as if I am the spirit of creation itself, making a sunrise that has never existed before and never will exist again. Amen!

Doing Gender

Posted by Erin McKelle on March 23, 2013

Mar 232013

Sex and gender are often used synonymously. However, they mean far from the same thing. Sex refers to your biological makeup as being a male or female that is determined by your external genitalia, gonads and chromosomes. Gender refers to the social meaning and identity that is formed and is complimentary (most often) to your sex.

Often times, we think of your biological sex as being an indicator of your attributes, qualities, interests and personality. We think of men as being usually aggressive, dominant, leaders while women are thought of as more subdued, creative, quiet mothers and homemakers. But is biology destiny? Does your sex really indicate what kind of person you are or are going to become?

The answers are conflicted and science has not come to a real conclusion on this. But the answer is clear that yes, socialization has a lot to do with how we construct and perform gender.

Gender is what we do and how we present ourselves to the world. We can see it in the sports we play, hair we shave, the way we walk, talk and dress. It’s a performance that we put on for the world to show everyone what our biological sex is and the deeper meaning of what that is to us as an individual. It’s a way of expressing yourself and with this comes the societal expectations about how you should do this. Society tells us how men and women are supposed to do gender and falling outside of these norms can have serious social and cultural consequences. Our gender norms dictate how we can and can’t behave and those that question and behave outside of the boundaries are often forced back into them.

Socialization plays a huge role in how we learn what these norms are and how we learn to construct gender. We learn what it means to be a boy and what is means to be a girl from our parents, peers, the media, schooling and more. It’s these influences that create and construct the concept of gender in our lives and it has real effects. Children as young as 18 months show preferences for gender specific toys and by age two know what their gender is as well as others; they can differentiate between boys and girls.

The media is one of the largest culprits of exploiting gender and reinforcing stereotypes about gender. Ever see children’s toy commercials? They are so divided into pink and blue, creating and decorating, thinking outside the box and being forced into it. For example, LEGO was a gender neutral toy for decades, but in recent years has released sets that are made exclusively for girls that feature pink bricks, pet salons and princesses.

Things like this encourage us to gender everything. Even worse, it sends messages to our children that gender is rigid while in reality it is fluid and complex. Doing gender shouldn’t force anyone into these boxes and it’s time we get rid of the box, since in reality, it wasn’t even there to begin with.

Renzetti, Claire, Curran, Daniel J., Maier, Shana L. Women Men and Society. Upper Saddle River: Pearson, 2012. Print.

The best word that comes to mind after my first South by Southwest is….whirlwind.

Posted by PrincessKali on March 20, 2013

Mar 202013

I had been preparing, worrying, thinking about the event for over 4 months, as soon as my presentation was accepted. Although I’ve been a BDSM speaker for almost 10 years, I’d never been so nervous! I’d always wanted to go to SXSW and now I’d be doing a presentation (for only 15 minutes, but still ;) so I wanted to make sure to do a really great job. An outstanding job. A memorable, gotta-ask-me-back job.

So for months I thought about what I wanted to talk about in those 15 minutes, which points I wanted to emphasize and what my goal was for the presentation. Thanks to the help & feedback of a couple of VERY great friends I kept working and re-working what I was going to say (and what I was going to wear, of course!) to make sure I was the best of my best.

I got into Austin a couple of days early to get a bit settled before the event started full blown and I’m really glad I did. As a presenter I had access to a hotel room right down town across from the convention center (which is anything but cheap) but I knew that if I wasn’t close I may be discouraged from checking everything out. One of the things I was surprised by is how casual everyone is from day to night. I had brought enough cocktail dresses for going out every night, but ended up staying in my jeans and slacks the whole time. So packing will be MUCH lighter next time!

Once the conference started, there was so many things going on, it was pretty hard to figure out what to do and when, not to mention where. The event essentially takes over all the hotels and conference space downtown so the hotels & convention center are pretty close, but my walking shoes came in very handy. I admit I didn’t take full advantage of the SXSW phone app, between having a new phone & not being good at that sort of thing, it was overly complicated for good-old-fashioned me. Thankfully there were paper schedules and descriptions so I could still find what I needed to.

With a half a dozen presentations regarding sexuality, all at the same time as the business presentations I needed to go to, those decisions were by far the hardest. Support and sticking together is a big part of progressing the sex-positive movement, but I realized the best thing I could do is think a bit more long term and learn how to improve my business so I can contribute more concretely to moving our community forward. Luckily Carol Queen organized one of her own readings towards the end of the event so we all got to meet up even without attending each others sessions.

I was very happy with how my presentation went, I had practiced a lot but still wanted to leave room for a bit of ad-libbing. I ran right on time, so the practicing (and power point slides) helped keep me on target. I don’t know if presenters have access to the audience feedback but I’m looking into it. During the presentation people laughed at the ‘right’ places, were keeping eye contact with me (surprising since almost everyone is usually glued to their smart-phones) and a few lively comments were made both during and after. It was a fantastic introduction to presenting at SXSW, so I’m already planning my submission for 2014.

The business sessions I went to were so incredibly helpful. I always have a question, so I made sure to speak up in every presentation. Especially because of the nature of my business I was hoping to get insights into how mainstream business thinkers might approach it and that’s exactly what I got. A few of my favorite moments from the presentations…

1) Being at the Google/Bing SEO discussion and having both top level execs get really engaged with my question about differentiating my sites from pornography. They were both so positive and encouraging (while acknowledging the “porn mountain” I’d have to climb to reach my goal) and gave me some insight into how to make the most of my search capabilities. Plus they mentioned Kink Academy like 4 other times during the discussion and during the swarm of people they answered after the ‘official’ session.

2) Meeting Violet Blue finally after the “Future of the Adult Industry” panel. I’ve admired her work for a long time and was pretty pleased when she said she’d been impressed by my sites and what I’ve been doing. It’s always nice to hear compliments from those that I respect.

3) The woman I met after the “Finding Funding as a Female” session who gave me about 20 minutes of concrete feedback on how to talk about my business in the mainstream and investing worlds. These direct suggestions completely changed my thinking and helped me see that I hadn’t adapted my ‘pitch’ from talking to ‘consumers’ to talking to media and possible backers.

4) Having a glass of wine and an hour long talk with a panelist who both gave me some suggestions about alternative avenues to help get the word out about my sites, but who I was also able to talk to about her thoughts regarding the ‘Fifty Shades’ phenomenon and how to improve her own sex life. Sharing specialties at its finest!

5) Running into the producers of the SXSW Interactive portion of the event in the elevator on the last night, introducing myself (not knowing who they were yet) and then hearing them say what positive feedback they had already heard about my presentation. Now that’s a whoo-hoo moment!

Now to what I learned from the experience…

1) As a business there is a HUGE opportunity for promotions, even without being a part of the official vending section. Guerrilla style marketing on the streets was part of the charm of being there and was certainly part of the spirit that makes SXSW a place for indie businesses to come and make a real impact, regardless of the budget available. I’m known for branding and never being without a Kink Academy or Passionate U sweater or postcards or rulers handy. Ironically I didn’t do this at SXSW. I always had business cards handy for one on one interactions, but I completely missed out on the attendee promotions. Next year there will be cheerleaders handing out rulers, awesome promoters talking up the sites and fun posters to promote hot sex ed. Oh yeah…

2) During my presentation, I wish I had added the designated hash tag #realkink to every single page of my power point. A friend who attended said that there weren’t many live-tweets because everyone was engaged while I was speaking, but I should have made it easier to further the conversation to those online. I also wish I had planned ahead more to video-tape the whole presentation. The same (fantastic) friend did a great job recording what she could, but it could’ve been better with more fore-thinking on my part.

4) Socialize earlier in the evening. I don’t know where everyone went (probably to the ‘after parties’ I’ve heard about but didn’t seek out) but the corporate sponsored events were done by 7:30ish. It’s less focused on networking, but certainly, every moment for every SXSW attendee is a chance for networking.

5) With my badge I had access to both the Interactive conference and the film showings. I didn’t take advantage of the film showings almost at all. I am super glad I made it to the premier of “Sexing The Transman” which focused on Buck Angel and his wife Elayne Angel. It was moving and had a number of universal messages, including ones of hope and self-acceptance. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should.

6) As I mentioned earlier, there’s no need to pack any fancy clothing or high heels. It’s a tech and ‘casual professional’ crowd so keeping clothing low-key and comfortable is important. Somewhere between the sweatpants (revolution) I’ve been sporting for awhile and hipster style.

7) I do wish I had done a bit more planning in terms of which sessions I wanted to attend before I actually gotten there. It wasn’t a huge problem and I didn’t get caught in any lines for what I really wanted to see. But I made a point to arrive early so I wouldn’t be turned away at the door. I think I could have been more efficient and attended more sessions, but I still consider the schedule I ended up with a success.

8) Even though I think I can be more efficient attending sessions, I want to make sure to leave time for that ‘hallway serendipity’ they talk about, because it totally happens. Almost everyone I met, both attending and those that helped run the event were friendly & helpful and a pleasure to talk with. I made some unexpected professional connections and spent more quality time with those connections rather than rushing off to get to a class.

All in all I am so super glad to have been accepted and been part of the SXSWi 2013 experience. I already can’t wait to go back!

This was originally posted on CoachingByKali.com

Is BDSM a Matter of Sexual Orientation?

Posted by Sea on March 17, 2013

Mar 172013

William Saletan argues on slate.com that BDSM is not a sexual orientation. Dan Savage agrees (Dan would likely want me to clarify that he doesn’t agree with much else that Saletan says on this matter in case you don’t click on the link to Dan’s article). Let’s take a look at this question, shall we? Let’s start by looking at arguments offered for why BDSM is not a matter of sexual orientation.

Evaluating Arguments: Definition of sexual orientation refers to attraction based on sex and gender

The medical dictionary at thefreedictionary.com gives the following definition:

The direction of one’s sexual interest toward members of the same, opposite, or both sexes, especially a direction seen to be dictated by physiologic rather than sociologic forces. Replaces sexual preference in most contemporary uses.

Based on this definition Saletan and Savage would appear to be correct. Matter resolved, right? Not quite. Dan may be a god but he is not the Christian God and, therefore, I can say with authority that his word is not the bible!

A common issue I encounter in BDSM is that we have a limited vocabulary available to us. Many definitions in the dictionary do not yet account for BDSM. Thus, citing dictionary definitions does not adequately treat the matter.

Evaluating APA Definition

Here is what the American Psychological Association (APA) says about sexual orientation beyond attraction based on sex of a partner (emphasis added is mine):

APA: Sexual orientation refers to an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to men, women, or both sexes. Sexual orientation also refers to a person’s sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviors, and membership in a community of others who share those attractions.

APA: Sexual orientation is commonly discussed as if it were solely a characteristic of an individual, like biological sex, gender identity, or age. This perspective is incomplete because sexual orientation is defined in terms of relationships with others. People express their sexual orientation through behaviors with others, including such simple actions as holding hands or kissing.

This definition goes deeper than that given by the dictionary and the bold text makes a case that BDSM could be described as a sexual orientation.

Sexual orientation and sexual identity are two related terms and there is as much universal agreement¹ regarding the meaning of two as there is about the definition of submissive. Indeed both terms are defined and discussed in the context of homosexuality, bisexuality, heterosexuality, or asexuality (HBHA) but qualitatively they seem to also encompass BDSM. For example, why mention related behaviors and membership in a community (in the APA definition) if all that determines orientation is to which sex you are attracted—why not just leave it at attraction? If related behaviors and membership in a community are relevant HBHA then why are they not relevant when we speak of BDSM? Is directing the definition at HBHA for a specific reason, or is it arbitrary and the definition is directed at HBHA because that has been the primary focus for such attention (just like marriage was initially directed at heterosexual couples since that was the primary focus for such attention until we realized that the term was also needed by same sex couples)?

I identify as a man who enjoys the submissive role in BDSM—this point is a key part of my identity. When I am emotionally, romantically, and sexually attracted to a woman, I want to engage in submissive expressions of BDSM with her just like I want to engage in more conventional expressions like holding hands. It is not a choice to add variety to what I do and instead is an essential component of my relationship expression. My sexual wants and fantasies have always been based on submission to women.

This response is consistent with APA’s definition above. My sexual orientation (the text that follows comes from the APA definition) refers to my sense of identity based on my attraction to women and related behaviors, and my membership in a community of others who share those attractions [and behaviors]. My sexual orientation is defined in terms of relationships with others. I express this sexual orientation through behaviors with others, including simple actions as holding hands or kissing feet (ha!) or various expressions of submission.

Thus, my sexual orientation has two components: (1) heterosexuality, and (2) submission.

For some people BDSM is not an essential component to their relationship expression. As I indicate when I refer to KinSea scales, I see matters of sexuality to exist as continuums and there exists a continuum to describe an interest in BDSM. Just as someone who only occasionally engages in homosexual activity is covered by the continuum that describes preference for sex of partner, a person who occasionally engages in BDSM is covered by the continuum that describes an interest in BDSM. I see these various continuums to superimpose to define sexuality, sexual identity, and sexual orientation.

Sexuality and Sexual Orientation is Complex

How would you describe a woman who identifies as a lesbian and has:

Emotional relationships exclusively with women but will occasionally have a sexual encounter with a man?
Emotional and sexual relationship with a person who has feminine energy but male sex and gender?
Sexual relationship with a woman who has masculine energy?

What about a genderfluid or androgynous person who is attracted only to others who are similar? This complexity of sexual orientation increases when we bring BDSM into the picture. How would you describe a woman who chooses women for emotional and sexual intimacy but likes to dominantly use a strap-on on men?

Truth is diversity in human sexuality and identity makes sexual orientation too complex to be defined simply by the dictionary definitions given at top, or even by the second dimension I suggest when I describe my sexual orientation.

Evaluating Arguments: BDSM is a lifestyle or preference.

Some people suggest using the terms lifestyle or preference to refer to a want for BDSM. It is not a lifestyle or preference for me. It is not something that I came upon as a good way to live but something that is intrinsic to my identity and has been since early childhood—when my vision of the ideal lifestyle was based on action figures and toys! If you think lifestyle is an adequate term to describe an aspect intrinsic to identity, why is the term orientation needed at all? Why not just say some people live the heterosexual lifestyle and some people live the homosexual lifestyle and so on?

Sexual preference was abandoned in favor of sexual orientation to describe HBHA to emphasize that it is not a choice but how one is wired. The same is true for me for BDSM.

Evaluating Arguments: BDSM is what you do, orientation is what you are

Sexual behavior is what you do. Your orientation is how you identify and what you are. A gay man is not gay because he has sex with other men; he has sex with other men because he is gay.

BDSM activities are what I do as sexual behavior. Orientation is what you are and submissive is what I am. I don’t identify as a submissive because I do BDSM, but instead I do BDSM because I identify as a submissive.

Evaluating Arguments: Homosexuality is an orientation because you can’t hide it easily but submission is not because you can hide it easily.

You can indeed hide homosexuality—ask people who for decades hid their homosexual identity and people who still do hide it. Indeed it is much harder to hide a homosexual identity than a BDSM identity.

If orientation is defined only by whether you can hide it, why is heterosexuality or bisexuality considered an orientation?

And if orientation is determined by whether you need to hide it, then what about homosexual persons who are single? Are they of homosexual orientation only when they are partnered and when the question about whether they need to hide their relationship arises?

A minority sexual orientation is not about whether you can hide your sexual behavior—it is about whether you feel a need to hide how you identify for sexual behavior. It is about how you identify, and whether you can be accepted for your identity.

Evaluating Arguments: People don’t have to know or see what you do so why the need to share that you have a BDSM orientation?

The question about which behavior can be done publicly is determined by norms for propriety for that setting. It would be odd for a BDSM couple to do a spanking at an office party, just as it would be odd for a non-BDSM couple to have oral sex at the office party. But if it is a party where sex is being had publicly by different orientations then so what if my partner puts clothespins on my nipples?

This argument runs parallel to the hiding argument; according to it, a single gay person has no reason to reveal or be open about their identity, which is incorrect and breaks this argument.

A gay couple doesn’t need to give a blow by blow account of who blew who and those into BDSM don’t need to have a photo at work showing their butterfly board (ask Salestan what it is if you don’t know) in action. Instead what each hopes for is to simply be able to say how they identify and be accepted for it.

Evaluating Arguments: Heterosexual kinky people enjoy heterosexual privilege and cannot know what it is like for queer people, and heterosexual BDSM people should not use the term sexual orientation to describe how they relate to BDSM because it would be disrespectful to queer people.

Sexual orientation includes heterosexuality—it is not a term used only by queer sexual orientations and, so, to use the term is not to commandeer a term that is otherwise used by them. And use of sexual orientation to describe BDSM is not limited to heterosexual people—it encompasses all into BDSM including those who also identify as queer.

Why the want to use sexual orientation to describe BDSM?

Imagine a time in which there was no terminology to differentiate between HBHA sexual orientations. Why was there ever a need to define heterosexuality and homosexuality as two sexual orientations? And why was there a need to add bisexuality to the mix, followed by describing this facet of orientation as a continuum? What reason led us to coin these terms, and what benefit do they bring today?

Words give form to thoughts and communicate ideas. And so these words and terms give form to thoughts that allow one to communicate their identity. This communication helps us understand and be understood for matters that relate to identity, commonality, and compatibility.

Whatever information or benefit is had by using HBHA to describe sexual orientation also applies to BDSM—it provides a way to communicate and better understand a person’s identity and with whom they share commonality and compatibility. The three (or 4 in some cases) choices for sexual orientation given by the dictionary definition are not enough to describe the complexity of sexual orientations. Language evolves when we expand our vocabulary or broaden our definitions because we find existing words lacking. If sexual orientation refers only to HBHA then we need to either broaden the definition of sexual orientation or coin new terms.

Let’s examine the word orientation. Definitions at thefreedictionary.com include:

A tendency of thought; a general inclination: a Marxist orientation.

Basic beliefs or preferences (sexual orientation)

Thus, sexual orientation can be used to describe the general sexual inclination and preferences. There is no reason this inclination has to be limited to describing to which sexes or genders one is attracted. Using this term to also refer to an inclination for BDSM makes literal sense.

I’ve made a case for why a term for BDSM is a matter of identity and orientation and why using sexual orientation to encompass BDSM makes sense. If you have an issue with this term, I’d love to hear your case. If you’ve got a better term, terrific! I’ll call it sexual banana if you can convince me that that’s the term that makes sense. But then give me that better term.

¹The three credible sources below do not agree on the use of sexual orientation and sexual identity.

From chapter Sexual Identity as a Universal Process in book Handbook of Identity Theory and Research:

A number of scholars have argued that sexual identity would be more reliably accessed, and validly represented, if it were disentangled from sexual orientation (e.g. Chung and Katayama, 1996; Drescher, 1998a, 1998b; Drescher, Stein, and Byne, 2005; Rust, 2003; Stein, 1999; Worthington et al., 2002). Our conceptualization of sexual orientation refers to an individual’s patterns of sexual, romantic, and affectional arousal and desire for other persons based on those persons’ gender and sex characteristics [American Psychological Association (APA) Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation, 2009]. Sexual orientation is linked with individual physiological drives that are beyond conscious choice and that involve strong emotional feelings (e.g. falling in love). Sexual orientation identity is what we term the individual’s conscious acknowledgement and internalization of sexual orientation.

We conceptualize sexual orientation identity as subsuming sexual orientation.

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From Article listed below:

Sexuality includes intimacy, eroticism, sexual activities, one‘s communication of sexuality (e.g., sexual behaviors and self (expression), and the characteristics of an individual one finds sexually attractive (Gilbert & Scher, 1999). Sexual identity is a subjective and individualized pattern of sexual arousal, desire, fantasies and response to cultural norms (Parson, 1985).

Article: Haizlip Breyan N. (2011), A Qualitative Examination of the Heterosexual Influence on the Counseling Process. International Journal of Humanities and Social Science. 16, 47-55.

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From a [glossary][http://feminism.eserver.org/sexual-gender-identity.txt] provided by Feminism and Women’s Studies website created by members of Carnegie Mellon University Women’s Center:

Sexual Identity: How one thinks of oneself, in terms of being significantly attracted to members of the same or the other sex. Based on one’s internal experience, as opposed to which gender one’s actual sexual partners belong to. (See sexual orientation/preference.).

Sexual Orientation/Preference: How one thinks of her/himself, in terms of being significantly attracted to members the same or the other sex. Sexual orientation emphasizes that some people feel that one has no control or influence over the development of one’s sexual and romantic attractions or one’s sexual orientation. Sexual preference emphasizes that some people feel that one does or should have some control or influence over the development of one’s sexual and romantic attractions or sexual one’s orientation.

“High Shine” Kickstarter Countdown

Posted by GuestWriter on March 14, 2013

Mar 142013

This April marks a special anniversary of the International Ms Bootblack Contest and as part of the celebration we are creating a documentary about bootblacking, women bootblacks and the IMsBB Contest.

The “High Shine: 15 Years of International Ms Bootblack” Kickstarter is down to an hourly countdown–it ends 8:59pm SATURDAY (PST)

Every dollar counts…all additional funds we raise past the original Kickstarter goal will go toward paying for post-production editing. To those who’ve given: thank you SO much! Please consider asking your family, friends and fellow members of your clubs & organizations to help, too.

Please repost this announcement to your timelines and feeds and in any groups where it would be appropriate and welcome. Won’t you please help us tell the story of these incredible members of our community.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/imsl/high-shine-15-years-of-international-ms-bootblack

As a special bonus check out how the first International Ms Bootblack Winner’s Circle looked back in 1999 when Leslie Anderson won the title? Just click on the link here and watch the film placed in our “High Shine: 15 Years of International Ms Bootblack” Kickstarter page.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/imsl/high-shine-15-years-of-international-ms-bootblack/posts/424805

Thanks again to everyone who has already pledged and shared to help us make a film that will honor the bootblacks who are the heart and soul of our community. For more information and to register to attend the 15th Annual International Ms Bootblack Contest Celebration visit http://www.IMsL.org

Fess Up When You Fuck Up: Being Overly Attached To The Outcome

Posted by PrincessKali on March 13, 2013

Mar 132013

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What to Do when you make a mistake

During one particular performance in the last couple of years I was too attached to the outcome of a scene/performance that I acted in a way that I’m not terribly proud of. It’s difficult to admit to mistakes, especially when perfectionism is something of struggle, but I think it’s important to talk about times when things don’t go as planned. It’s the best way to make sure that unsafe behavior doesn’t happen again. It’s human to make mistakes, it’s enlightened to try and learn from them.

Going into Iron Slut (run by the oh so fabulous Reid Mihalko) I wasn’t sure exactly what I was getting into. Most of the other people who had participated in it before that I knew were sex performers, while I am someone who expresses sex through kink. I wanted to make sure that the audience understood (and would still be satisfied) even if I didn’t perform a traditional sex act on stage.

Trying to think of a way to “wow” the crowd while respecting my own boundaries, I came up with the idea to use a newly acquired (well, still acquiring) skill of double single tail whips while popping a couple of balloons off a rubber banded dick. Like a kinky circus act. Fantastically fun idea, however it arrived a tad to late for me to actually practice before heading to the event.

I’m confident in my whipping skills, though the double aspect is rather new. I assumed that I would be able to figure it out on the spot (I tend to be fairly good at that).

But when the time came I was dangerously distracted. I can get very single-minded about goals, which is helpful when running a business & detrimental when dealing with a rather sensitive interaction with another human being.

I started off slowly, showing that whipping can be soft and sensual, not just hard and cruel. The balloons were bouncing, everyone was laughing and as I put more and more power into throwing the whips, while not getting the response I wanted (for the balloons to pop) my competitive side came out and in this case is wasn’t good.

Popping the balloons became my entire focus, rather than engaging the audience (who had paid to come to an educational experience) or ensuring the complete safety of my demo model. At the end of my desmonstration, popping those balloons became paramount, even above safety. I was determined to pop that second balloon. My swings started to get wilder and with more force behind them. I did the exact thing that I always warn against in my classes, which is swing from the shoulder for the mere strength of it. Because when you do that, your aim suffers. The human person that I was playing with faded into the background of my mind, and my need to pop the balloon (and therefore complete the task I had set for my performance) was all that was in my focus. As a result, a few stray strikes hit his skin in places that I would usually go to great lengths to avoid.

I’m grateful that I was playing with a really wonderful demo model, someone I’ve known for almost a decade and who trusted my skills. I am grateful that he stood like a rock while I attacked that defiant balloon, and I’m grateful that the audience safe-worded on me to help shake me out of the need of completion. I most especially grateful that he was not actually ‘hurt’ in any way due to my mistaken mindset.

I take the safety of the submissives that I play with very seriously. But I am human, and even though I’ve been doing this full time, for a very long time, I still make mistakes. Ultimately it was not an overly dangerous mistake and the lightly marked demo model felt entirely fine about it. But it was an intensely important reminder for me not to EVER lose focus on the person that I’m playing with, even when there’s a performance aspect of it. And the lesson I hope to share, whether you act out your fantasies at public dungeons or in the privacy of your own homes…. is that dominants & tops need to always be vigilant to be worthy of the trust that is placed in us. Don’t get so attached to the outcome of a scene that you lose track of the journey and of the safety of those that are a part of our fantasies and experiences.

This was first posted at CoachingByKali.com

New Hair for a New Phase

Posted by Heather Cole on March 11, 2013

Mar 112013

I have always tinkered with my hair style and color. My very first haircut was at my mother’s hands and was a chin-length bob. As soon I was old enough to form an opinion, I stubbornly refused another haircut until my father offered to buy the biggest, plushest unicorn in the toy store if I’d cut it again. I grudgingly permitted two inches off the ends and still collected my unicorn, thank you very much.

I had my first perm reminiscent of TJ Hooker in the early 80’s, and my first spiral perm in the late 80’s. Do y’all remember the work that went into those things? Dear God Almighty, I swear I spent most of the decade in the stylist’s chair. Hair scrunchy anyone?

I highlighted my hair for the first time in college and have been coloring it ever since. In fact, it has been changing for so long that I can’t remember my natural hair color. In the 90’s I got the Rachel ‘do made popular by the TV sitcom, Friends, and looked like every one of my girlfriends as we climbed our way up the corporate ladder. OK, I conquered the executive admin pool and made those girls my bitches, but I did so with excellent hair. Then at the end of that decade, on the cusp of ’00, I fell in love. Falling in love wasn’t anything new, it was deciding that he was marriage material that was new. New and stupid, I would realize later, but this new phase ushered in a new hairdo. I grew it long and decided it was super romantic to have hair blowing around my head like a maniac octopus, encouraged by my fiancé’s opinion that women looked more attractive with longer tresses.

My hair was long for our wedding and pinned in a sweeping up ‘do, crowned by a tiara. It took me over an hour to pull out all the bobby pins in the hotel, my new husband having decided that it was too complex for his manly mind to navigate. Between the shellac of hairspray and the complicated construction of pins and tiara, my hair was a bonified situation. It was also a huge lady boner killer. By the time I had extricated my hair, I was almost too tired to have sex. Almost!

I kept my romantic octopus hair for another year. I remember the next haircut clearly, because I was feeling disillusioned with marriage. It was hard! And the man I had married wasn’t who I thought he was, and I wasn’t really the girl he thought he had married but I wasn’t about to tell him that. My new job required that I worked weekends and holidays which meant more time away from my husband, and a flirtation at the office had my mind turning over ideas that were decidedly against the vows of matrimony. I was a mess, but I held absolute control over one aspect of my life: my hair.

Sitting in the stylist’s chair, I was absolutely certain that cutting my hair so that it barely touched my jawline was the best idea ever. I also asked that it be dyed Koolaid red. Not the official name of the color, but that was the effect. My certainty evaporated the second I saw my husband’s expression. We had our first major fight complete with yelling, and he slept that night (voluntarily) on the couch. His words, “you look like a stranger,” were prophetic. I just didn’t know it at the time.

Years passed and the disastrous hairdo grew out. I went back to long and blond and cut off the flirtation. I also got down to the business of birthing babies. Well, one baby, and she was the best thing that happened to us. My hair length was cut to the modest length of my shoulders and the color gradually turned more auburn. My baby grew and we moved out of state, and despite my decent haircut, everything finally fell apart.

Last week I was gazing at my reflection, taking stock of the length of my hair. It was the longest it had ever been, even pre-marriage. It was also red, a strawberry blond-esque color that my stylist custom mixes. I loved the color, and it was the most recent change since I left my now ex-husband. The length though… I realized that I had this same hair during the disintegration of my marriage, the resulting explosion of a custody battle and divorce, the pain, anger and grief that encompassed all of it. Suddenly I hated every inch of it. Like a lodestone around my neck, I wanted it gone. It was no longer me; it had become an awful representation of the terrified, powerless person I was. Dramatic, I know, but the feeling was visceral.

I cut it. Not all of it, because I think I would make an ugly bald woman, but I sat in the chair and encouraged my stylist to cut more off. Inch by inch the length crept up to my chin. I stared in amazement at the mass of hair on the floor. There was my past, swept up in a pile to be thrown in the trash bin. There was a relief and sadness, and I was grateful for both.

I’m not certain if I’m going to keep this cut or for how long. My girlfriend and boyfriends have been generous with their compliments. In fact, just last night two of them were talking about making me wear pigtails and using them to tie me to the bed. “Handlebars,” one of them said. I’m learning that there are definite perks to this new ‘do. But sometimes I catch my reflection and wonder at the woman gazing back at me. Who is she now? I suppose only time is going to tell.

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