All Posts – Page 7 – Fearless Press

2 Cut, Or Not 2 Cut — Part 1

Posted by Richard Wagner on August 26, 2013

Aug 262013

Sometimes culturally established practices conflict with sound sexual health imperatives. Nowhere is this clash more obvious than in the touchy issue of circumcision in general, and infant circumcision in particular.

Some unaltered adult men; as well as many prospective parents are confused and conflicted about the practice. Is this routine cosmetic surgery absolutely necessary? If it isn’t, what are the alternatives?

This week I’d like to address the concerns of the adult men who are considering docking their dick.

Here we have 18-year-old Chris:

Dr Dick: I’m an uncut male, but am thinking about getting circumcised for the sake of appearance? I don’t like how my dick looks like an anteater. Is this safe? Any suggestions where or what type of doctor to consult? Should I go to a urologist? Plastic Surgeon? Thanks, Chris

Whoa, pup, stop right there. This ain’t like getting a haircut or trimmin’ your toe nails or even gettin’ pierced. Circumcision is irreversible and it can be mighty risky too.

I need to say one thing from the outset. Circumcision is a particularly thorny issue for me. I firmly believe in the right of an adult to augment, adorn and embellish, or in any other way customize his or her body. At the same time I am a furious proponent of genital integrity. So you see my conflict.

There are, of course, medical reasons for adult circumcision. But having a foreskin that looks like an anteater is not one of them. Besides, no self-respecting physician is gonna start cutting on an 18 year old guy’s cock, just because the fella doesn’t like the way his unit looks. At least I hope there isn’t.

Here’s what I want you to do, Chris. Take a really close look at your foreskin. I mean a really close look. What do you see? Veins, right? Now pinch your foreskin between your thumb and forefinger as hard as you can. OUCH! Ya know why that is? Your foreskin is just chock-full of nerve endings, darlin’. Your foreskin contains about 240 feet of nerve fibers and tens of thousands of specialized nerve endings, which can feel the slightest pressure, the lightest touch, the smallest motion, the subtlest changes in temperature, and the finest gradations in texture.

In many ways, your foreskin is just like your eyelid. It covers, cleans, and protects your dickhead just like your eyelid covers, cleans, and protects your eye. Your foreskin keeps the surface of your dickhead healthy, clean, shiny, warm, soft, moist, and sensitive. And there are a whole lot of us who think a foreskin is totally hot.

Your foreskin is a highly specialized, extremely sensitive functional organ of touch. No other part of the body serves the same purpose. You may be too young to have noticed how pleasurable having an intact dick can be, how it enhances your sexual enjoyment. You certainly have no frame of reference to the contrary. Therefore, I encourage you to hold on to your lace curtains till you have a little more experience. Besides, if you get cut it’ll remove 50% of the skin of the cock.

Finally, I’m of the mind that millions of years of evolution has provided us a covering for our dickhead for a purpose. And to remove it is simply unnatural.

So, Chris, keep your skin unless there’s a medical necessary to remove it!

Next month, I address prospective parents.

Originally posted on February 1,2011

Fashion and Self Expression: What do I want to say about me today?

Posted by Nina Love on August 24, 2013

Aug 242013

What do I want to say about me today? This is the question I often ask myself when I’m standing in front of my closet pondering what to wear. I’ll admit that sometimes this question is subconscious – like when I’m working from home and I choose to throw on comfy pajama pants and an old event tee – I’m saying, “I can’t be bothered to put on clothes with buttons.” Other times, it’s very deliberate – like when I’m getting dressed to walk in the Baltimore Pride Parade – I’m saying, “I’m comfortable in my body; I am strong; I do not have to fit into a mold to be a Leather Woman; I belong and I am Proud.” Is that too much to ask from my fashion choices?

In many ways and on most days, my fashion choices are my own. I do not need or expect the general public to understand, appreciate or agree with myself expression. But as a representative of the Leather Community and an activist, I believe that I am a walking bill board. My message is expressed through my fashion choices. Are the attendee’s of the Pride Parade getting the right message? Are we even speaking the same language?

Whether you are making conscious decisions or not, fashion is a voice of society’s views about politics, sex, gender, religion, and power. Mainstream fashion trends change as a direct result of the changing ideals of a social group, or society at large, at a given time. Most of us follow along with the trends without making a connection between the trend and shifting social ideals. This year you should wear a long skirt. Miniskirts were so last season. We rarely stop to ask why.

Trends are seldom started by chance and they are never random. The 1970’s Punk movement, for example, started a fashion trend, in simple terms, by revolting against mainstream social values. The result was a cultural and fashion movement. Anyone who identified with this movement could show their support and acceptance by adopting the fashion style of the group. The Punk fashion trend was not out to sell denim jackets or help move Dr. Martens off the shelves. The result however clearly painted a picture of the times, the values of the social group and visibly communicated expectations for inclusion in the subculture. The outcome of which was a sustainable impact on the fashion industry.

Fashion designers who identify with this social group adopted the Punk street fashion in their designs and used the catwalk as a medium to express political and social views. Designers like Vivienne Westwood, Jean Paul Gaultier, Alexander McQueen, and Galliano explored sex, gender, politics, religion and subverting cultural ideals through their designs. The result is a direct line of influence to trendsetters, fashion houses, buyers and the mainstream population.

Take, for example, the connections between the post World War II bikers and the introduction of leather into main stream fashion by designers like Claude Montana in the 1980’s. While leather was quickly adapted by the gay community as a visible armor and clear symbol of belonging in a subculture, it was the interpretation of designers like Montana that carried the symbolism of leather to mainstream society. Now, not only did those who belonged to the sub culture understand the visual and tactile effect of leather, but so did those looking on from the outside. It is then that mainstream society can begin to understand the subculture and come to accept it. This stamp of approval gained through the appearance of leather on the catwalk made the leather community, for better or worse, less mysterious.

Now, not only can I find a leather skirt at Mr. S in San Francisco or Wilson’s Leather at the mall, but I can find it at H&M. Regardless of how we feel about this development in availability of the subculture’s styles, we need to understand the validation that the catwalk brings to these fashions.

As I prepared to walk in Baltimore Pride, I choose my armor; my symbols of inclusion into the Leather Community. And while the parade audience may not ever understand what leather means to me or how wearing it transforms me, we have – thanks to designers like Jean Paul Gaultier – lessened the communication gap. I am successful if, instead of treating me and those who I stood with as outcasts in the LGBT community, the majority of the audience looks at us and appreciates the roll that we play in the community and accepts our right to sexual freedom.

Okay, Cupid! (and other horny people on the internet)

Posted by Viola on August 22, 2013

Aug 222013

Viola 24, Female, Gay, Available.
Looking For: Gay Women.
Interested In: short term dating, long term dating, friendship.
“No men, no couples.”

I am on OkCupid. While I don’t specify that I’m poly, I list myself as “available” instead of “single” and made a point to answer all of the kink-related questions so that the little picture of the dominatrixesque butt shows up on my profile to act as a filter. I specify “no men, no couples.”

While my profile isn’t very active (I check it maybe once a month), there are usually a few messages in my inbox when I get around to signing in. When I was single, my inbox was a little collection of winks and short one-line flirty notes, but that’s no longer the case. Viola, 24, Gay, Available is frequently propositioned for a menage a trois with married couples in the ‘burbs. Such notes go something like this:

“My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we want to add a third to the bedroom occasionally! His biggest fantasy is watching me have sex with a lesbian, and then joining us, and I want to make it happen for our anniversary!”

(There are usually exclamation points, a flurry of them to indicate to me that I should be very, very excited. Little do they know that I perfected sarcasm while watching Daria in the 9th grade, and such exuberance immediately triggers an eye-roll.)

Replies are usually a standard “thanks, but no thanks, I’m flattered but not interested,” because a treatise on the rules regarding inviting queer femme dykes to join your heterosexual union for a night in the sack would be too long, complicated, and bizarre. But here it is, the full and complete analysis of why it’s usually not okay to proposition queer femme dykes who specify “no men, no couples” on their online dating profiles.

When I originally wrote this particular column, I was fuming and it was akin to a Dan Savage blog post. It has since been cleaned up for the sake of not appealing to the lowest common denominator.

My orientation presents an issue. I’m actually unapologetically attracted to female bodied people exclusively, and somewhere near a 6 on the Kinsey scale. Unless otherwise specified, the general understanding of “female, gay, available” is that the person in question identifies as a woman, and sleeps primarily with female-bodied and/or female identified people, and has little to no desire to get it on with your husband.* It’s a reasonable assumption.

Which brings us to the specific request of our lovely suburbanites wanting to add some spice to the boudoir.

I find it offensive when people ask queers to sleep with them as a form of experimentation or exotic thrill. Somehow I don’t think I would get such propositions if I asserted that I was “heteroflexible,” as usually the message contains a line akin to “my husband has always wanted to watch me sleep with a lesbian” or one asserting a secret, taboo bisexuality that has yet to be explored.

This is more than a “my kinks aren’t your kinks” issue — by propositioning me for a threesome with your husband, one is essentially positing that my preferences, specified clearly and spelled out neatly, could possibly be discarded in favor of cultivating your sex life. It also feels very much like I am your fetish, and not a person. I am not an exotic side-dish to add flavor to your suburbanite sex life, nor am I offering up my mad hot sexy skills to be your marital aid. Assumptions along those lines based on my orientation are absurd.

What the drop-down menu doesn’t allow me to specify is that being female isn’t enough to make me want to sleep with someone. My sexuality isn’t necessarily fluid, and I’m okay with that. I imagine that at least one person reading this would love to dispute such assertions, either within the context of keeping an open mind or that because I am currently seeing/sleeping with a non-op non-hormone trans-identified female bodied person, my dyke identification either invalidates his identity, conflicts with my orientation, or both. (Note: I am not referring to my partner, G. She does not identify as trans.) My orientation and identity may sometimes require footnotes, but that doesn’t mean the physical realities of my attraction to other consenting, female bodied adults needs to change on a whim. And yes, the guy with XX chromosomes is cool with it, too.

Being queer, though, manifests itself in more than who I sleep with. Understanding what queerness means within our society and culture both informs and directs the way I approach the world. To step outside of the protections of heterosexual, heteronormative privilege is to entangle one’s self with an alternate means of examining our culture. I struggled to come out because I knew, without being able to phrase it as I am able to do now, that I would lose heterosexual privilege so ingrained into daily life that it goes unnoticed so many times.

So no, I don’t want to sleep with you while your husband watches. I don’t want to be your lesbian fantasy, and I’m not actually flattered but I’ll tell you so because rejection hurts and you seem sweet, stranger who just invited me to join you in bed. If you wouldn’t walk up to a me in the supermarket and ask for this incredibly personal favor, it’s not appropriate for you to do so from behind the safety of the family Dell, and my orientation doesn’t change that. Think about it — would you, hypothetical married 30-something straight woman in the suburbs, approach the person in my picture in the cereal aisle at Shaw’s to tell her that your husband (the guy with the beard near the canned soups) has always wanted to watch you sleep with a lesbian, and that you think I’d be perfect? I certainly hope not. Don’t even think about how rude it would be to say that I’d be a good fit because he thinks “those butch ones” are unattractive but I’m not threatening. (You might say it with a wink, because it’s just between us girls.) A fairly vanilla dating site with quite a few queer-identified graduate students is also not necessarily the proper venue, either. Wanting to go on a date is very different than wanting to sexually perform for your husband.

I’m queer, female, poly, and usually up for some sane, safe, consensual fun after I get out of the library, but that doesn’t mean I want it with the world. Being poly doesn’t mean that I lack preferences — in fact, it doesn’t even rule out pickiness. Being queer doesn’t mean that I think you’re hot. It also shouldn’t give strangers the idea that I want to sleep with them to help them fulfill their fantasies, fantasies I am not personally invested in, nor do I truly care about. I like to think that I am, as Dan Savage puts it, good, giving, and game, which requires one to care about their partner’s well-being — but that doesn’t mean that I am required to personally invest in making your fantasies come true, kind stranger, nor does it provide that I should.

*Yes, there are queer variations on the theme, and okcupid doesn’t list “queer” as an orientation. The intricacies of queer politics and the normative assumptions made by the nice people at okcupid are not the focus of this particular piece of writing, though there is a definite case to be made for better queer, comprehensive standards on dating sites.

Originally posted on February 2, 2011

What Did You Call Me?

Posted by Amethyst Wonder on August 20, 2013

Aug 202013

We are sons, daughters, teachers, students, mothers, fathers, lovers, geeks, people of color, introverts, extroverts, wives, husbands. We are also queers, pervs, kinksters, sluts, butches, femmes, sissies, sadists, masochists, dominants, submissives, masters, mistresses, slaves, puppies, ponies. But what does that mean?

As I began exploring the labels we use, both within our community and at-large, several questions arose. Why do we use labels? What do they do? Why do they cause such problems?

In many, if not most, cultures, one of the first things that happens to us in life is that we are given a name. There are various traditions around this from naming after a loved one to using specific letters in the name. But the naming is almost given great importance. People often mark great life-changes such as marriage or converting to a new religion by changing their names. All of this to say, what we call ourselves is generally a most fundamental part of how we see and mark our place in the world.

For many of us, realizing or evolving our kinky, queer, genderqueer, and so on selves is a major shift in our perspective on our own identity. So it follows that we often require a new label for ourselves.

Labels, like any common language, are helpful for the purpose of discussion. How do you have a conversation about an apple if you can’t call it an apple? Knowing what to call something (or someone) makes us think we know what it is.

The problem, the first one, is just that; it only makes us think we know what it is. Labels too often become not a starting point, but an ending point for discussion. I know what an apple is, so why would I question that? The label gets used as a substitute for the definition.

The second problem is that like most language, labels don’t mean the exact same thing in different people’s minds. Couple that with the first problem, and it gets severely compounded. Not only are we not discussing things because we already have a fixed idea of what the label means, but that fixed idea doesn’t mean the same thing to the people not discussing them!

Another large problem is that often we don’t even get the opportunity to choose our labels ourselves. We get branded by other people.

I’m a girl. Female-born, female-identified. I identify as a lot of things: woman, daughter, friend, sister, Black, heteroflexible (I used to call myself bisexual from the waist up), kinkster, slut (in a good way), switch, administrator. But I’ve also been called bitch, baby, weak, slut (in a bad way), straight, heteronormative – none of which I accept (ok, occasionally bitch). Does that mean those labels don’t apply to me? I like to think they don’t, but is it up to me? If I label myself a flower-pot, does that make it so? If someone else labels me a flower-pot, does that make it so? What happens when my labels for myself are in conflict with someone else’s labels for me?

Clearly, I have more questions than answers or even observations. I will be returning to this topic over the next couple months, including others’ ideas on the subject as well.

What do you think? What do you call yourself and why? What are your observations on labels?

Originally posted August 29, 2010

Geometry Isn’t Just For Relationships

Posted by MicahSchneider on August 16, 2013

Aug 162013

“It’s a small world, but we all run in big circles.” – Sasha Azevedo

If you’ve been around the poly block at all, you’ve heard of at least a few of the many ways that polyamorous folks like to describe their relationships. Even if you are brand new, chances are that you have come across some of this already. Some of the more common configurations include triads, where there are three individuals all romantically involved with each other, quads, which offer a dazzling array of potential connections between the members involved, and the “Vee”, where one person has a romantic relationship between two people who do not have a similar bond between them. Describing these and other more complex configurations in detail can be a formidable challenge. As I mentioned in my first entry, there are lots of different ways people can “do” polyamory, and the community frowns upon anyone espousing a “one true way”.

But I’m not going to write about that.

It’s tough, being different. Doesn’t matter what it is that makes you different, just that you are. We live in an extremely judgmental society. Anyone that is different is “weird”. Not normal. Other. “Normal” people don’t understand us. They ask us why we chose to be the way we are, or why we live the way we do. Or especially why we’re open and out.

I’m not going to write about that either. Though I think I will eventually.

Today I’m going to remind you that one of the reasons why “normal” people don’t understand us is because there aren’t that many of us to begin with. Lots of people cheat on their spouses or significant others, but it would never occur to them to simply ask if it was ok to date other people. Tons of vanilla folks like a little slap-and-tickle with their sex, but the idea of beating their lovers into a bloody pulp, caging them like an animal or making them lick the bathroom floor clean horrifies them. And since they don’t know (or at least they don’t THINK they know) many people that do those things, it reinforces the idea that there aren’t that many people that do it.

They’ve got a point. There really aren’t that many of us, comparatively speaking. Which is why it is very important to remember that there aren’t that many of us. If you can’t play nicely with others and get along, or if you are a raving psycho beast, sooner or later that information gets around. Keep that shit up, and you’ll run out of us alt-friendly types pretty quick.

I can give you a pretty good example from my own life. A few years ago, I started dating my two female partners. They were new to the local poly scene, and didn’t know any of us yet. At the time, I was living with a female partner. She was dating the husband of the woman who helped run our local poly support group. Her boyfriend helped her run it. A few months later, one of my new partners broke up with me and started dating a new man. It all worked out, they are both partnered to me now, but that’s another story. Her new boyfriend was married. His wife started dating the boyfriend of the woman that ran the poly group. So we were all connected in a large circle, with no cross-spokes. All of the romantic and sexual relationships stayed completely on the edges. They followed the circumference, if you will.

So if you started to date any one of those people, the rest in the chain quickly found out about it. And if you were crazy, or dramatastic, we found out about that too. And so did the poly people that we weren’t intimately connected with. Two of those people were the leadership for our poly community. They knew a lot of people, including folks in other poly circles in other cities and states. You never know just how people are connected, especially in the poly world. I don’t know about where you live, but around here, the local polys are a damn near incestuous bunch. We all know each other, for the most part, and if we haven’t dated a particular individual, chances are one of our partners (or their partner) has.

Another story from my life. A few years ago I was at a science fiction convention in the Boston area. It’s one of the largest around, and has a lot of really good programming for poly, kinky and alternative people in general. I was sitting on a basic polyamory panel with four other polys. Naturally, we all knew each other, despite a decent level of geographic diversity. Before we got started, I jokingly remarked that I could trace a connection to every person on the panel. Much to the surprise of the person on the far end of the table!

It’s always important to remember to play nice with others, or pretty soon no one wants to play with you. That is as true in the sandbox as it is in the dungeon. It applies to every group or community you belong to, even the “normal” ones. So don’t forget. In the poly world, our circles are a lot bigger, and a lot smaller, than you think. While it is possible to be single and poly, it’s not as much fun as the other way.

Originally posted September 1, 2010

Interview with Laurenn McCubbin

Posted by ErinFae on August 14, 2013

Aug 142013

Artist Laurenn McCubbin’s work commands your attention. You can’t ignore her bold lines, her combination of text and illustration, or her smart edgy narratives, which challenge institutionalized ideas and old stereotypes. The Las Vegas-based artist has explored sex and sex work in fine art, comics, and illustration. Recently, McCubbin did a piece where she pulled people aside at Kink.com’s San Francisco Armory to discuss intimacy. She conducted the initial part of the project during the ‘Thin Line Between Art & Sex’ fundraising event, an explicit evening of sexy performances, art and play exclusively for members of Madison Young’s sex-positive art gallery, Femina Potens. I chatted with McCubbin about her current work in progress, sex work, and creating sexually charged work.

I want to talk to you about your project at the Armory, As someone who loves art, it’s always interesting talking to an artist in process and in progress, but first I was wondering if you could describe the project you did on The Upper Floor?
Sure, one of the things that I am exploring in my work right now is interviewing people whose stories don’t often get told in the mainstream art world. I’m trying to get new ideas and new viewpoints on different questions. I was struck by was the idea that everybody was doing things that everyone thinks of as being rather intimate, and they were doing them in a public setting. Not only were they in public at the Armory, but it was also being broadcast on the Internet on Kink.com. I wanted to take people aside and talk to them about their ideas of intimacy and then talk to them about what they might consider too intimate to share in public. I did those interviews and I’m going to give everybody who participated an interview, but it’s probably not going to be their interview. So, they will be sharing these intimate ideas with strangers.

You’ve been with this project for about a month. How has this piece evolved for you since you originally conceived of it?
One of the problems that I always find after doing these interviews is when watching the interviews I go, “Oh man, there’s like a million more questions that I would want to ask.” The hard thing is letting go of the idea of these things that I didn’t think to ask. I want to construct a storyline for each person. I want to be able to tell their story in the most honest and open way. I try not to put my own agenda onto anything anyone is saying. Right now, it’s really familiarizing myself with each person’s story.

What’s the most interesting part about this piece for you, from an aesthetic standpoint?
For me, it’s the construction of everyone’s character because everybody comes to the interview with their public persona, the person that they are when confronted with a camera. They present themselves, and it’s interesting to me who is able to drop the public persona and be very open, and who has a problem letting go of what they project as themselves and letting us see their authentic selves.

You’re work has examined sex in a myriad of ways: from illustrating Michelle Tea’s Memoir, Rent Girl, to your recent gallery installations examining the way sex work exists in Las Vegas. What is it for you that keeps you passionate about investigating sex and sex in people’s lives?
Well, I have a real connection with sex work in general. I’m very much an activist in that I think that sex work is real work. Sex workers are doing a job and they should be treated with respected. For me, it’s very important that that narrative get out into the world. That’s definitely my passion and why I keep coming back to this. There’s also a familiarity and an empathy. I have had the journey that a lot of us who are in the industry or who are in edgier artistic endeavors have where we confront our own issues with what comes along with sex and sex work: body issues, feminism and thinking about how this sexual life can be portrayed in our real lives; again, the border between intimacy and your public personae. I’m fascinated with exploring how people are able to have these conversations.

You just mentioned the edgier side of the art world. How do you perceive it and how do you see yourself existing in that world?
It’s a strange and fine line to walk. Whenever you start doing work that has a sexual connotation you have to be very careful that you’re pigeonholed or pigeonholing. I don’t want anyone to perceive me as that’s the women who does work about sex or that’s the woman who does work about hookers, because I’m trying to make it part of the everyday conversation. It’s also interesting how other people’s issues come up. You have to confront those issues without being really pedagogic around it. You can’t say this is the way you have to think. You have to let people come to it how they’re going to come to it.

For sure. So, this has obviously changed your understanding and appreciation of intimacy both from the experience of creating the work and from your experience in sex work. Can you reflect on that?
This whole process has caused me to look at the way I approach talking to sex workers. When I approach doing work about sex workers—even though I’m a former sex worker; I was a stripper—I have always been removed. It has always been about my observations rather than my involvement. Doing this intimacy project has really caused me to think about my involvement and think about how do I as an artist really step into this in a way that I am comfortable. I am definitely not a person who is comfortable being sexual in public. I have nothing but respect for people who are. So how do I resolve those issues in my work? I am working on a piece right now that’s going to be more about me breaking down those barriers between the impassionate observer (who is just documenting) to being an active participant to a point where I am still comfortable with it…and maybe even uncomfortable with it. I think it’s important for artists to not get too comfortable.

Absolutely. For my final question, I’m going to turn the tables, and ask you: how do you define intimacy?
For me, it’s definitely about the unspoken connection you can have with the person you are being intimate with. The things that I am not willing to share in public—I already said to you that I’m not comfortable being sexual in public—but beyond that, it’s the emotional intimacy that I think is the hardest to really be allowed to be on display. It’s the hardest thing to cry in public or to let my guard down enough to let people know my genuine feelings about things. Definitely, there are some things that I save for my partner and there’s this further exploration of what am I comfortable with sharing with the world.

Check out some of Laurenn McCubbin’s work (some NSFW!)…

Originally posted August 29, 2010

Worship and Surrender

Posted by MsSelinaMinx on August 12, 2013

Aug 122013

All creatures of the earth experience suffering. It is nature’s gentle way of guiding our actions as we traverse this consciousness. Those of us in the kink community have a unique perspective because of our willingness to explore and embrace pain. This, I believe gives us a much better understanding of this transmutational experience. The judeo/moslem/christian tradition also contains a strong element of embracing pain, and urges the relief of this pain through connection with “God” and the blessing of being “saved”. Ways and means of connecting the individual with the Divine are in short supply in this spiritual tradition, however there is prayer, contemplation and of course your local clergy. Coming from the eastern traditions we additionally have meditation and chanting. I would like to include music, singing, dancing and ceremony. If we would like to broaden our definition even more we can include divination as well. These activities take us out of our limited self concept and allow in universal energy which ranges from simple energy itself all the way up to Divine energy. We can be putting energy out there, as in prayer, chanting, dancing and music, or we can be taking energy in, as in contemplation, meditation and divination. In order to experience the relief from inner or outer turmoil one must surrender one’s small self, the ego, our limited self concept to the vaster, wiser being.

All of the above mentioned activities count as “worship” in a western religious context. Folks go to church to be lead through a simple ceremony of worship which may include an inspiring talk, singing, chanting or repeating the words of a prayer… But when we look at Hinduism we see a much more personal relationship with the Divine. People might make offerings to their Deity of choice, washing the statue, dressing it, adorning it with flowers and chanting prayers for hours. In Tantra, one does these activities with their consort, who stands in as the deity. This is starting to come a little closer to our experience of worship in the BDSM community.

In the BDSM community we have our elders, professionals and tops/dominants/masters and mistresses who guide us. Depending on our circumstance we may offer a tribute or offering to our superior, we may clean and prepare their adornments, we may honor them with kisses and various forms of attentive pleasure giving to their feet, legs… or any part of the body. A slave or seeker can take any mundane task and, in completing it, be making an offering to their dominant. We may entreat our superiors for mercy, confess our sins. It is also possible to lose ourselves in contemplation of a superiors’ object of power or photograph for a more subtle exchange of energy.

The act of surrender, of sublimating your will to another person or a higher power is an ancient contract reflecting the timeless hierarchy of predator over prey. Ancient and cathartic, it is a powerful tool for brain-change. When we surrender, we take that power we normally give to our rational, thinking mind and send it instead outward and hopefully upward. In the case of the predator/prey relationship, the one is giving their very life and flesh that the other may survive. In the SM context the bottom gives their will, their body, and their time to the top for mutual fulfillment. In the religious context the seeker performs the rituals to gain a better connection and guidance from the divine, if allowable in that religion or, if not, simply as a form of life-after-death insurance.

The act of worship, of focusing your consciousness completely on an external object or person which you venerate, is a way of losing your limited self concept. If done with the proper abandon one can literally melt into the object or person they are venerating. It is possible to lose your experience of yourself completely and achieve a single pointed consciousness. This state can be put to amazing magickal, religious or energetic use. One may use this state to transmute themselves or their world. Not the least of the amazing things this is useful for is to bring great healing and pleasure to your top, and bring great intimacy into the top/bottom relationship.

You can try this at home!

Ms SM

Originally posted July 15, 2010

Aroma of Concern

Posted by DrBrian on August 10, 2013

Aug 102013

No one wants to go down on the woman with the stinky vagina. So, here is some information that will insure your hoo-ha gets the amount of oral attention you want. Poor hygiene is a common cause of bad vaginal odor. Good personal hygiene is just the use of plain soap and clean water to remove schmegma (Vagina cheese) and the associated odor. Wear loose cotton clothing to help eliminate vaginal odor. Leather g-strings, lace teddies, and synthetic material thongs aren’t the best for your vagina and contribute to odor. Wearing granny panties temporarily can help. It is recommended that you avoid douching. Douching can alter the PH of the vagina and this can cause a shift in the normal bacteria that live in the vagina facilitating pathologic organisms to grow unchecked.

There are several pathologic conditions that can lead to vaginal odor. These include serious sexually transmitted infections such as gonorrhea and Chlamydia, and pelvic inflammatory disease. Vaginal odor can also be caused by vaginal cancer and structural problems such as a rectovaginal fistula (a connection between the rectum and the vagina, so that the sewer empties into the vagina!) A rare cause is the forgotten tampon. This can lead to toxic shock syndrome, sepsis and death.

Bacterial vaginosis is the most common cause of abnormal discharge and a cause of odor. The signs and symptoms are thin, homogenous vaginal discharge of varying color and amount, a vaginal PH greater than 4.5 (normal vaginal PH is less than 4.5), and a positive whiff test. A whiff test is when a drop of potassium hydroxide is added to vaginal secretions and a strong fishy odor results. The definition of a medical student: person that performs a whiff test at 3 am, because their intern made them. The typical treatment for B.V. is Flagyl (metronidazole) 500 mg twice a day for seven days or Clindamycin 300 mg twice a day for seven days. Prevention of B.V. includes fastidious cleaning of toys between uses because this can be a source of infection.

Another infection that can cause a strong vaginal odor is Trichomonas infection caused by a flagellated protozoan. There is an estimated 5 to 8 million new infections in the U.S. per year. It is sexually transmitted and up to 50% of those infected can be asymptomatic. Symptoms include inflammation a greenish-yellow frothy vaginal secretions and itching. Ten percent of those infected will present with a “strawberry” cervix or vagina on examination and damage caused by Trichomonas increases the woman’s susceptibility to an infection by the HIV virus. The most effective drug for treatment of Trichomonas is Metronidazole, either a single, 2,000 mg dose; or 500 mg twice daily every day for seven days.

The last major infectious cause of vaginal odor is yeast infection. During a lifetime, 75% of all women are likely to have at least 1 yeast infection, and up to 45% have 2 or more. Women tend to be more likely to get vaginal yeast infections if they have a poor diet, lack of sleep, are diabetic, or when they are pregnant or taking antibiotics. Vaginal yeast infection is caused by Candida. Infection is characterized by itching, burning, pain during intercourse and/or urination, and vaginal discharge. The vaginal discharge is often described as a thick, curd like discharge. Treatment of yeast infections is by intravaginal medications such as Monistat, or by a single dose of Diflucan 150 mg orally.

Bottom line, if you take care of your vagina, it will smell nice and take care of you. If you have persistent vaginal odor, see your doctor.

Disclaimer- This presentation has attempted to put to together some health information for alternative sexualities. Health Information does not constitute doctors advice. If you have specific questions please consult your doctor.

Originally posted July 15, 2010

Fashionista Survival Kit

Posted by Nina Love on August 8, 2013

Aug 082013

If you are anything like me, you take your fashion seriously. Our style, after all, is a statement of identity and one of our greatest avenues for self expression. So, when I recently found myself at dinner with two of my favorite toy whores the topic of toy-bag essentials came up. When my turn to contribute came around, I had nothing new to offer to the toy arsenal. However, I found myself – no surprise to my dinner companions – having lots of suggestions for the Fashionista Survival Kit.

1. Band Aid Brand Friction Block Stick

Mainly for preventing rubbing between your feet and your shoes this little wonder is amazing and I carry it with me everywhere I go. Not only does it help stop blisters without the lovely bandage flopping around from the back of your shoe, it also – and perhaps more importantly – stops friction between my oh so lovely voluptuous thighs. It lasts longer than lotions and feels less icky than deodorant. So, yes: you can wear skirts and thigh highs without the annoying rubbing.

2. Portable Flats

Unfortunately for this fashionista, I am often lacking a lackey to carry my toy bag, much less my fashion survival kit. So, I try to keep it to a minimum. Portable flats are an excellent alternative to a second pair of heels, flip flops or sneakers. They draw less attention to my feet – “hey Nina is wearing flip flops with her $400 dress” – and take up less space than a second pair of heels. Most importantly, at the end of the night when the heels MUST come off, they keep my tootsies off the dungeon floor. In addition to having the cute ballerina slipper design and fitting compactly in my bag, the rubber soles are durable enough to make it through the parking lot.

3. Body Powder

Ladies (And Men….and littles, dykes, bois…everyone…) leave the perfume at home. These scents are often overpowering and reapplied only mask body odor temporarily. Instead, I opt for a scented body powder. Body powder absorbs moisture, making you feel clean and look fresh, and the scents tend to be more subtle than sprays. I look for powders that come with sparkles, but your needs may vary.

4. Body Wipes

I prefer to pick up a bulk supply and refill my travel case, but you can pick up hand and body wipes or baby wipes at most grocery checkout counters. They are perfect for everyday uses, but are indispensable to the fashionista who is dungeon bound. Perfect for cleaning questionable surfaces, removing excess lube, fixing runny makeup and most importantly (and honestly) freshening up my pink parts before jumping on that exam table and spreading my legs.

If I’m heading to the dungeon it’s true: I will probably end up naked. Leaving my fashion piled on the floor does not mean that I am abandoning my style: confident, fresh and sexy.

Originally posted January 17, 2011

Performative Non Performance; musings on sexual play in public

Posted by GuestWriter on August 6, 2013

Aug 062013

I am a fan of public play. I like what other people bring to spaces. The energy, the voyeurism, a sexy soundtrack. I also like the safety that comes with public play. Knowing that if something went wrong there would be back up close by. So I wind up doing the vast majority of my play publicly – but there’s something I need you to know – I’m not playing for you.

I’m not a performative person by nature. Not only is it just not something really I dig, but a combination of egocentricity and a (apparently) slightly distorted self-perception gives me a default state of assuming people are uninterested in me. So much so that I can find up paranoid and jumpy when people are paying me attention for long periods of time. Like, even if I was a keynote speaker for a weekend event I assume people are looking at me because there’s something on my face or my outfit must be somehow wrong for the event I’m at.

These two facts about me make for interesting bed fellows, public kink and uncomfortableness with performance, I mean. You see, public kink (by virtue of being public) includes an element of performance – in the exact same that all things that involve other humans winds up being slightly performative. It’s like when I dress in the mornings and then leave the house: you’ll see me and that interaction makes is a performance.

I may run through your sight quickly and just as quickly be forgotten, or you might decide to interact with me. Let’s say you do decide to interact with me and compliment me on my outfit. It’s nice if you also enjoy my outfit, and I sometimes I can enjoy a compliment as much as the next person….but I didn’t dress for you. I dressed to be pleasing for me…and maybe a select few others if you caught me at the right moment. But random person on the street, I did not dress for you.

When I’m playing with my partner my focus is on us; how we move together, how her hands feel against my body; how his cock feels against my face through his jeans; how their breathing changes as I lick, bite, slap, and lash out onto them. I relish the connection of touching my partner’s skin; or when they take a moment to breath with me so we can tune in even closer. On the best of days everything else melts away and we, or even just I, am somewhere else completely.

It can be a harsh landing when someone’s thoughtless comments or actions rip into my head-space and jerk me away.

There are only a few occasion where this behavior winds up angering me. Most often when someone asks “when the show” is about to begin. I am not your show. Unless I’m getting paid the next sentence out of my mouth are likely to start with the words “Fuck” and “Yourself”. Other anger inducing moments occur when someone takes my connection, my fantasy come to life with someone and overlays their own. Like my agency means so little compared to their sense of entitlement. The audacity astounds me.

Moving back to the complimenting and dress analogy, there are other times the intrusion is much more innocent. Perhaps you caught me in a moment when I’m not in the right mental state for compliments, I’d rather be left alone, no matter how good your intentions are. I know the general rule is to give people a brief time before approaching them after play; but sometimes I’m not really to talk about a scene yet; even hours after I’m finished playing. And to hear you compliment it or tell me how it affected you just isn’t something I’m able to discuss.

Even further, little moments of ignorance; a called out injection from the peanut gallery; getting too close to a scene in casual settings like camp; seeing something so god damn hot you can’t seem to keep your jaw from dropping – can affect, and I’m guilty of it too. And when I’m aware of crossing this particular line I make a point privately apologizing to the people whose scene I potentially interrupted. It’s what I would want for myself.

Because it’s not about me in those moments. It never is. It’s about a connection that I’m blessed to see, lucky to be a witness to. If I want to keep my welcome witness status I need to check my behavior, my lust and my thoughtlessness and not let it get the better of me.

Voyeriusm can be sexy. Non-negotiated entitlement is not.

Written by guest author Heather Elizabeth from Kinkopedia

Older Entries Newer Entries