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How Our Gendered Childhoods Shape Ourselves

Posted by Erin McKelle on November 12, 2013

Nov 122013

Have you ever considered how our societies messages about gender perpetuate gender roles and stereotypes in our children? Because there is definitely a huge intersection between how we perform gender and relate to and the culture and our exposure to gender as children.

Gender Through Socialization

Look around at any toy store: you’ll probably see some isles with gender neutral toys and probably twice as many isles that either decked out in action figures, video games and G.I. Joes or isles that are saturated in pink, princess attire and Barbie dolls. Unfortunately, toys are becoming increasingly more gendered and even previously gender-neutral toys are being made into separate boy and girl packages- usually the girl’s involves pink and some type of beauty or fashion theme.

Take LEGO, for example. When LEGO was first released in 1932 and it’s product was not gender-exclusive. Take a look at this set, one of the originals:

You can see that it’s not a toy specifically designed for boys or girls- it’s not at all gendered. Boys and girls were also featured in the advertisements, playing together with LEGO’s.

It wasn’t until the 1970’s that LEGO started to market their sets according to gender. This picture shows a LEGO set from the 70’s with two girls and they are using one of their Homemaker Sets.

Do you think a boy would play with this set? Yeah, probably not.

This pattern has continued all the way to the present day. Luckily, activists view this gendering as problematic and are taking action against it. About two years ago SPARK, an organization for girl activists fighting against sexualization, took on LEGO and challenged them to change their gender representations, specifically with their LEGO Friends set, which included a beauty shop and LEGO figures. Things have improved a little, but the outlook is still grim.

Does this impact how we are taught to see ourselves? Absolutely. When we’re children, were learning about the world and how it works. When were told all of these things about our gender, and ourselves it’s only natural that we then take on those roles and points of view.

Even thinking about gender and clothing: everything in most stores is either blue or pink and it’s very hard to find any in-between. The second you find out the biological sex of your child, you are probably inundated with onesies, diapers, hats and shoes that are either blue, sports-related or designed to look macho or pink, shopping-related or designed to look girly.

There is plenty of evidence that children are treated differently according to their assigned gender from the time they are born.

For example, research has shown that mothers are more likely to ignore their crying baby boys than their baby girls and respond more quickly to cries from their baby girls. Possible reasons for this? Were taught that boys are tougher and stronger than girls and need to be able to tolerate pain, so mothers have probably subconsciously internalized this and thus respond differently to their babies cries according to their assigned gender (even though they probably have no idea they are doing this).

Also, parents tend to take different gendered approaches to what they allow their children to do. For example, parents are more likely to allow their boys to try new things and also more likely to use caution with their girls and worry about their safety.

This can even lead to real consequences in the form of a self-fulfilling prophecy, for instance, one study asked mother’s to estimate their 11-month-olds ability to crawl. Although baby girls and boys showed to no significant difference in crawling ability, but mothers grossly underestimated the abilities of baby girls, while their estimation of the ability of the their baby boys was close to their actual ability.

This probably comes from the stereotype that boys are stronger and more physically capable than girls. But, do you see how this underestimation could cause parents to underestimate their girl’s real abilities in physical performance later on in life? How it could lead to them not being as encouraging of their daughter’s to pursue sports? Coupled with parents being more cautious with girls, how it could lead to limited opportunities in this arena, when they could have just as much talent?

Gender biases have real consequences for us as children. The gender roles that we are taught to ascribe to and the ways, in which our parents raise us, are rooted in our assigned genders. The toys were given, the ways our parents relate to us and clothes we wear all will help us shape our own self-concept, as well as shape the concept of boy/girl that we use throughout childhood and life. There are solutions though. One of these is gender-neutral parenting, in which you let children be exposed to a myriad of gender possibilities. The important thing is that certain roles and ideas aren’t assigned to them because of their gender and they get to decide their gender for themselves (which they will do anyway, but usually the roles are already ingrained in them. If you want to learn more, check out this book on Gender-Neutral Parenting and share these ideas with friends and family-perhaps even consider raising your own children (or future children) this way!

Gender is a fluid. And it’s a choice. It’s also something we are taught to use a social tool to help us organize and understand the world. But, gender biases and sexism are also real things that come from this gendering. Remember this and consider the ideas you hold about gender and never stop questioning them!

Types of “Daddies” – Exploring Age Play Archetypes, part two, by Daddy Vinnie

Posted by Daddy Vinnie & Lolita Hayes on November 10, 2013

Nov 102013

Types of “Daddies” – Exploring Age Play Archetypes, part two, by Daddy Vinnie

Last month, we focused on types of “Littles.” This month, we explore types of Daddies in a Daddy Dominant/little girl (DD/lg) dynamic, a consensual adult relationship.

Just as there are more than 7 billion individuals on this Earth, there is no one type of Daddy Dominant. Daddy Dominants can be any age, sexual orientation, gender, nationality, religion, body type, and whatever other attribute is applicable. I’ve met female Daddies who wear police uniforms and have grown women as “Littles.” I’ve met older “Butch” Daddies, self-proclaimed leather dykes who have women Littles. I’ve met young teenage boys, freshly 18 and 19, who are their Little’s Daddies and who are several years younger than their high-school sweetheart or college girlfriend “Littles.” I’ve met stern Masters in Master/slave (M/s) relationships who have softer “Daddy” sides. And I’ve met traditional Daddies, middle-aged men, both gay and straight, who have Littles close to their own age or who are Daddies to much younger Littles.

* * * * * * * * *

“Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Daddy.”

* * * * * * * * *

What is a Daddy Dom?

Parent / Caregiver: A Daddy Dom serves the role of parent or caregiver, with all that that entails. He sets boundaries, decides on rules such as how much television his Little can watch or whether she gets dessert after dinner. He protects her, takes care of her when she’s sick, provides for her well being, sees that she has the basic necessities of life. Whether she does something exemplary or makes a grave mistake, a Daddy is there for his Little, to celebrate her triumphs with her and to lead her back to a more sensible path. Like a parent, he loves her unconditionally.

Mentor: A Daddy Dom teaches his Little about the world, the good and bad, right from wrong. He is her chief mentor and guide. He answers her questions: Why is the sky blue? Where do bugs come from? He guides her to see the world in the uniquely glorious way that she does. Rather than create a mini-me, he accepts her for who she is and encourages her to be the best Little that she can be. When so-called real life intrudes, that of her adult side, he doesn’t stop being Daddy. He helps her gain perspective, guiding her to accept and meet the challenges of her world. She relies on him for his wisdom and the fact that he will not steer her wrong.

Protector: Daddy is his Little’s protector. When the harsh world intrudes, he is there with his sword and shield. When she senses monsters, he checks under her bed, looks inside the closet, and makes sure the night light is working. And then he tucks her in with a squeeze of the hand and a kiss upon her forehead. He is her undisputed champion, her Lancelot, her Prince Charming.

Disciplinarian: Daddy’s word is final. When his Little errs, he must enforce established rules and boundaries. If standing in the corner, writing sentences, or a spanking is deemed appropriate, he must embrace his role for the betterment of his charge. The phrase “this will hurt you more than it hurts me” (yes, that’s right) will no doubt be a regular staple of his conversation. But he must endure, for both their sakes.

What is a Daddy Dom like?

Kind: Above all, a Daddy Dom is kind. He exudes politeness, that quiet strength that all will be well. He is consistent in his love for her, in his kind wisdom, and in his gentle demeanor. He is understanding of her moods, her excitement one moment, her sullen pout the next. He accepts her with grace, knowing how difficult she has it being a Little in this tough world, facing potential judgment for being different.

Playful: A Daddy Dom likes to play as much as his Little. He indulges in his creative side with her. He plays I-spy while waiting in long lines. He takes her to the park and pushes her on the swing. He draws pictures with her. And under the covers at night, he tells spooky ghost stories. Sometimes he even tells adult-type stories to make her all tingly and warm. A Daddy is a great story-teller.

Patient: A Daddy Dom is patient. A Little can be a handful. She is excitable and exuberant one second, relishing in her child-like wonder. The next moment she may be worried about an upcoming adult meeting. Then she may be sullen and cross. And then there’s the almost omnipresent brat, that terrible teenaged temptress of a Little that seeks a scolding or tongue lashing, that thrives on negative attention, a quick smart corrective slap or forceful push OTK for a corrective spanking. But Daddy is slow to temper. He breathes in, breathes out, knowing these moods and temperaments are fleeting.

Sadistic: Not all Daddies are sadistic or sexual with their Littles. And that’s perfectly acceptable. But for those who are, many a Daddy Dom comes from a BDSM background and can be rough and forceful for his own sadistic satisfaction. Under the cover of training or education, he teaches his Little the “ways of the world.” He bites and pinches, leaves marks, slaps her across the face, spanks her hard. He may even laugh (Muhahaha) at her distress as he does so. A Little looks up to his Daddy so much and knows that Daddy will never ever harm her. He may hurt her. He may choke her and pull her hair. He may even pull her pants down and do those things that Daddies must do. But he will never ever truly harm her.

What does a Daddy Dom Do?

Nurtures: Perhaps above all, a Daddy Dom nurtures his Little. He establishes an environment in which she can flourish to the best of her abilities, no matter what those are. If she is adept with flowers, he helps her cultivate a garden, helps her with soil and seeds. If she is good with pets, he finds her good books for pet training or goes with her to walk the dog. Whatever her particular talents, he praises her and instills in her the confidence to succeed in whatever she sets her mind to.

Structures: A Daddy Dom structures his Little’s time and activities. Just as children do, most Littles require structure and boundaries to excel. They may need enforced bedtimes, or bedtime routines (use the bathroom, brush teeth, braid hair, get rid of pajamas in Daddy’s bed! – Okay, that last is my rule for my Lolita in my bed.). They may need larger daily structures to balance work, family, meals, study time, play time. They may need help curbing excessive TV watching or scheduling exercise. A Daddy is instrumental in helping his little get the most out of her day through various structures.

Encourages: Sometimes a Daddy Dom must encourage his Little to try new things or explore the unfamiliar. Again, like children, Littles are notorious for not wanting to try new things, for always ordering chicken fingers for lunch. A Daddy Dom will order something more exotic, such as ostrich burgers or calamari, and insist that his Little try it. Despite her protestations (“yukky” “blech” “meh”), Daddy knows that she must try things in order to grow. How does she know she doesn’t like it until she tries it? How does she know what she likes if she hasn’t tried it? A Daddy Dom will encourage her to experience as much of life as possible. The hidden backdoors of life contain valuable experiences that many Littles have grown to love.

Enforces: A Daddy Dom must enforce the relationship dynamic. He sets the tone. He establishes structures and boundaries. rules to guide and protect, rituals to follow, procedures to ensure compliance. His Little girl’s well being and happiness are his utmost objects of desire. She is precious to him beyond all else. Even when it’s difficult, when she has erred and is crying, when punishment is necessary, when bedtime is upon her, he must enforce, with consistency and fairness, their established rules. Daddy is the enforcer. The buck stops with him.

* * * * *

There are too many words in the English language that can apply to a Daddy Dom. Some Daddies may be sterner and some Littles may desire a sterner Daddy. Some Daddies are old softies and laugh while sitting back more passively to watch their Littles play. Some Daddies look like they have jumped straight out of a leather magazine, flogger in hand, boots ready to be shined. And some Daddies may play video games and go to college. You, dear reader, may choose an entirely different set of words to describe a Daddy Dom.

But these words and attributes were chosen with great care. If you have an established DD/lg relationship or you have just learned about DD/lg and are excited about exploring this lifestyle, here’s somewhere to start. Find out just what kind of Daddy Dom you are. Find out just what kind of Daddy Dom you want. Use the definition above as your starting place.

One thing is for certain: However you play out your DD/lg dynamic, a Daddy Dom loves his Little beyond all other things. She is the raison d’etre of his existence.

Without his Little, he is just another Dom.

“Sexual freedom is a fundamental human right” – Woodhull Conference 2013

Posted by BrianFlaherty on October 24, 2013

Oct 242013

“Sexual freedom is a fundamental human right” – this mantra was the theme of Woodhull Alliance’s 2013 Sexual Freedom Summit, held this past September just outside of Washington DC. The Alliance is an organization that unites disparate groups and people who fight for greater sexual freedom, whether their fights are in courts or classrooms, in churches or on the streets. The Sexual Freedom Summit gives these groups an opportunity to come together to teach and learn, to network, and to re-frame what we do – whether it is education, legal advocacy, or street outreach – as a fight for fundamental human rights.

For me of course, Woodhull sits at the intersection of professional interests, sex law & sex education, and my personal enthusiasm for sexual freedom. The summit featured presentations on everything from sex work, trafficking and criminalization, to teaching about consent, to sexuality we encounter it in the bible. Despite the universal acceptance of a common goal – sexual freedom as a fundamental human right – some meetings sparked heated discussion and disagreement among participants, both before and after the presentations. The keynotes and panels were universally outstanding. What follows here is a brief description of some of the panels – the high points. A great deal of the summit, including the keynotes, was recorded (video and audio). When they become available, I will either update this article, or post their whereabouts in the comments below.

Of the many programs I attended, the most important was the “End Demand” presentation done by Kate D’Adamo of the New York Sex Worker Outreach Project. “End Demand” is the umbrella term given to laws that drastically increase criminal penalties for Johns who hire sex workers. They are often passed as part of broader trafficking legislation. There is some great, current writing about the momentum of the misguided End Demand movement – from a recent blog post at SWOP-NY, to a 2013 article in the Harvard Journal of Law and Gender. But the quick summary is: these laws do nothing to affect the actual victimization that exists in sex work – instead, they cast all sex workers as victims and all johns as abusive deviants. The net effect is that the lives of sex workers become even more dangerous, leading frequently to tragedy. I say that this was the most important program I went to because despite the demonstrable ineffectiveness of “End Demand” programs, these misguided laws are proliferating among states. And there are now bills that would create federal “End Demand” laws. So do this: take a moment before you move on to the next paragraph and call your congresspeople (Who are they? Find them at http://www.whoismyrepresentative.com/) and tell them to oppose the End Demand legislation slithering its way through congress, House Bill 2805 and Senate Bill 1534.

The most relevant professionally (well, to the sex educator in me) was Beyond Yes Means Yes (named in part after the great book by Jaclyn Friedman) The first part of this program was taught by two people who teach a class on consent at Colgate University. It included an activity where we had to explain to another person how a selected picture related to our ideas of consent – which they, in turn, had to explain to a third person. The point: It is important to be able to articulate what we think consent means and how it relates to a particular situation, but it is equally important to express these ideas so clearly to another person that they can explain it themselves. We got “beyond yes means yes,” into “Consent 301” in the second half of the presentation. Consent is not a simple “yes or no” proposition, and the act of giving consent is not a single act, rather it’s a ongoing process, a feedback loop requiring awareness of ourselves and others involved. In this part, we did an activity where we had to respond to a simple request for consent with yes, and…; yes, but…; no, and…; or no, but… The idea is that if you incorporate the idea of a subsequent event into giving “mere consent,” the thing that you’re consenting to becomes more real – consent becomes (as our most dashing facilitator put it) a more “haptic experience.”

The most inspiring presentation of the weekend came from Carmen Vazquez. Born in Puerto Rico, raise in New York, she is currently the coordinator of the LGBT Health and Human Services Unit for the New York AIDS institute. Her accomplishments in working for sexual freedom, immigrant’s rights, and sexual health (among other things) are legion; there are many biographies online, including this one on the Woodhull site. In her address she talked about not leaving our sex behind when we talk about sexual freedom, when we talk about sexual health and sex worker advocacy. Fundamentally, when we talk about harm reduction, about racism and classism or about equal rights, we are talking about our right to desire who we want, our right to experience sexual pleasure – whatever that might look like – with whoever we choose. If we leave our sex out of the fight, we’re compromising the very thing we’re fighting for. She talks about giving a presentation on harm reduction from the pulpit of New York’s Riverside Church, where she chose to address sexuality:

I asked: Do I get to bring my sex with me? Do I get to tell you how sick and tired I am of the condoms and the dental dams and the saran wraps and all the other things that keep my skin, my cock, my cunt, my cum, my juice separate from the person I want? Do I get to tell you that I’m out of control here? Do I get to tell you that I want my lover and somebody else’s lover and a stranger in a bathhouse? Do I get to tell you that I want pain and power in my sex? Do I get to tell you that my sex is very vanilla and I really like it like that? Do I get to tell you that I’m queer and never have sex except for what I desire? Do I get to tell you that I’m a female to male transsexual and a gay man? Do I get to tell you that I’m a male to female transsexual and a lesbian? Do I get to tell you that I’m a transsexual who is a heterosexual? Do I get to tell you I am a bisexual slut? Do I get to be in your community? Do I really?

There was stunned silence. They expected me to talk about race or class or harm reduction, not sex. What they didn’t realize is that in one paragraph I had, in fact, talked about all three.

There is no way I could write about everything I saw, all that I learned, or everything I was inspired by in this short article. But in writing this, I realize: I came away from the summit energized and inspired to work with people I met there – to do my part to realize my vision of sexual freedom. And now I have a notebook full of names and ideas which, I confess, I looked at in the days following the conference but have since put aside. So here is my suggestion: go back to those names, to those ideas, and contact just one of the people you promised you would reach out with, or you wanted to connect with. I’ll do the same. I spend time with a lot of great people, and I’m often inspired – but too often I let that inspiration dissipate without taking any kind of action. So here is my resolution: to channel this positive energy into some kind of movement.

The Other Side of Her

Posted by MsSelinaMinx on October 22, 2013

Oct 222013

When working with archetypal beings and states of consciousness one must remember a basic law of the universe, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”. By meditating on this law, we can realize that every state of ecstasy will be followed with a state of <non> ecstasy. This law applies to much more than just the physical universe, it applies to our inner world and it’s rhythms as well.

In my personal life this includes artistic performances which are always followed by, and sometimes preceded by a state of frustration, anxiety or exhaustion. In the moment of performing, I am exalted, embodying the Muse herself, expressing the divine perfection of the universe with my artistic passion!

But there is a shadow cast by all that brilliant light, and it’s a dark shadow. As a Mistress this is also true. When I am playing with someone, and the energy is flowing well I am lifted up far beyond myself. When a submissive looks into my eyes, and sees their personal divinity-in-form, or even the perfect flowering of feminine power, I receive that energy and am changed by it. During the play I find myself in a completely altered state… and after that play, I am often lifted up for hours by the magick of the interchange. However, there is always a shadow state.

All of us humans (myself included) have an idealized personification of their perfect Master or Mistress, slave or sub, lover or partner. In the active fantasy life the perfect Other is experienced as being free of foolishness, endlessly playful and energetic, perfect in all ways, with a constantly hard cock or wet pussy. For those who are in the “lifestyle” these dreams die hard. We realize that our playmates, regardless of what otherworldly spirits they may express in their play-personality are actually human.

Not only are they human, but they often (like all of us) have repugnant flaws which must be accepted and understood in order to proceed in an intimate relationship of any kind.

By integrating this knowledge in our relationships we can offer compassion instead of judgement, and experience a deeper state of love than mere illusion or infatuation. Love is delightfully steeped in illusion. And thank goodness! Or no babies would be born! It is because of the mind’s amazing ability to project it’s desires and fears upon the outside world that we are able to experience the potent lessons which the universe has in store for us. When we fall in love we experience a rich brew of neurochemical juices, which act quite a lot like cocaine (which also acts on the brain’s dopamine centers). This rosy view of the Other allows us to let down our guard and risk ourselves in passion which has likely disappointed us before. But we do not have to do this unknowingly! I suggest that we revel in the state of neurochemical bliss, and enjoy the view of our Other as the savior of the known universe. But do so with knowing that there is a shadow to all that brilliance, and that the shadow has it’s own balancing perfection. We must allow for imperfections in others, as well as ourselves.

Truly, the most important sphere in which to offer compassion is for our own selves. Sadly, this is often the most difficult place to engage the heart and allow for the fluctuations of spirit which are so innate to the human state of being. It’s frustratingly easy to fall into the trap of judging ourselves for our lack of energy, focus, organization… When in fact these states are part of a cycle of experience, which endlessly rotates us between two extremes. Come to accept your own natural cycles, and schedule reasonably within them, and therefore avoid the self-recrimination that comes with being unable to fulfill your obligations.

Likewise it is difficult to accept that our submissives’ may express a less-than-perfect receptivity, pain tolerance or attentiveness to us. It’s easy to use these things as a reason for punishment… and fun, actually, to exploit a submissive’s actual shortcomings instead of some imaginary humiliating flaw. However, behind all games can flow a real and genuine love, and concern for the Other, no matter what role they may inhabit. If we interact with each other from the perspective that we are simultaneously exalted divine beings playing at a human experience, and mundane domesticated primates bearing unavoidable flaws, then we can come close to the truth of this incredible world we live in.

You are Perfect, just as you are.

Originally posted September 7 2010

Female Pick Up Artists

Posted by GuestWriter on October 16, 2013

Oct 162013

Pick up artists. Men who “run game” on women. We’ve all heard of them- but why do we never hear about female pick up artists running game on men? I referred to girls trying to get boys into bed as “playing the game” way back when I was a teen, before PUAs were a thing. (Though I also call any kind of debate or conflict “playing the game” for some reason.) But then I got better acquainted with the ol’ interwebz and realised that lots of men (and women) think that I can’t play the game- because I’m a woman.

This 2006 Observer column quotes a man as boasting how “4 billion” years of “evolution” (actually that’s the age of the Earth, but never mind) gave men the ability to charm and deceive women into sleeping with them. And this blog replies to a woman’s question about whether she can run game on men by stating that no, a woman’s version of game is to get a man to settle down with her. How awful: that women are forever barred from the thrills of game – or worse, that our game means fulfilling the old patriarchal white wedding standard. Both these articles have something in common: they both take the view that men are genetically predetermined to be pick up artists and women…aren’t.

The idea that men are biologically programmed to be PUAs and women are programmed the opposite way – to settle down with Mr Right and squirt out babies- is a patriarchal Victorian one. But then it was “proved” by science. The theory first appeared in Darwin’s Origin of Species and has been going strong ever since. Richard Dawkins’ The Selfish Gene popularised this scientific justification: “[F]emales can be expected to invest more in children than males, not only at the outset, but throughout development. So, in mammals for example, it is the female who incubates the foetus in her own body, the female who makes the milk to suckle it when it is born, the female who bears the brunt of the load of bringing it up”. The female is “in demand, in a seller’s market” because she brings the nutritious egg which needs more energy to create than sperms. And “Once she has copulated she has played her ace- her egg has been committed to the male.” (p146-151)

But surely it’s not all bad for us girls? Female mammals can mate an infinity number of times per day, and with multiple mates foraging or hunting for her, theoretically she could spend her days mating and rearing her young. By having multiple mates, the female can also compensate for any mates who are sterile, have inferior genes, are genetically related to her, have a low sperm count or do not often mate with her. The number of offspring females can produce are however still limited by only being able to conceive a couple of days per month, but they can mate many times more than males and not become pregnant. It seems as though the number of offspring produced will always be higher for male mammals but the amount of pleasure enjoyed will always be higher for females -especially us human females, because we have multiple orgasms. This means that a ‘promiscuous’ female has less chance of reproducing and the ability to enjoy more pleasure than a ‘promiscuous’ male.

In our modern society, it makes more sense for a woman to sleep around – even without using contraception – than it does for a man. This is because a ‘promiscuous’ man, if he doesn’t take precautions, could end up paying maintenance to many children that he has fathered without being permitted to contact those children. He may be able to avoid paying maintenance to a few but this would usually come at the cost of not knowing that these children exist.

However a ‘promiscuous’ woman could sleep with hundreds of different men per month and only give birth about once every nine months. After ten years of this lifestyle, she would have just ten or eleven children; for a higher education college or university graduate (who would earn a couple of thousand per month) feeding and clothing these children would not be much of a strain and realistically after ten years the mother would be earning much more than her starting salary. (And in real life most people do use contraception and few individuals would have hundreds of sexual partners per month, much less keep up this lifestyle for a decade.) More importantly, the mother has complete control of the situation – she can abort, keep the child or put it up for adoption. A mother always has 100% confidence in her own maternity but the same isn’t true for fathers.

Dawkins concludes that “man’s way of life is largely determined by culture rather than by genes”. So maybe female PUAs can exist if the culture doesn’t repress women. Dawkins claims that human females ‘advertise’ through clothes and makeup just like male animals do and concludes that perhaps in humans the battle of the sexes is reversed- it’s the women who are competing for choosy, coy men. Perhaps we are.

University of Michigan psychologist Terri Conley has a different theory – that women and men are driven to seek pleasure. In a recently published paper she proved that women want casual sex HYPERLINK “http://www.psmag.com/culture/casual-sex-men-women-not-so-different-after-all-28451/” just as much as men. Conley’s findings appear to better reflect the reality of how women behave sexually. Unlike Dawkins’ theory, it doesn’t raise as many questions of why LGBTQI people exist or where they fit along the PUA male or coy female axis. If all that matters is pleasure then it’s not surprising if some of us prefer to seek pleasure from members of the same sex. The question of whether an individual will sleep with lots of women while he is a man but then become coy and choosy after transitioning to being a woman isn’t raised by Conley’s theory, but it is raised by Dawkins. As Dawkins’ theory hinges on the consequences of pregnancy, infertile or LGBT individuals – and anyone using contraception- wouldn’t need to be either coy or a PUA.

As for me, I can work very fast- faster than most PUAs- but I haven’t had nearly enough conquests to take on the mantle of the PUA. So I went in search of a woman who has. Veronica Twist is a burlesque entertainer, rockabilly pin-up model- and a female PUA. As a single mother she liked to have fun. “There is an art to flirting,” she says. “I think most men think that when they are able to start up a conversation with a woman, get her digits, that’s their doing. Well, those men are wrong! Their corny pick up lines have never and will never work. What is working is the female being witty, flirty, fun and working the entire situation with such a finesse that the man thinks he is ‘scoring’!” she reveals. Looks like male PUAs aren’t always PUAs so much as they’re actually having game run on them by women.
Veronica also uses reverse psychology to get guys. “I will say ‘oh I am way too old, you don’t really want to date me’,” she says. And yes, girls- it does work! She even netted her now-hubby with the line “I like your car, if you let me drive it, I will let you buy me dinner.”

So take it from a real female pick up artist- women can be very successful PUAs.

This is a Guest Post submitted by:

Slutocrat was born at university- the ultimate win in geekery. She’s an intersectional feminist, an anti kyriarchy(ist?) and a caffeine-addicted chocoholic freelance writer (cliché alert). But mostly she’s a political animal; a cute fuzzy member of genus slutocratae who blogs at www.slutocracy.wordpress.com.

BDSM in Mainstream Media

Posted by Ohh on October 14, 2013

Oct 142013

The popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey has catapulted BDSM into the mainstream for a new generation, but E.L. James’ bestselling erotic novel is far from the first time kink has made its way into popular culture. From seemingly innocent spankings to highly eroticized scenes of dominance and submission, BDSM has been cropping up in mainstream film, television, and books for ages. The taboo and dark, sensual side of human nature continues to fascinate audiences and draw them in.

If you couldn’t put Fifty Shades down and are now perusing the bookshelves for your next sexy read, you’ll have plenty of choices. The Story of O, The Ages of Lulu, Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy and The Sexual Life of Catherine M have been titillating audiences for years. While they each provide their own special slant on love, sex, and relationships, the subtle (and not-so-subtle) kinky undertones are sure to thrill.

The Story of O is considered a classic erotic text. Originally published in French, the 1954 novel is a tale of female submission. The novel’s heroine and namesake, O, willingly undergoes strict sexual training to become a slave. While O’s treatment is much harsher than the “training” Anastasia receives at the hands of Christian in Fifty Shades of Grey, O’s consent and pleasure remain a focus of the process, a representation that many sex educators have claimed is more accurate and realistic of BDSM culture than much of what is seen in mainstream popular culture.

Meanwhile, The Ages of Lulu (originally published in Spanish under the title Las Edades de Lulu), the compelling story of the sexual awakening of Maria Luisa Ruiz-Poveda y Garcia de la Casa – known by her friends and family as Lulu, and Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy, which follows the brutal sexual training of Beauty after the Prince forcibly ‘awakens’ her, often veer into the realm of pure fantasy. Yet, the books are far from happy fairy tales. Both The Ages of Lulu and The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy paint a dark shadow over sexual submission, with Lulu and beauty often struggling to maintain a sense of self while becoming increasingly desperate as their encounters with illicit and dangerous sex threaten to overtake their lives completely. With their darker, seedier vision of kinky escapades, Lulu and Sleeping Beauty isn’t for everyone, but it is an interesting study in the fine line between perversion and socially acceptable morality.

The current vogue of peeking behind the BDSM curtain isn’t just confined to the written word. Both The Story of O and The Ages of Lulu prompted films of the same name, joining Secretary, Exit to Eden, Eyes Wide Shut, and 9 ½ Weeks in video collections across the nation. Much like their written counterparts, film depictions of BDSM has traditionally been serious, even dark. Eyes Wide Shut and 9 ½ Weeks constantly play with the idea that the characters are engaging in something not only taboo, but dangerous. Yet, a few films depart from that standard, showing BDSM in a romantic and somewhat quirky light. Exit to Eden (originally a book by Anne Rice) was more a comedy set in a BDSM world than a serious exploration of BDSM relationships and practices. The beatings, dominance, and submission on display came across as novel and playful, nothing to be taken too seriously. Secretary also provides a somewhat more irreverent view of BDSM. When Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal), a young impressional woman, takes a job as a secretary for the uptight and demanding lawyer Mr. Grey the chemistry between them becomes apparent quickly. Even as their relationship progresses into the realm of dominance, submission, and sadomasochism, their exchanges are flirty and off the wall. When the two finally admit their feelings to themselves and each other, finding their happy ending, the audience is encouraged to bask in the glow the same way one might at the end of a great romantic comedy.

While books and films have lead the way with depictions of BDSM in mainstream culture, kink has been steadily finding its place on the small screen as well. Lena Dunham’s acclaimed new television series, Girls, regularly deals with themes of sexual submission. The 20-something heroine and her close circle of friends routinely discuss and engage in light BDSM with their significant others. Sex scenes in cop dramas and sitcoms alike have moved to the racier side, including handcuffs or light spanking play. While most depictions or discussions of BDSM on television have been far more PG than what one encounters in books and film, the mere inclusion of BDSM in the lives and bedrooms of “normal” characters is helping to normalize the practice.

Even if spanking and handcuffs may have been seen as extreme in previous generations, they’re now becoming a somewhat usual part of the sexual landscape. Lashings, brandings, and full blown orgies aren’t likely to become norms in mainstream media, but with the popularity of erotic works like Fifty Shades of Grey, it’s very likely that we’ll continue to find sprinkles of BDSM in our otherwise vanilla media.

Discovering the Freedom and Flexibility to be Your Freaky Self

Posted by LeahShapiro on October 12, 2013

Oct 122013

In the early stages of our relationship, my lover and I decided to have a few mentoring sessions at the Kink Academy. We’re both kinky, and we wanted to learn how to bring our kinks into our relationship in a satisfying & fun way. We were having difficulties defining what we wanted because, deep down, I was afraid that my lover would reject me for some of the things I wanted. My fears made it hard for us to communicate, not to mention figure out what we both wanted.

Have you ever felt this way?

It can be difficult to decide what would feel good – and not just in your sex life, but in general – especially when you add in fears around admitting to and owning your ideas and desires.

Have you spent your life feeling unaligned with mainstreams ideas about what your life should look like, but still aren’t sure about what would work?

That’s exactly what had happened to me: I knew I wanted something different, but I wasn’t sure how to get it. I didn’t fit in with mainstream, and I felt like there was something wrong with me because I was different. The end result? I often felt frustrated and unsatisfied.

That sucked! So, I set out on a grand adventure to discover what my kick-ass life would be. Fast forward 8 years – now I’m living a deeply satisfying life with the freedom and flexibility to be my freaky self and I’m receiving all the abundance the Universe has to offer. That’s my kick-ass life!

Funny thing; I discovered that the Kink Academy. advice to my lover and I was similar to the advice I give my clients when they want to create a life that gives them the freedom and flexibility to be their freaky selves:

It’s your world – you deserve to have as much fun and pleasure as you desire in the way that feels good to you.
Have fun, play, and explore.
Learn what works for you and leave the rest behind.
Recognize and release the stories and beliefs that keep you from exploring and embracing this part of you.
It’s all good if it feels good to you.

Think of it like this: life is a big buffet with all kinds of choices. Fill your plate with the things that look good and try them out. Then, go back for more of what you liked – and forget the stuff you didn’t.

Enjoy the buffet!

Originally posted September 28, 2010

Types of “Littles” – Exploring Age Play Archetypes

Posted by Daddy Vinnie & Lolita Hayes on October 10, 2013

Oct 102013

Our next two columns will focus on some basic definitions, namely, what is a “Little” and what is a “Daddy” in the Daddy Dominant/little girl (DD/lg) world. In short, we use the term “Little” to refer to the regressed self of the younger person of a DD/lg couple. The “Daddy” is the older person of the couple. “Littles” can be a dependent type of any kind! And Daddies come in all shapes and sizes, too, including women and others of any sexual or gender orientation. Remember, this is adult consensual role play for those 18 and older. Lolita contributed the following guide to types of “Littles.” I will provide a definition of Daddies next month. Until then, remember to be good for Daddy, and Daddies, remember to be good to your Littles.

— Daddy Vinnie

Types of “Littles,” by Lolita Hayes (& Daddy Vinnie)

Is there only one type of Little? Of course not! There are several generic types of Littles: Babygirls, Littles, Lolitas, Pets, and Kittens to name a few. Here is an explanation of the more common types of Little.

Adult Babies are the youngest age regressors. They often take on the characteristics of a baby in the infant to toddler range. This can involve diapers, bottles, cribs, and everything that goes along with being an infant/baby.

Babygirls often identify as a younger age, usually older than an infant but younger than a school age child. The average range would be a toddler to the kindergarten years. Some Babygirls walk, talk, dress and act much like a child of that age range. A lot of older sexy women, however, as opting to use the “Babygirl” name as a term of endearment. There may be some overlap in terminology here.

Littles are on a broader age regressive spectrum. They usually identify in a range anywhere from the kindergarten years on up to pre-teens. This is also the common title for those Littles who do not claim a specific age. In short, the term “Little” is the most generic of these terms and is frequently used to describe anyone who age regresses.

Lolitas are usually a more specific type of Little. They have chosen to be called “Lolita” because they have either read and like the book of the same name by Vladimir Nabokov, or they feel like they connect with that known Lolita archetype of pre-pubescent girl. The age range of a “Lolita” falls within the first double digits to teens.

Middles are more likely to claim a pre-teen/teen regressive age. They’re often more sexually curious or more outspoken or bratty. Middles often take on the personality of a teenager.

Pets, for the most part, don’t have an age at all. Rather, they enjoy acting like a pet to their caregiver. They are very playful and have many commonalities with “Littles,” including regression.

Kittens, much like pets, like the role of being owned by their caregiver. They are a more specific cat/kitten form of pet, but just the same, regress, are playful, and identify as a Little.

There are also countless other types “Littles” who refer to themselves as something specific or personal. An example is a Little I know who calls herself a goblin. There are no rules that are set saying you can only be one of the above, or that you have to be a specific gender or race. Anyone can identify as a Little and give themselves a personal title or none at all.

Artifice and Seduction: the work of Pierre et Gilles

Posted by ErinFae on October 8, 2013

Oct 082013

Pierre Commoy and Gilles Blanchad are partners in love and in art. But for these two men, art and love might be the same thing. The duo, who go by the moniker Pierre et Gilles, have been together since the mid-1970s and have created art as a team ever since. Looking at their work is like falling in love…or lust, for the first time. The photographs they create seem almost too good to be true: a world of fantasy and desire, a beautiful world for us all to visit and inhabit. Of course, the catch is that these photos are not true. Pierre Commoy is a photographer and Gilles Blanchard is a painter. Together, they create one-of-a-kind photographs that capture fantasy, camp, sensuality and desire.

Fiercely dedicated to their aesthetic, the two men make most of the sets and costumes for their richly colorful works. Once a photo is developed and printed,

Gilles Blanchard paints directly onto the photographs, making the work truly luminous. These pieces don’t just glow, they sparkle. The artists are in complete control of their works. Every bubble, tear, or drop of sweat is intentional and more often than not, created with a paintbrush. Step away from the photo, and it is hard to see where the photograph ends and the fantasies (or painted elements) begin. The point is that it doesn’t matter.

Pierre et Gilles’ works are often homoerotic and intensely sensual without a hint of vulgarity. They render perfect fauns, idyllic men, seductive sirens, porn saints, transfolk and mythic gods. The images recall moments from popular culture, religion, and gay history. Theirs is a purposeful seduction of the world; these photos are meant to entice and entrance. Their models are rendered as flawless beings who are then manipulated in whatever fantasy the artists have constructed. Some images are even violent, but like any well-constructed scene, the violence is still beautiful and sensual.

Just because this work is beautiful, doesn’t mean that the artists do not critique their subjects. This is especially true of their religious themed pieces. In these works, they queer and eroticize familiar religious figures—St. Sebastian, Jesus, Krishna, Eve—turning them to the realm of extreme artifice; a dream of religion, a fantasy beyond godliness.

It is difficult to be cynical when looking at the work of Pierre et Gilles. It is easy to be curious. It is almost impossible not to be seduced. Give in.

Originally posted September 24, 2010

Purging

Posted by Nina Love on October 6, 2013

Oct 062013

It’s time to purge. Relax; my dinner is diligently working its way through my digestive system as we speak. It’s time to purge my closet. Yet this thought is more stressful and painstaking than sticking my finger down my throat, which is starting to sound appealing at this point. Just standing at the edge of my closet and pondering the idea of getting rid of something makes me consider doing something drastic – like getting a corporate job so I can wear that smokin’ red suit. The suit that I haven’t worn in five years. Yet, there it hangs; neatly pressed and tucked into its individual IKEA garment bag.

It’s been a long battle, between this smokin’ red suit and I. She has stood her ground through my flight from the corporate world, through two spring cleanings, relocation and a hoard of friends who regularly shop at the Boutique de Love. But, your time has come my friend. Because, this time I am not purging for the sake of purging; because that is what we are suppose to do every spring and fall. I am purging because I had an epiphany:

I am what I wear.

This isn’t necessarily about getting rid of clothes that do not express who I am. Everyone – even me – finds themselves in garments that are totally not them to appease social norms, loved ones, the courts. This red suit will never serve me again. If I do find myself in court, a funeral, even a business meeting, this wouldn’t be the suit I would choose to represent me. I’m holding onto it purely for nostalgic reasons. And if my sentimental nature drives me to hold onto this part of my corporate past, the suit belongs in a new home: my craft room, a keepsake box, a scrapbook. But definitely not taking up precious space in my closet.

I need to reserve space for the pieces that express who I am. You, like many others, may think that I express myself with six inch heels, black, lots of metal, and some more black. Ok, this is true. But I’m not like every other hybrid gothic/fetish/rockabilly chic on the block. What really expresses who I am are the pieces that I choose and how I put them together. I often find that I am sidetracked from this vision by the stubborn pieces that I have kept beyond their time.

So, what else needs to go? Tee shirts that have shrunk in length; shoes that I never wear because they hurt my feet; the pants with the coffee stain that I always claim “just happened”; things I haven’t worn in over a year and anything that is dated or trendy.

What stays? Pieces that are crisp and look new; things that fit properly and compliment my body type; clothes that are comfortable to wear (ok, reasonably comfortable to wear) and outfits that express who I am.

It’s a painful process. Not even my husband, who refuses to throw away any tee shirt….ever, can disagree with this. But, here I go.

Originally posted September 26, 2010

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