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What Good is a Saint from 1535?

Posted by Heather Cole on October 4, 2013

Oct 042013

Having my daughter go through Catholic education has been helping to educate me too. I wasn’t raised Catholic, so there are huge gaps in my knowledge of saints, for example. Last week, my daughter was told the story of Saint Teresa de Ávila in Sunday school, and we had a conversation about St. Teresa’s vision of Jesus and what exactly that meant in practical four-year-old terms. Explaining religious ecstasy to the literal mind of a child is challenging on the best of days. Apparently my explanation was really lacking, because in the end she said, “Jesus in the clouds is crazy, mommy.” The truth was that I wasn’t even sure what religious ecstasy meant or if I was interpreting St. Teresa’s experience with any degree of accuracy, so I did a little research.

It turns out that Saint Teresa de Ávila led an eventful and interesting life. Religious visions were the tip of the iceberg with this woman. She believed strongly in living a pious life removed from material wealth and concerns, so much so, that she lived her life without wearing shoes and believed in daily flagellation. She began a reform amongst the Carmelite Nuns and founded seventeen convents. She ruffled so many feathers with her preaching of piety that the Inquisition was set to process her. She wrote extensively about her mystical thoughts, and her motto was: Lord, let me suffer or let me die.

It was the last part that caught my attention. Suffering. I don’t claim to suffer at the hands of my Dominant in the same way as one would endure suffering for their God, but I understand the purity of that focus. For some of us, enduring torment at the hands of another can be a pathway to bliss. Saint Teresa had her own brand of masochism traveling the countryside without shoes and flogging herself as part of her daily ritual. She expected her reward in heaven whereas I expect mine at the end of the scene. I must also point out that my torment is consensual. It is not visited upon me by an unseen God but through a series of negotiations with my owner. But I understand that drive to please another, to tell yourself that you will do anything to appease them and to fulfill the tasks you were given. It’s a beautiful almost peaceful feeling to narrow your vision to that one goal, so I understand Saint Teresa’s drive and need to take action.

Suffering wasn’t a feeling that my four-year-old would relate to nor were the religious visions. Clearly “Jesus in the clouds” was not making an impression. If I was honest with myself, I would have to admit that the Saints weren’t something that I readily connected with besides being part of the Nicene Creed that I recited every Sunday at church. So what was I going to do with my new found knowledge of St. Teresa?

I started to rethink the conversation I had with my daughter to find a different angle. Perhaps it wasn’t necessary to understand how the visions “worked” necessarily or to discern what were illness-fueled fever visions versus an angel from God. What I found most admirable was her dedication and perseverance. Her suffering for God aided her focus, and in the end, that benefited a lot of people. She worked within the system to create change, and she did it with immense success. She was a rebel yet worked for the greater good. And that is an example that I want to pass on to my daughter.

Negotiating Monogamy

Posted by Ohh on October 2, 2013

Oct 022013

One of my biggest pet peeves is listening to people talk about other people’s sheep-like tendencies or “privilege” while failing to acknowledge their own. Recently, there’s been a lot of talk in my social circle about monogamy as social pressure and “mono privilege,” the invisible benefits of being monogamous in contemporary American culture. Generally the argument goes something like this, “People are only monogamous because it’s socially expected and, if they kowtow to social pressure and go along with the status quo, they reap benefits that the strong-willed and independent thinkers (read: polyamorous, non-monogamous, or otherwise “alternative” identified people) do not.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying society accepts all relationship models equally or there aren’t benefits to being monogamous in a culture built around heteronormative coupling. I think the frustration lies in the erroneous assumption that individuals who identify as monogamous haven’t consciously chosen that path and/or “mono privilege” negates relationship-based hardships or biases. This is where things get personal – I choose monogamy for myself and, yes, certain privileges come along with that. Yet, that choice doesn’t mean that I get to put my relationships on autopilot and never make difficult decisions or deal with problems.

Too often monogamy is seen as the default option. To a degree, this is true. Most of us are taught early in life to search for our “one true love,” the person that we’ll happily spend the rest of our lives with. Romantic comedies, fairy tales, and popular love songs glorify the notion of a romantic monogamous pair. However, as we get older, we often discover that we can be attracted to more than one person at a time and, if we’re lucky, we may have the opportunity to try alternative relationship styles (polyamory, non-monogamy, swinging, etc.) and see what fits. Even with so many available options, there are those that still choose to walk the path of monogamy.

For me, monogamy is a conscious choice; it just feels right. My experiences with non-monogamy were uncomfortable and emotionally draining. Some may argue the discomfort I felt stems from society’s pressure, the guilt complex religious and cultural stewards convince the general population they should feel if they step outside the bounds of “normal” sexual and relationship conventions. Yet, my concern was less “What will they think of me” and more “Boy, I’d rather be devoting this time and energy to my primary partner.” I love having a close-knit network of family and friends, but personally I need only one love. Additional lovers feel a bit like pleasant, but unnecessary distractions. However, I don’t expect everyone I meet to feel the same way. In fact, I don’t even expect other people that identify as monogamous to mirror my views.

As with all relationships, monogamy requires partners to negotiate their expectations and boundaries; simply because monogamy is the current cultural norm doesn’t mean everyone instinctively shares the same views. Questions still abound. What do you mean when you say you’re monogamous? Sexual monogamy? Emotional/romantic monogamy? Social monogamy? Does being monogamous promote longer relationships and lessen one’s likelihood of heartbreak? Is it okay to sleep with a platoon-worth of individuals as long as it’s serially instead of concurrently?

In the past, I didn’t think it was necessary to negotiate monogamy, surely everyone knows what a happy monogamous relationship is supposed to look like. As I’ve grown more self-confident and committed to living a life I take pleasure in, I’ve realized that discussing relationship expectations is paramount in promoting a successful, fulfilling union regardless of what “type” of relationship one is seeking. Human relationships will never reach their full potential until we recognize that ALL romances, even the culturally privileged ones, are choices that require thought and negotiation.

Originally posted June 15, 2011

Gender and Sexual Violence: The Disparaging Relationship

Posted by Erin McKelle on September 30, 2013

Sep 302013

*Trigger Warning: Sexual Violence*

I just started college a couple of weeks ago and already there has been a rape and a sexual assault reported to the police from our campus. Considering that only a very small percentage of sexual assaults are even reported to the police, it’s sickening to imagine what the actual number looks like. This is very depressing, but sadly, not shocking. One in four women will be sexually assaulted in college.

Sexual violence isn’t only a woman’s problem, either; 1 in 6 men will be sexually assaulted before they turn 18. Because of the myths and societal attitudes, men report even less than women do. People think that men cannot rape other men or that being raped by a man somehow means that they are gay.

There are obviously then a lot of intersections between gender and violence and using gender as a lens in which to examine sexual violence in particular can be give a telling perspective in framing the issue. The ways in which sexual violence impact the world and also individuals often is constructed and understood through gender.

Let’s examine this relationship more closely.

Men account for 99% of rape perpetrators

Obviously, this figure says a lot about how sexual violence is perpetrated. Men account for perpetrating almost all cases of sexual violation and this has a very key root in how men in our society are socialized to encounter sex.

Men are taught that women’s sexualities belong to them. Women owe men their bodies and men are entitled to receiving sexual favors from women. Rape is about power and control. Women in our society do not have the same social power that men do and from a larger cultural perspective and that makes them much more vulnerable to be targets of all kinds of assault.

There’s also the fact that masculinity is highly valued in our society and in our society, masculinity means violence, aggression and unearned power that is exerted in dominance over others. This exertion is very present in sexual violence.

Victim Blaming Comes From Sexism

One of the biggest problems with sexual violence is victim blaming, which occurs when the person that was victim to the crime is blamed for it’s happening. “

“Why didn’t you say no?”

“Why were you out alone anyway?”

“You shouldn’t have drank so much.”

These are all common themes that you hear people ask survivors of sexual assault, placing the guilt for the crime on to them and removing responsibility from the perpetrator.

You most commonly hear victim blaming being thrown at female survivors (who account for 90% of all those sexually assaulted as it is), especially in regards to their whereabouts, attire and relationship to the man in question.

This blaming comes from our societies wrong assumption that sexual violence is inherently sexual. Men just can’t keep it in their pants and if sexually provoked, it is only natural that the rape, so the story goes.

Women then are in charge of being the sexual gatekeepers and deciding what the line is of going “too far,” since men will obviously say yes to anything. Therefore, this line of thought leads to the conclusion that sexual violence committed against them must be their fault, because they were in some way asking for it.

All of this is very, very untrue. Sexual assault and rape are crimes of power and control. They have very little to do with anything sexual. Sexual violence doesn’t happen because of a man’s uncontrollable lust, but rather his desire to gain the upper-hand over someone and take their power and autonomy away.

This gendered narrative of sexuality (and the myth that men have uncontrollable, animalistic desires and women are basically asexual) plays out in many other areas of our culture, too. It’s part of how we navigate gender and sexuality as a society. Until we change this, we will continue to see this divide of power in sexuality between men and women.

Sexual Violence and Sexual Orientation Don’t Mix

Men experience rape and sexual violence too and it’s important that we both acknowledge this and refuse to buy into the cultural notions about what this means. There’s propaganda that suggests that a man is raped is somehow not masculine or not strong because he didn’t resist or even gay because man-on-man rape occurs with anal penetration.

Just like I said before, sexual violence has nothing to do with sex- it’s all about power. A man who is raped can have any sexual orientation (same with the rapist) and the violence has nothing to do with any type of sexual desire.

Men have to face the questioning of their masculinity when they’ve been sexually violated, as we tend to see survivors as having had something taken from them and being in a position of weakness. Men are not questioned in the light of provocation or sexual prowess, but instead in the light of not fighting back. After all, if they were stronger, or a “real man” they would have stopped it, right?

Penetration as Value

Our society gives preference to the penetrator in sex. The person who is penetrating is seen to have the power in a sexual act and is therefore socially rewarded (as power is rewarded in our society). Just think about the phrase “fuck you,” which is often thrown at others as an insult. You are saying that they should be fucked, i.e. penetrated and that that is not a position that they want to be in. Being the penetrated is to be on the weaker side of sex.

Because of this notion, it makes us very uncomfortable to view men as being sexually violated, since heteronormativity dictates that men are always the penetrators and women the penetrated and this power dynamic is what is appropriate and expected. Going outside of that in rape challenges the ideas we hold about masculinity and dominance and being a man who who’s power was violated by another makes us see the violated as weak and therefore not ‘manly’ enough. It is these mistaken notions of power and masculinity that cause us to shame male survivors for the crimes committed against them, instead of blaming the perpetrators for acting in such vileness.

Sexual violence and gender have a lot of similar undertones of masculinity and femininity at their intersections. Sex is framed and understood in our society by gender (after all, sexual orientation, virginity and sexual acts wouldn’t make sense without gendered terminology) and because of this, it echo’s in the dynamics of sexual violence. It’s not something that can be understood without looking at sexism, masculinity and social norms about men and women’s sexuality. Until we deconstruct gender and how that shapes our ideas about power and control, we will never be free of the chains that tie us to a dangerous ideology that causes us to blame the victim and not the perpetrator.

**If you want to get help in dealing with sexual assault call the RAINN (Rape Abuse and Incest National Network) hotline toll-free 24/7 at 1.800.656.HOPE**

Coping with Seasonal Changes

Posted by Heather Cole on September 28, 2013

Sep 282013

My column here at A Kink in the Curves is all about body image, the occasional fashion tip (like: what should I wear to my next kinky play party), and beauty products. In this month’s article, I’m going to tackle two aspects of the changing season that trip me up every year: less light and less moisture. The days are getting shorter and dryer. Even in my corner of the southeast, the humidity is dropping. And while I rejoice that my runs are less sweaty, my skin is objecting. So much so that I needed some first aid, but I’ll get to that in a moment. First, I want to talk about the lack of sunshine.

Less daylight is something all humans must cope with, and for this human in particular, less light usually means the onset of seasonal depression. I Googled Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) so that I could give readers a proper definition and discovered that it had been categorized differently in the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. In DSM-5, SAD was changed from a “unique mood disorder” to “a specifier for a recurrent major depressive disorder that occurs at a specific time of the year.” Um, I guess that was a good thing. Anyway, the shorter days mean less sunlight which means depression for me. I become lethargic, have little energy for anything, and my brain functioning gets weird. My unscientific term for it is “brain fog.” That brain fog is the worst part, because it interferes with work and my short-term memory.

Thank goodness there were full-spectrum lights, because when I discovered those, my fall and winter blues disappeared. Full-spectrum light by definition means light that covers the electromagnetic spectrum from infrared to near-ultraviolet, or all wavelengths that are useful to plant or animal life. Light box therapy is about getting enough full-spectrum light from special light bulbs during the months when my section of the earth gets less natural sunlight.

Light boxes run the gamut in price, and I invested a little more because I wanted it to last a long time. I also wanted a legitimate full-spectrum light. The cheaper models may not have been much different from a regular light bulb. And let’s face it; spending time in front of a regular light bulb isn’t going to help my depression. My light box sits on my desk, and I use it every morning for thirty minutes. Those thirty minutes are like seasonal insurance that I will make it through another fall and winter without taking to my bed on a permanent basis. It literally becomes the bright spot in my day.

My other product recommendation to go in your fall survival kit is Aquaphor®. Made by Eucerin®, Aquaphor® healing ointment is marketed for use on babies. It’s not as thick as Vaseline, is clear and has no odor. And why should you place this in your seasonal arsenal if you don’t have an actual baby or babysit or do whatever related activity to diaper-wearing small humans? Because of blowjobs, my dear readers. Yes, you read me right.

As part of my regular D/s duties, I give a morning and evening blowjob to my Dominant. That means fourteen blowjobs a week and around 60 per month on average. That’s a lot of friction for sir and for my lips. The humidity was dropping outside, and I didn’t give much thought to the decrease in moisture in my bedroom until my bottom lip cracked. It began as a small thing, but it seemed that the more chapstick I applied, the more the skin pealed. It got to the point where it was a large crack, and I stopped kissing altogether. No play for this girl when I had an open wound. I was desperate. Traditional lip ointments weren’t working, and then I remembered a winter where a previous Dominant got a patch of cracked skin on the side of his penis. He went to the doctor, of course, fearing the worst. It turned out that he had chapped skin. We were having so much sex that the delicate skin of his penis got abraded and then dried and then cracked. The doctor recommended Aquaphor® as the most effective (and cheapest) remedy.

The stuff works like a charm! I kept a small tube of the stuff next to my desk and applied it every time I looked in its general direction. It looks like I’m wearing super shiny lip gloss, so no one is the wiser. I applied it before I fell asleep every night, and in two days it was healed. Pick some up the next time you’re in the drug store, and I promise that you won’t be sorry. (You’ll also be well-equipped for a lot of fall oral sex.)

So there are my autumn recommendations for this month. I realize that you may have been expecting more fashion oriented tips, but really, fighting depression and chapped penises are way more important than the right shade of pumpkin tights, right? RIGHT?!

Femina Potens

Posted by ErinFae on September 26, 2013

Sep 262013

You might not think of yourself as an art gallery-going type, but sex-positive porn star Madison Young wants to change that. Then again, her San Francisco community-based space, Femina Potens, is not your typical art gallery.

Located in the Castro District, Femina Potens showcases the work of women and transgender artists. The art world still often ignores women, gender variant and trans-identified artists, but this is not the case at Femina Potens. With its multidisciplinary focus, the gallery has featured theater, performance art, painting, prints, sculpture and more. Young says that the gallery chooses what art to show depending on the year: “Every year we sit down and think about where our heaviest focus was in the previous year, what’s happening currently, politically, socially, in our communities, in San Francisco, topics that we’d like for our artist’s to explore. Also, we look at what artists are out there and what themes seem to be really prevalent within our community.”

Along with showing amazing and cutting-edge artwork, the gallery is a much needed community space with affordable programs—including readings, panels, and workshops—for queers, sex workers, kinky people of all orientations, trans-folk, and the curious. Recent workshops have included play piercing, pin-up photography, and a lesson on how to be a sex-positive sex worker taught by the legendary Carol Queen.

A non-profit space, Femina Potens is volunteer-run and hosts sexy benefits to keep its doors open. Among these benefits is “Art of Restraint,” a quarterly benefit that is now in its second year. Attendees witness rope bondage performances in an intimate setting. Young commented that the event allows rope artists to explore “how rope can be used as an [art] material. Some of the works end up being more like installations that happen through the entire event, and some of them are more theatrical and definitely have a narrative. Some of the pieces are more atmospheric and involve a lot more audience participation. It’s really great because it gives rope bondage artists a whole new way to explore rope and a new freedom to express themselves with rope, rather than just the traditional tying someone up.” Along with being able to witness some of the world’s top rope artists and models, guests are waited on by seductively dressed (and sometimes under/undressed) service submissives. Each submissive has a menu of services offered, which may include serving champagne and strawberries, receiving/giving spankings, nipple torture, and offering massage.

This article was originally posted August 28, 2010

A Tribute to Jeff Gord

Posted by Graydancer on September 24, 2013

Sep 242013

“On the evening of September 3rd, 2013 we lost a master, a hero, and a true artist in every sense of the word. His lover Femcar was with him till the very end, although not by his side. She was in her proper place, on her knees naked, below his desk.”

These words shocked the world of kink and fetish. The word “pioneer” is possibly inadequate to describe the effect Jeff Gord and his inventions have had on thousands of kinksters all over the world. Just as John Willie and Bob Stanton inspired fantasies of bound women in fantastic devices, Mr. Gord brought those devices – and much more – to life through his self-described “bent” art.

According to Mr. Gord, his desire to create his fantastic devices came very early in life, when as a child he watched a woman in tight lycra doing a stage show. He was entranced by her ass, and got rather annoyed every time she faced the audience. It occurred to him that if she was tied up, she couldn’t turn around.

He continued to be inspired by the works of artists such as Willie and Stanton into adulthood, when he became an electrical engineer by trade. The “House of Gord” actually started in a pigsty near Mr. Gord’s home back in 1970, and he commented once that the pages of his magazine “smelled a bit funny.” The magazine – later becoming a website – showed Mr. Gord’s devices combined with models towards one specific purpose: “I have always loved the thought of using women as items of furniture, especially if it makes escape or movement impossible. I guess it is the thought of having such a powerful sexual being totally under control…fortunately a lot of ladies also enjoy this concept from the other side of the equation.”

This technique became known as “fornophilia”, a term coined by the House of Gord’s web designer in the 1990’s. Jeff Gord was able to channel his passion for female pleasure and his hands-on expertise into an amazing variety of both static and mobile human/machine sculptures. According to his website, the House of Gord has everything: “…fucking machines, remote controlled dildos, automated vibrators, punishment stools, mummification, time-delay E-stim, inverted penetration, pulsing pussy carriers, pneumatic dildo levers, metal cages, two-woman bondage, and forniphilia (human bondage furniture).” Some were relatively simple, such as a woman turned into a lamp or a bar stool. But some of his most famous included an actual weather vane perched on top of a barn, with a woman bound to the spinning pole, and a mounted fucking machine on the front of a truck where a woman would be bound like a figurehead.

While these might seem extreme, Jeff Gord was always concerned with the woman first. “It takes a lot of thought to make sure each one is safe, and yet looks aesthetic…I like them to look precarious, almost unsafe or not strong enough, even though they are often strong enough to lift the truck with.” Aside from safety, he also did his work out of a desire to share pleasure with the women in his devices. “If the women don’t enjoy it, it’s no good to me,” he told Princess Anne of Stripped-Down TV at his exhibition at the Erotic Heritage Museum in Vegas.

While Mr. Gord was passionately involved in the kink community, he was also passionately against internet piracy, which he saw as the biggest threat to his livelihood and that of other porn producers. He called for stricter enforcement of current copyright laws by the FBI, and worked to find innovative ways to produce content online (including “virtual” worlds) that could circumvent those that stole his content. At the same time, he was always ready to demonstrate and share his knowledge in person, creating new devices and methods for people to express their passion for BDSM.

The House of Gord (combined recently with “Naked Gord”, a website featuring nude women in the devices) will continue to publish content and inspire future generations of BDSM enthusiasts. Jeff Gord truly showed that passion, imagination, and hard work can combine to make miraculous fantasies come true.

“He burst through our world, larger than life, lived and died on his own terms. He will truly be missed, and his art will live on forever.”

Girl Sex 101 – A Kickstarter Campaign

Posted by PrincessKali on September 23, 2013

Sep 232013

Girl Sex 101 combines a road trip story with lesbian sex ed

Kickstarting a new book that combines narrative, comics, & practical sex education. 100% funded in 14 days.

Written by Allison Moon, illustrated by kd diamond, and featuring 15 sex experts

September 22, 2013 – Think “Zen and the Art of Vulva Maintenance” or On the Road with an all-female cast and queer-women-focused sex ed.

Author Allison Moon (Tales of the Pack series about lesbian werewolves) collaborates with illustrator kd diamond (Salacious Magazine) to create a sex ed book specifically for lesbians, queer & bisexual women, and those curious about the ins and outs of girl-on-girl sex. Now through October 19, they’re Kickstarting the book to pay all the artists and experts involved in the creation of the book.

Girl Sex 101 features “scenic viewpoints” by over 15 top sex experts including Sex Nerd Sandra, Tristan Taormino, Jiz Lee, Reid Mihalko, Julia Serano, Ignacio Rivera, Kelly Shibari, Sophia St. James, Megan Andelloux, and more.

Based on Moon’s live sex-ed workshop of the same name, Girl Sex 101 shares practical, women- and trans-focused and pleasure-oriented sex education for people of all orientations and experience levels. The book introduces techniques like the Flight of the Navigator for those shy-in-the-sack, the Reverse Vulcan to stimulate the clitoral legs during hand sex, the Rodeo Queen for cunnilingus when she gets a little “too” excited, the Stick Shift for performing pleasurable oral sex on strap-on, plus tips on flirting, consent, and safer sex.

Girl Sex 101 also utilizes social media to make a fresher, more complete book. Using Twitter (@GirlSex101) and Tumblr (girlsex101.tumblr.com), Girl Sex 101 is asking LGBTQ women to share their own opinions on girl sex, like how they identify, how they met their partner(s), and some of their favorite moves to use in bed.

Girl Sex has changed, but few of our sex-ed books have adapted. Girl Sex 101 is sensitive to issues of transgender sex and current on sex toys and current science of female anatomy. This is a hip, smart guidebook for young women that offers frank, useful techniques and tools to give them the confidence to look under the hood and get their hands dirty. The only question is, do you wanna go for a ride?

==== LISTING INFORMATION ====

Girl Sex 101

Kickstarter September 3 – October 19, 2013 : http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/allisonmoon/girl-sex-101-sex-ed-with-a-story-comics-with-a-lez

http://www.girlsex101.com

Tumblr: Girlsex101.tumblr.com

Twitter: @GirlSex101

About Allison Moon: Moon is the author of the Tales of the Pack series about lesbian werewolves. Last year, she successfully Kickstarted the 2nd in the series, Hungry Ghost. The 1st of the series, Lunatic Fringe, was nominated for a 2011 Golden Crown Award. Moon was a 2011 Lambda Literary Emerging LGBT Authors Fellow. She’s a passionate advocate for independent artists and the democratization of publishing tools. She’s also a sex educator who has presented her workshops (including Girl Sex 101) to thousands of people around the US and Canada.

About kd diamond: kd diamond created the queer feminist sex magazine, Salacious and has had comic-art published in Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation, Tristan Taormino’s The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation: The Best Positions and Latest Techniques for Creating Powerful, Long-Lasting, Full-Body Orgasms. Diamond’s illustrations are also featured in The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge (ed. Tristan Taormino, Cleis Press).

Leather Women

Posted by Ohh on September 22, 2013

Sep 222013

When asked about “leather culture,” one might conjure up images of black leather jackets, motorcycle clubs, strict hierarchies, and ultra-masculine men. In the world of kink, “leather” and “leather culture” can be a confusing and controversial topic. It’s a concept inundated with history and steeped in beliefs and practices that come from a variety of historical moments, regions, and social groups. Yet it’s almost universally presented as something overwhelmingly masculine.

Introduce the idea of “leather women’s culture” and many people are just plain baffled. Yet leather women have been around and making a name for themselves since the 1970s with organizations like Samois, the world’s first women’s S/M group, which was founding in the Bay Area in 1978. The creation of Samois encouraged other “sexually deviant” women throughout the United States and other similar organizations quickly followed in major cities, including the Lesbian Sex Mafia of New York City (1981) and the Outcasts (1984).

However, the emergence of lesbian s/m organizations garnered negative attention as well as positive and early leather women found themselves under attack from all sides. The heteronormative mainstream rejected their queerness, while the feminism movement protested the violence of S/M and claimed leather women’s interest in S/M was “a reactionary antithesis to women’s liberation.” Leather women even suffered discrimination within the larger lesbian/queer community, often finding themselves excluded for supposedly emulating, perpetuating, and recreating patriarchal roles. Regardless of the outside pressures, leather organizations and meeting spaces continued to flourish throughout the 1980s, allowing leather women to learn new skills and meet potential partners that shared their love of rough play.

Amidst the celebrations of sisterhood and growth of leather identified organizations and sites, a dark shadow was forming over the community; the AIDS epidemic was emerging as a force to be reckoned with as it ravaged the gay and lesbian communities. Women, particularly sex workers, were perishing side-by-side with thousands of gay men (who became the face of the epidemic, obscuring its devastation of other segments of the population). The toll on the gay/lesbian community was immense, which prompted both men and women’s leather culture to shift its focus more towards sex education, community service, and building strong bonds of fraternity amongst those identifying as leather, regardless of their gender, race, or sexual orientation. The leather community became a support system for those infected with the virus as well as their partners, friends, and family.

It was in this time of turmoil the idea for International Ms Leather (IMsL) emerged. The gay leather community had launched successful Mr Leather titles on the local, regional, and international levels, most notably International Mr Leather (IML) in 1979. While the competitions were not originally conceived of as fundraisers, many of them collected funds for AIDS outreach and education while raising awareness of the gay leather lifestyle and community. The IMsL organizers hoped a women’s competition would draw attention to the women’s community while allowing them to help the broader leather community’s AIDS outreach.

When the first IMsL competition took place in 1987, it was clear the leather women’s community had grown significantly from the small, urban, mostly white lesbian base that made up the earliest leather women’s organizations. The sixteen women that crammed onto the tiny stage at DV8 represented a diverse swath of leather womanhood. They were lesbian, bi, heterosexual, and undefined; they were femme and butch; they’d traveled into California from the far reaches of the United States and Canada; but they all identified as leather. Judy Tallwing, the contestant that would go on to become the first International Ms Leather, summed up the nature of being a leather woman during her onstage speech. Answering why she was there competing, Ms. Tallwing said, “we’re here because we know we have to let the world know that we’re here…An invisible minority leaves itself open as easy prey for those individuals who would deny us our freedom, our very existence.”

Like most communities, leather women struggled with growing pains. Throughout the late 80s and 90s, transwomen and women of color railed against the often narrowly-defined boundaries of leather womanhood, pressing for more inclusion. When Brat Attack: Do-It-Yourself S/M, a Northern California ‘zine, published a piece in 1992 outlining widespread conflicts in the women’s community, race, class, and trans inclusion were major touchstones. By 1994, clear steps were underway to broaden general notions of leather womanhood when Vi Johnson began publishing Black Leather in Color, a quarterly magazine designed to showcase men and women of color involvement in the leather lifestyle.

With the rise of the digital age, leather women’s culture has spread faster and further than ever. As leather women’s culture has expended to embrace women (and their allies) of various race, class, educational, and religious backgrounds, the core guiding principle remain the same – to create a safe and welcoming space for women of all persuasions that express an interest in S/M, sex education, community service, honor, loyalty, and sisterhood.

Either/Or verses Multiplicity

Posted by MsSelinaMinx on September 20, 2013

Sep 202013

Current research in quantum mechanics shows us that modern conception of “freedom of choice” is a actually a quite limited perspective. The idea that we must choose between two things is a monumental mistake based on earlier theories of mathematics and reality. While many of us were learning our basic math, quantum physics was just a wild little dream in a few physicists’ kinky little heads. We were all taught to view the world in terms of up/down, in/out, either/or, if/then. (1.) This view, while useful in some situations, doesn’t even come close to encompassing the vibrant multi-faceted, mufti-dimensional reality that we actually inhabit. Nowhere is this injustice more poignant than in the realm of love, spirituality and relationships.

Everyone at some point faces the painful “realization” that they must choose between one or the other. It’s broken up marriages, slave contracts, businesses… almost anything you can name comes to a dreadful end when one person desires something outside the context of their relationships and then feels they must tear the whole thing down in order to taste this new thing.

It’s natural to desire variety. Some evolutionary biologists argue that it is a driving force of evolution, for men, and women, to seek the “strange”. It’s been shown that women are most attracted to males with the genotype must unlike their own. What happens in a long term relationship… you come into accord, and that drive for something unique kicks in. It’s not a moral problem, it’s an issue of species survival. Even if we have had a successful procreative experience with someone, eventually our mind turns towards variety, the option of greater success through a varied gene pool. (2.)

Modern religious doctrine is deeply opposed to this behavior… in fact, it has also been argued that religion sprung up as man’s answer to needing to control this natural tendency… By shrouding this behavior in guilt they sought to deter humanity from their naturally roving ways. This was accomplished by selling people on an off-planet salvation if only they deny the urgent messages of their genes. (3.)

By breaking out of the head trip of a black and white worldview (either/or), we allow ourselves the delightful option of “yes, and”. Taking a look at relationships, with a 40% divorce rate for marriage (after taking sacred vows in full view of family, I might add), and an even more abysmal rate of failure for non-religiously sanctioned relationships, we must acknowledge the fact that monogamy does not work. Less than 3% of the mammals on this planet practice lifelong monogamy. (4.)… and among humans the percentage is likely less. According to current genotype research among humans up to 10% of all children are *not* born to the stated father. Obviously all the church in the world ain’t gonna cure man and woman’s need for variety. The craving for strange, new genotypes to mix with is a gene-level survival urge, which can’t be silenced and can only be ignored at great cost and pain.

What is the way? I believe it is emerging in polyamory. The truth that we are capable of loving more than one person seems self-evident. Do we not love our husbands and our children? Our girlfriends and our lovers? But taking that into the realm of intimate relationships makes people a little more uncomfortable. Most acknowledge that they would love the chance to “fool around” with others, if they wouldn’t get caught. Having a lover on the side is a formal European institution. But when it comes to allowing our partner that same freedom people grow squeamish. Jealousy rears its ugly head. And rather than face the unfaceable people choose to clamp down and attempt to control the very forces of natural selection Herself. What an utterly foolish illusion, to think you can control a genetic imperative with your pathetic small emotions and unnatural religious doctrine. Thus, the LIE is born into relationships. People do things, and they undermine the most sacred of institutions in a relationship… Trust… all because they can’t face their own desires, their partner’s desires… and their own painful jealousy.

Once you lie, you are forever separated from the love of your partner. They love your mask, the illusory self that you put up to hide your shame. This mask weakens the flow of love from your partner to you, it weakens the bond.

I have news for you. Jealousy is really uncomfortable. It borders on excruciatingly painful… for a few seconds… like getting a shot, having a tooth pulled or getting a bee sting. These are truly minor aggravations when it comes to losing your family over the need for the loving attention of an outside man or woman.

When we look at the concept of sharing our partners affection and attention with another person it actually brings up our cultural and personal baggage. This is what people really seek to avoid. The pain of facing their own shit. Their feeling of being unworthy, not important, not included, not special, not worthy… All these nasty little ego trips that catch ahold of us and keep us from enlightened satisfaction and truly fulfilling love relationships. How delicious it is to be loved for who you really are. This is simply not possible once you start lying about your needs, desires and wants. (5.)

Imagine if you could have your wife, your children, your lovers, their lovers, their lover’s children… all in a circle of love, care, well-being and shared resources. Imagine how much easier to find childcare in a tribe where half the people are lovers. Imagine how much easier it is to get laid when all your friend’s marriages are open, and everyone wants a little something different occasionally. No more trolling at bars… no more wondering if they’ll call. It’s all about finding that group of people you can really open up to, and letting the tribe form.

The dream is yours to have… when you can face your fear. That lonely feeling when you partner is out on a date… You can sit at home and stew, get in a fight when your partner gets home… or you can shift your focus to something you enjoy and allow them to get what they need. And if you do that with grace and love, then they will do the same for you when you go out roving. You can sacrifice a little bit of comfort for ultimate joy for yourself and your partner. You can sacrifice the need to be right in order to have freedom and truth in your relationship. Imagine being able to say what you really want, and get it. Imagine being secure that you are loved by your partner even as they know you just gotta have some playtime with that blond from the party. This is what polyamory offers us. This is what we get when we sacrifice the illusion that there is “only one person” for us… when we sacrifice the endless demands of our “little self” our ego, and see things from a wider perspective. We can get what we need from the variety of archetypes present in our circle, rather than forcing ourselves into a one dimensional paradigm.

footnotes:

1. Quantum Psychology by Robert Anton Wilson, Chapter 3

2. Sperm Wars by Robin Baker, chapter 7

3. Not In His Image, all of it, but starting w p.38

4. Sperm Wars by Robin Baker, just read the whole thing

5. Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, Conclusion: Slut Utopia

Originally published February 18, 2011

The History of Sexuality, Volume One by Michel Foucault (1978 Random House)

Posted by WidowCentauri on September 18, 2013

Sep 182013

If you consider yourself to be sexually open, sexually progressive, and not a prude you need to read The History of Sexuality. Michel Foucault, a French philosopher circa late 1970s, early 1980s, is one of the most progressive thinkers of all time. His work is some of the most readable and accessible philosophy that you will be able to get your hands on. The History of Sexuality is a trilogy, the review I give here is of Volume One.

Foucault begins by dismissing the idea that we live in a sexually repressive culture. He breaks down the ways in which sexuality has become more and more talked about over the last several hundred years. He brings light to the ways that Victorian bourgeoisie culture developed the science of sexuality as a way to increase their own well-being. It was not until the industrial revolution that traditional Christian values were placed on the sex lives of the common people, and only then as a way to control the population, the economy, and create behavior that was most likely going to benefit to elite.

We have some ideal view in modern culture that speaking about our sex lives will free us of the burden, the pain, of keeping it a secret. Coming out as part of the LGBTQQIIKAP&GQ community is a popular way to confess your sexual preference. Heteronormativity is presupposed in modern USAmerican culture. Telling everyone who you are and what your sexual politics are is commonly viewed as a freeing experience. It is important for all people who come to terms with their sexuality to understand the larger scale of why we have to do this in the first place. The Catholic church developed the confession, demanding every little detail of your personal sexual escapades with the promise that you would be given penance for your ‘sins.’ The sexual confession was rapidly adopted by other social powers, namely education and medicine.

Since the eighteen hundreds sexual discourse has been anything but repressed. Streams of sexual discourse began popping up like weeds as the science of ‘sexuality’ took shape. For hundreds of years people have been talking about sex more than any other topic, as though it has some secret to reveal to us. If you have ever wondered about the politics of sexual discourse, about the intricacies of why our society gives so much attention to sex, you must read this book.

Foucault develops a very plausible historical take on the power elite. He walks the reader through how and why the sexual behavior that is often thought of as repressive developed. As a matter of public health, as a way to control people, as a means to a longer and healthier lifestyle for the wealthy — sexual attitudes were formed and sex became a matter of state politics.

The modern construct of the family is the first core of sexual norm forming. Foucault writes about the family cell having two main points of axis: the husband / wife axis, and the parent / child axis. Both of these points of family are based on power dynamics, control, and Christian values that originally based on an ideology of procreation morphed into state issues that affect the economy.

Read The History of Sexuality and everything you have absorbed via pop culture and mainstream understandings of ‘your sex equating your freedom’ will be put into question. Reading stimulates thought, new thought, and new ideas. The History of Sexuality is essential reading for anyone and everyone involved in sexual politics today.

Originally published February 6, 2011

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