Gender Outlaw: On Men, Woman and the Rest of Us

 Posted by on August 4, 2013
Aug 042013
 

gender-outlaw-425x172-1093574Though Gender Outlaw (Bornstein 1994) is a little bit older I chose to review it as my first review for Fearless Press for two reasons. First, it is a canonical book in the field of trans issues. I often find myself recommending it to friends who know little to nothing about transgender politics. Bornstein is a revolutionary author who has done a tremendous amount to advance transgender visibility. Much of that visibility came directly from the publication of Gender Outlaw.

The second reason I chose to review this book is because of its readability. Gender Outlaw reads as a guidebook, pick it up at any point and you will find pictures, catchy quotes, and short non-offensive antidotes. Gender Outlaw is quite humorous. It is a wonderful collection of information the lay reader might not have otherwise encountered. Gender Outlaw reads easily as a light-hearted encyclopedic entry about transgender issues. It is a perfect first read for someone wanting to know more about transpolitics.

Bornstein covers a lot of the major issues surrounding gender perception and identity politics. Bornstein touches on the ideas of labels and naming ones self, understanding sex and gender differences, how people perceive behavior, laws, and the scientific and medical privilege that make transisitioning very difficult for a large number of people. Bornstein touches ever so briefly on many of the issues that affect transpeople today. Gender Outlaw is a very good book to introduce potential allies to the issues that shape the lives of transpeople as they negotiate the lines that define gender.

The basic structure of Bornstein’s ideas are based on deconstructive theory, a field popularized by French philosopher Jacques Derrida. In Gender Outlaw Bornstein attempts to take apart the way western people see sex and gender classifications, arguing that they are not necessary and that activists should attack these very basic binary labels that we all have attached to us. Throughout the text, Bornstein continually asks, “what is a man?” and “what is a woman?” Bornstein is trying to bring her readers to a postmodern understanding of gender classifications. Bornstein coins the term ‘Gender Defender,’ defining it as someone who “… defends the status quo of the existing gender system …” She argues that people with rigid views of sex and gender roles, who continue to perpetuate this view as hostile to difference, are essentially reproducing patriarchy, male-privilege, and all things that go into gender inequality (Bornstein 1994.74).

With simple language and short attention span style Bornstein takes care to give her reader a little taste of many things that represent an uprising of a subculture that is unhappy with binary gender classification, a subculture that is fighting for a new way of understanding and accepting gender identity. Gender Outlaw is broken up into pictures, stories, theory, opinions, and quotes. The thing is strung together like a Burroughs cut-up. Gender outlaw is an excellent read for the novice gender theorists, for someone new to rethinking things like gender, and for confused or hesitant parents of transpeople. I strongly recommend Gender Outlaw as starting point, an introduction to all things trans.

Book Title: Gender Outlaw: On Men, Woman and the Rest of Us
Author: Kate Bornstein
Publisher: Routledge (1994)
245 pages

Originally posted January 11, 2011

A DD/lg Relationship: Starting Out

 Posted by on August 2, 2013
Aug 022013
 

istock_000006300779xsmall-3892039DD/lg First Steps: BDSM Scene Negotiation Checklist, by Daddy Vinnie

The stars have aligned, the sun shines brightly, joy and happiness are on the lips of all your friends and family, something tingles from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.   You’ve met a “Little,” someone with that innocent, tender mix of childlike wonder and naughty sexual curiosity (even though not all “Littles” are sexually curious nor are they all innocent). Even so, she is someone you feel can be a significant presence in your life.  Now what?  You don’t want to scare this vulnerable soul, yet you also don’t want to tiptoe around her.  A Daddy’s appetites can be quite voracious.  Time for that next step – preparing for a BDSM play session.

Unlike vanilla dating, where getting to know someone happens more organically over time, the kinky world has an unofficial instrument for how to take those next steps from coffee to naked fun. Enter the BDSM Scene Negotiation Checklist.

Most Daddy Dom/little girl relationships conform to the essence of a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship. The Daddy is the Dominant in charge of his submissive “Little.” The “Little” is a dependent; the Daddy, a caregiver.  As such, most D/s protocol can transfer to a DD/lg relationship.  Even though some DD/lg relationships do not engage in BDSM play, a great many do.  For those who do enjoy the kinky arts, you will want to negotiate your play.

The whole point of a BDSM Scene Negotiation Checklist is to indicate to your partner your hard and soft limits for consensual behavior and play.  You obviously don’t want to engage in restrictive bondage with a partner if she absolutely hates feeling confined and immobile.  You also want to be aware of any limitations or medical issues that affect your partner in case an emergency should arise during a scene, just as you would want to know if your vanilla date is allergic to specific foods.  Nothing ruins a date more than a trip to the emergency room.

A BDSM Scene Negotiation Checklist can be used for a once-only play session or may govern a long-term relationship.  People’s tastes change and grow with experience. I like my Lolita to fill out the Checklist every three or four months to update it and offer a chance to review acceptable and non-acceptable play.

A BDSM Scene Negotiation Checklist or Questionnaire has several basic parts:

  • Your role
  • Your current health and medical history, including medicines you take
  • Your emergency contact information
  • Your limits (locations, # of partners, etc.)
  • Your likes and dislikes for certain actions
  • Written confirmation of your safe words.

This is the minimum amount of information you should trade with your partner. There are many different kinds of BDSM Scene Negotiation checklists, available in general BDSM books and on the web. Find the one that fits you best, and don’t be afraid to modify it to fit your relationship and purpose. The best scene negotiation checklist is the one you will use.

Most checklists will provide a listing of an activity (paddling, spanking, etc.) along with a scale by which to indicate how much you like or don’t like an activity, or whether you even have experience with that activity.  A typical scale is from NO (a hard limit), and Zero to 5, with Zero meaning “I don’t like this but I’ll do it for you” to 5, meaning, “My life isn’t complete unless I get this activity as often as I breathe!”

In most situations, the submissive fills out the BDSM Scene Negotiation checklist. But both the Dominant AND submissive can fill it out. Dominants have limits too. And a submissive has the responsibility to know the likes and dislikes of her partner as well.  DD/lg and D/s is a dance of two (or more if you are poly). Even though the Dominant directs the actions during the scene, outside of the scene there is an equality from which this negotiation stems. Both Dominants and submissives have desires and needs that their scene will fulfill. The scene negotiation helps you to see if you are compatible (or not) and what is acceptable (or not) to both people.

Knowledge is a powerful tool. Knowing your partner’s pervy desires and limitations will help you create a pleasurable first scene that could lead to others. So as you embark on a DD/lg relationship, remember to take baby steps.  Have a first scene and see about that first kiss . . . from Daddy’s whip.

 

*    *     *     *     *

 

So You Finally Found the Daddy of Your Dreams, Now What? By Lolita Hayes

 

Of course you’ve taken the time to get to know this new person in such a wonderful dynamic: Likes, dislikes, their Daddy side, what they know and love about the Daddy Dom/little girl relationship, their BDSM likes and dislikes, limits, expectations, desires, the list goes on and on. But once all the celebration confetti settles to the ground, what are some things you need to do for yourself and your new relationship as a little?

1. Be 100% honest: There is a reason this is the number one thing on the list too. If you feel like you might be dumbing down some of your dislikes or limits as a Little in order to prevent “losing” your partner, then you need to change your way of thinking. The most important thing you can do for your new dynamic is to be open and honest every step of the way. If you have limits, make them clearly known. You wouldn’t want to give off an impression of who you are that is clouded, so being very clear and honest with your partner is truly vital to a solid foundation for a DD/lg dynamic.

2. Be ready to have some bumps in the road: It might seem that you two are so perfect for each other that there will never be disagreements or even fights. Don’t be so sure. Everyone is a unique individual, and that means different opinions, thoughts, and actions that might not work out within a relationship without some “bumps,” and that’s okay. The key is to allow yourself and your Little side to understand that these bumps are going to happen and that your bond is strong enough to make it through to the other side. You will gain a better understanding of yourself and your relationship with each “bump.”

3. Share and Listen: Communication is a priority in any relationship. Sometimes you need to share and be heard, and sometimes you need to sit back and really allow yourself to listen and understand. Communication within relationships, especially DD/lg dynamics, helps you grow and learn from and about each other along the way. There is never going be a reason you shouldn’t be able to speak and listen to your partner.

4. Let your Little out slowly: I know that overwhelming feeling of excitement when you find a Daddy, and I know how hard it is not to immediately let your Little side out all at once. This isn’t to say it’s a bad thing to do; however, in order to prevent being overwhelmed or too vulnerable, allow your Little to come out naturally and slowly, at the same pace that the dynamic grows.

5. Allow your dynamic to develop, change, and grow: There is no one set way that any dynamic should be. Your Daddy/little relationship is a precious one, one that will blossom slowly over time, and you just might be surprised by how differently your once “dream ideals” of DD/lg will mold into something so much better with your new partner.

This is a magical time for any Little, finally finding the caregiver of your dreams. Don’t rush. Sit back and enjoy this amazing ride together. Remember to be honest, remember there will be some bumps along the way and that it’s okay, remember to share and listen, remember to let your Little and your whole dynamic grow. This is a path you travel together that will be etched in your heart forever.

Congratulations on starting one of the most amazing experiences you’ll ever have as a Little!

The Sacredness of Dirty Lovemaking

 Posted by on July 30, 2013
Jul 302013
 

istock_000010040222medium-425x283-2756915What if your love life depended on your ability to combine your need for safety and commitment with your need to explore your lust and urges? It’s a salient question from any way a person views relationship, but in this context, we will consider it from a tradition currently under the microscope (some might even say attack): monogamy.

“In order for monogamy to work, it has to be ‘dirty,’” writes Rabbi Irwin Kula in Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life (Hyperion, 2006). I’ve read parts of his book many times, its folded pages and side scribbles evidence of my complete gratitude (bordering on worship) for his insight and willingness to take on a prudish establishment in the name of love. “If the forbidden is what is exciting, we have to work hard to bring the taboo into our most intimate relationships,” Kula explains, thereby reclaiming naughtiness for those who ascribe in a higher power. “If transgression is so titillating, we have to learn to transgress where we’re most safe.” Even non-believers can proclaim Amen!

Delicious strong language coming from a spiritual leader makes some folks squirm. Our American culture shies away from opening that hot envelope, of connecting sexuality with our soulful sides, and it shows in our experiences in pleasure and attitudes towards sexual exclusivity. That’s why when I discovered the website, Dick-n-Jane.com, I was immediately intrigued.

“Jane and I both emerged into our adult lives having escaped religious upbringings, which shaped our expectations of a morally acceptable lifestyle,” Dick wrote when I initiated a dialogue on the topic of sex and relationship. Together with his wife of sixteen years, Dick blogs about a very personal topic: his marriage. Their site is nothing short of a salacious union of sexploitations, real and imagined fantasies, and the truth of what it takes to keep a union sensually vibrant.

“Serial monogamy leading into monogamous marriage was really the only path” he and his wife considered for reasons including culture, religion, and socialization. For them, it provided a “safe harbor and strong support for child rearing, and unrivaled quality of companionship.” Through time these sex-positive bloggers, who augment their site with luscious images of their naked selves, grew to “discredit the original bodies of influence,” that got them hitched, but realized that this indelible ideology created the space they needed to deepen emotional and sexual intimacy.

But, and here’s where smutty comes into the picture, Dick and Jane admit the obvious. “As humans, we paradoxically hate routine but love the familiar. We often hold tight to what we know and approach change with caution.” Boredom can be the death knell of marriage, which is why, “dirty sex is one branch on a tree of techniques we use to keep a sexual spark alight.”

Obviously, dirty sex will manifest in different ways to different people. For some, that might mean making love with the lights on. Others will copulate at the brink of abandon, explore sexual fantasies, push against the boundaries of kink or even introduce tantric sexuality into their union.

To be certain, wild and risqué coupling doesn’t just prevent monogamy from becoming monotony, or provide the tight connection to underpin intimacy and communication. After reading Rabbi Kula’s book, I came to the conclusion that to defy the odds and reclaim intimacy in a world gone ‘sexophrenic’, I had accept that my most primitive urges – even the ones I wanted to insist belong on someone else’s mind – came from a deeply spiritual source. Lust rested in the fruit of my loins, and the seat of the soul, if you will.

Overcoming fear, apprehension and sexual shame also produces anxieties, something Dick and Jane see as positive. Taking that leap into new sexual terrain excites and binds. Those built-in taboos that tell us it is dirty are the very key to forging into novel ground with your beloved, of pushing back against boundaries, and, most importantly, reuniting the sacred with the primal.

Not every act of copulation between married folks needs to be experienced with bells and whistles, pomp and circumstance, or blindfolds and feathers. Viewed from a soulful prism however, sex that pushes our comfort zones and propels us towards transcendent physical experiences is no longer taboo, but mandated. It demands that we consider how and why we ever, individually or collectively relinquished our most secret sensual selves to a sense of propriety or embarrassment. Who was I to assume that passion belongs outside the boundaries of traditional marriage?

Regardless of how each person reading this answers that for themselves, I propose that we all benefit from embracing the sacred dirtiness of sex in the context of committed love. One might even argue that it’s a shame – no, make that a sin – to give up on hot and juicy lovemaking, whether or not you consider long-term pair bonding an unnatural choice incompatible with human biology, or an act of God.

Originally posted August 29, 2010

Mr. Unintentional Irony

 Posted by on July 28, 2013
Jul 282013
 

ashamed-2It may shock you to learn that I, who fancy myself a writer, appreciate words. Words have meanings, and using the right word helps us to communicate effectively. I’m also a huge proponent of proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling. Among other things, my love and respect for language are right there in almost every online profile I have. I get lots of messages that reference it. Some people share my appreciation; some people accuse me of being elitist.

However, what I hadn’t gotten before was a message claiming to support my language standards, but written as poorly as anything I’ve ever received.

“well, you don’t know me, but I can’t help but thinking that perhaps its a good match since I can sorta write halfway decent and I am pretty harmless……and perhaps I’ll treat you to some stuff on your wish list if you friend me………”

Really? If this is what you consider halfway decent, I really don’t want to know what you deem bad writing. Or perhaps you are just letting me know you have writing skills, but have chosen not to actually use them at this time. In case you missed it, there are *no* capital letters and *no* periods or other sentence-ending punctuation. (Using “its” instead of “it’s” is something I let slide every now then, but not when you’ve already shown complete disregard for the mechanics of the English language.)

And I haven’t even gotten to content yet!

No, I don’t know you. This is your first impression, and you’re not taking advantage of it.

You think perhaps “its” a good match. Besides the it’s vs. its issue, there’s the not-so-small matter of what “it” actually is. I have to conclude that you mean “a potential relationship between the two of us” for any of this to make sense. But then, wouldn’t it have been great if you had said that? Not to mention, you’re not entirely convinced of this, but you think I should extend myself anyway.

The argument you’ve chosen for yourself is that you’re pretty harmless. I hope this isn’t your only positive quality. It’s not exactly the way to get someone bursting with excitement to meet you.

And finally, maybe you’ll consider paying for my friendship? On its face, this doesn’t bother me. After all, I do have links to my wish lists in my profile. My problem is that this is the only substantive reason you give for why I might want to respond to you. You don’t seem to have anything else to offer. And if you do, you’re keeping it a secret.

On the offense scale, this doesn’t rate very high; on the annoying scale, it’s pretty far up there. If you are going to claim to possess a trait I (or anyone) want, it’s probably best not to directly disprove that in your message. This is not going to get you a response. This is a good way to get ignored, deleted, and/or blocked.

Originally posted on September 13, 2011

DSM Revisions: The Impact on BDSM

 Posted by on July 26, 2013
Jul 262013
 

istock_000020099280medium-425x2831-5336002You may have heard that with the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (the DSM-5), the American Psychological Association had “depathologized kink;” that the paraphilias (Fetishism, Sexual Masochism, Sadism… all of the ISM’s close to our hearts)  are no longer necessarily diagnosable mental illnesses.  This is tremendous news for kinky folks – especially those who have the misfortune to be involved in the legal system.  Courts use the DSM to determine whether or not a party is mentally ill – which can have a huge impact on the outcome of cases, especially child custody cases.  The removal of kink from the realm of mental illness has already had a tremendous impact on “real life” situations: according to Susan Wright of the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom (NCSF): “We’ve already seen the impact – NCSF immediately saw a sharp rise in the success rate of child custody cases for kinky parents after the proposed DSM-5 criteria was released three years ago.”   To put it bluntly: the changes matter – they are important.  But they’re not absolutely obvious to someone casually browsing through the DSM (as some of us are wont to do).  Also, knowing the story of how the changes came about – and who the heroes of the story are – is inspiring by way of reminding us that dedicated, driven, kinky individuals can make a huge positive change.  So this article is divided into two broad sections: first, I hope to explain in clear terms the what the changes look like and what they mean.  Following that, I’ll tell you a bit about how these things came about.

Changes in the DSM through the years

The way the DSM works, each section begins with a definition of the ism, e.g. the paraphilia, followed by “diagnostic criteria,” that is to say the benchmark according to which the paraphilia is deemed a diagnosable disorder.  So for example, sexual masochism was defined in the DSM-III (1987) (two editions ago) thus: “ Over a period of at least six months, recurrent, intense  sexual urges and sexually arousing fantasies involving the act (real, not simulated) of being humiliated, beaten, bound, or otherwise made to suffer.’’  A perfectly reasonable definition, right?  But the benchmark for diagnosis was: “The person has acted on these urges, or is markedly distressed by them.’’ Wait.. what?  I understand “markedly distressed,” but… “has acted on these urges” ?!  In other words, any kind of masochistic behavior in a consensual sexual relationship was necessarily pathologized.  This had to change…

The next edition, the DSM-IV, left the many of the definitions the same, e.g. the definition of Sexual Masochism above.  But it significantly changed the diagnostic criteria – the benchmark by which a doctor determined whether someone had a diagnosable mental illness.  The new and improved criteria read: “The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.’’  So to be a disorder, the sexual interest had to cause “clinically significant distress or impairment.”  This was a vast improvement over the DSM-III, in fact, it sounds downright reasonable on paper. The problem is, if you dig a bit deeper – and sadly, it is often the job of doctors and lawyers to dig a bit deeper – the definition of “clinically significant distress or impairment” included “lead to legal complications, interfere with social relationships.” In other words, if someone with the power of diagnosis found your fondness for cuffs, whips, rope, or anything pervertable to be socially… problematic (to interfere with social relationships), you were in danger of diagnosis.  And a diagnosis of mental illness in a courtroom, for example, could lead to all manner of discrimination – especially in the realm of, for example, child custody.  This, too, had to change..

Enter the great people at NCSF, who through the hard work (described in part 2 below) managed to get the diagnostic criteria changed.  On paper the diagnostic criteria read similarly – for example, the criteria for “sexual masochism” still has the “clinically significant distress” language, but gone is the over-broad list of what constitutes “clinically significant distress.” Furthermore, the DSM-V contains explicit exceptions for sexual interests as opposed to disorders, e.g. “if they declare no distress, exemplified by anxiety, obsessions, guilt, or shame about these paraphiliac impulses, and are not hampered by them in pursuing other personal goals, they could be ascertained as having masochistic sexual interest, but should not be diagnosed with sexual masochism disorder.”  (emphasis in original.  Now how cool is THAT!)

How the changes came about 

It was not until 1973, with the publication of the DSM-III, that homosexuality was removed from the pantheon of “mental illness” (curing millions of gay men and lesbians overnight).   In 1987, inspired by some of the folks who brought about the de-pathologizing of homosexuality, Guy Baldwin and Race Bannon started the first “DSM Project,” a grassroots coalition of therapeutic professionals aimed at removing alternative sexualities from the realm of mental illness.   Through tireless advocacy they successfully inspired substantial changes to the classification of kink in the DSM-IV.  The two also collaborated on formalizing “Kink Aware Professionals,” a listing of kink-friendly therapists, lawyers, and other professional service providers, now maintained by  NCSF.

The more recent DSM Project was run by NCSF, and primarily by Susan Wright.  The revision of the entire DSM was accomplished through the creation of subject area workgroups, and narrower subworkgroups.   Susan heard that the DSM was going to be revised, and when the names of the Sexual and Gender Identities Workgroup and the Paraphilias Subworkgroup were released, she emailed many of the participants trying to get someone’s ear.  At first she didn’t hear back, but then had the good fortune to see Dr. Richard Krueger, a member of the subworkgroup,  at a panel.  She says: “I went up to him afterwards and gave him the 2-minute capsule of… how the DSM perpetuates the stigma that [kinky people] are ‘sick.’ He pulled out his copy of the DSM-IV-TR (he actually carried it with him!) and I pointed to the areas that were problematic – including the list that described what constitutes ‘clinically significant distress or impairment’ (e.g. are obligatory, result in sexual dysfunction, require the participation of non-consenting individuals, lead to legal complications, interfere in social relationships)(emphasis added).  In the few minutes we had, I pointed out that …’legal complications’ and ‘interference in social relationships’ regularly happen because [kinky people are] a persecuted minority – [but] that doesn’t mean we have a mental illness.”

That one contact made all the difference – it gave her an in with the workgroup.  She continues:  “I emailed Dr. Krueger a number of documents that he forwarded on to the rest of his workgroup, including our arguments for differentiating consensual adult sexuality from the paraphilia’s, removal of the non-scientific text, and changing the criteria for determining mental illness. I also sent all of the evidence of discrimination we had gathered with my two Violence & Discrimination surveys, and through NCSF’s Incident Reporting & Response program, as well as the testimony of people who had been discriminated in legal proceedings and by health care professionals.”  Throughout the process she continued clarify the difference between a paraphilia and a ‘paraphilic disorder’ for the members of the group – see, e.g., her letter to the editor of the Archives of Sexual Behavior – and push for the changes that were eventually adopted.

As Susan was going back and forth with the subworkgroup, NCSF circulated their DSM Revision Petition along with statements of people who had been discriminated against.  Many of the people who signed the petition were medical professionals who had seen first-hand how the DSM-IV was used to stigmatize kinky people.  The petition with over 3,000 signatures, and the stories of those who had been discriminated against, were all sent to the APA workgroup.

Although the final text was proposed several years ago, it only became official with the publication of the DSM-V in May of this year.  Still, the work is not over.   Susan again:  “A change of this magnitude needs to be explained and trumpeted, and that’s what we did. That’s why we’ve seen our successes in child custody double each year from 13 in 2010, to 23 in 2011, to 41 thus far in 2013. We still need to do more work to make sure that lawyers know about the change, so they can use it to defend their clients.”  This is why it’s so vital for you to know what these changes look like, what they mean, and how they affect people.  This is why it’s vital for you to talk about this wherever it might be relevant.

Of course, the other reason for this article is to tell you who my heroes are.  Race Bannon and Guy Baldwin began the original DSM Project themselves, inspired by their connection to the people who got homosexuality de-pathologized.  They started this work, but it was Susan Wright who took the ball and ran with it over the past three years.  She deserves huge praise for her proactive work in finding out about the upcoming revisions, emailing the various players, staying current with developments, and working with Dr. Krueger to make the changes happen.  Many kinky folk, for many years to come, will owe a huge debt of gratitude for her passion and dedication.

 

 

 

Erotic Art: A Market for the Likes of Dirk Westphal

 Posted by on July 24, 2013
Jul 242013
 

acrobat-on-high-heels-6154535Dirk Westphal is a German artist whose piece entitled ‘Acrobat on High Heels’ was the Master Award Winner in the Erotic Signatures Collection, Vol. 3. It’s an eye-catching piece: a woman nude except for ballerina shoes, her hands touching her toes, balanced on a pedestal, her hair styled in such a way to almost mirror her accentuated nipples. Highly stylized, somewhat surreal, sensuous, curvy and exotic, Acrobat is characteristic of the type of images that Westphal creates. Many have elements of bondage and kink in them, though it’s subtle enough that your average consumer of erotic art won’t find them too outrageous.

Westphal, a married father of two has been producing art for many years, he has clear opinions about the nature of erotic art, erotic art, the changing marketplace, and the prestige that comes from awards and recognitions. His experience mirrors the assertion by Mark Davis above. “I was very thrilled by winning the master prize of the Erotic Signature competition with my first attendance – but one year later I have to sum up that my economic success has [not] changed a lot,” said Westphal, a graduate of the University of Applied Science at Dortmund, Germany.

That is because, as much as appreciation for erotic art has now entered the mainstream, passion for and about sensual art hasn’t necessarily translated into consumption with the wallet.

“People gave compliments to me – the finest compliments came from the other artists – but mostly they simply want to consume erotic art for free and not pay money for an original or print.” This, despite the fact that his fine art is reasonably priced, depending on size, and whether the piece is an original or reprint.

He insists that this should not dissuade artists from participating in competitions. Westphal appreciates the exposure and advantages that come from winning awards and gaining recognition. “The prize has brought some advantages for me.” In particular, he credits it with giving him greater name recognition in the world of erotic art, and freely admits that publication is ‘very fine for the ego and raises popularity too.”

Most notably, he points out that the being selected by an esteemed panel of jurors is a “fine chapter in the artist’s vita,” because of the “seal of quality” that comes from this level of recognition. Additionally, the prize opened important doors for him. Westphal secured representation by obsessionart.com, a leading purveyor committed to the promotion and sale of high-quality erotic art.

Where will the erotic art market be in five years? Ten? Longer? There’s no clear way to predict it, but as society opens its mind to genre, and artists like Westphal continue to create pieces that are both exciting as well as tasteful, then it’s likely that the success of juried contests and the artists who participate in them will bring more art to the mainstream, and more mainstream to the artists.

Originally posted June 2, 2011

A Rose By Any Other Name…

 Posted by on July 22, 2013
Jul 222013
 

istock_000020101505small-425x381-4883883As of late, there has been a lot of discussion around the new Google+ policy of requiring “real names” from all of its’ users, which seems to have morphed into the requirement of “legal names.” There isn’t any exact and specific policy that defines a “real” name, and thousands of people have lost their profiles – some of whom were actually using their legal names, but someone thought that they were made up names.

A huge debate has been occurring regarding the banning of pseudonyms, and really interesting pages have popped up sharing people’s stories (such as My Name Is Me) surrounding this issue. All sorts of people are negatively affected by this policy; teachers, kinksters, trans folks, queer folks, sex workers, bloggers, authors/writers, young people, and many more.

Why is this such a big deal to our communities?

Let’s think about the queer community, being inclusive of the trans community. Many queer people choose not to go by their legal or birth names for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they aren’t out to their family, or to their career, or to their exes, and being outed could result in them being kicked out of their home, losing their job (in about 50% of states) or losing custody of their kids.

In other cases, legal/birth names just don’t fit someone’s identity. Lots of queer folks shorten names (Jennifer to Jen, Bella Jolene to BJ, Zachary to ZayZay), or chose to use names that they feel better fit their identity/presentation. Many trans folks choose not to legally change their names, don’t have the money to do so, or have to jump through a myriad of hoops to get to the point where they CAN legally change their names. To force members of this community to out themselves by using legal names is ridiculous.

How about the kink community? Most people (although not all) in the kink community use nicknames/synonyms/etc to participate both in the real life community, as well as the online community (FetLife, CollarMe, Twitter, etc). Kinksters use different names that are not their legal names for many different reasons – some of them aren’t sure if this is the right space for them, so they’re trying it out before they jump in. Others feel that taking a new name for their kinky side is a way to express feelings, desires and needs that they do not feel they could ever express under their real name. Still more have many of the same issues of the folks in the queer community – they are (understandably) afraid that using their real/legal names could lead to them losing their job, losing custody, being kicked out of families, having judgment placed upon them, etc.

The list goes on; sex workers being required to use their real names is incredibly dangerous for them (as well as for some of their clients). Bloggers being required to use their real names (and authors too) would significantly cut down on the amount of writing produced, as well as would limit people talking about certain subjects that might place them in a position of danger to themselves, their families, their careers, their well being.

Sexuality centric communities, such as those above, are affected very much by “real name” policies, and are very rarely helped by them. This policy exists for not real reason that is not refutable, and serves only to hurt many people. Speak up to Google+ and ask them to stop enforcing such an un-thought-out policy.

Originally posted September 4, 2011

Female Masturbation: Why the Taboo Needs to End

 Posted by on July 20, 2013
Jul 202013
 

istock_000005328288xsmall-5258709Women aren’t really encouraged to get to know their bodies, especially when it comes to genitalia. They are taught from a young age that touching themselves “down there” is bad and that we shouldn’t touch, sniff, taste or even look at their genitals. Women are taught that our sexual pleasure and gratification doesn’t matter and all of the messages from our culture tell them that their vulvas are shameful, weird and to be avoided.

Men aren’t given this same cultural message (which is a good thing, considering it’s negativity) and are not socially punished for touching or having a fascination with their penises. Men are supposed to be obsessed with sex and male masturbation is considered normal and healthy (which it is). Penises aren’t off limits like vulva’s and aren’t degraded or made out to be dirty or unnatural.

This double standard when it comes to genitalia is part of why women do have a hard time being sexually satisfied. They aren’t encouraged to explore their bodies or discover what brings them pleasure. Female’s who masturbate or hardly acknowledged at all in our culture and those that are usually aren’t portrayed in a positive light. They are questioned for not deriving their pleased from a male partner and seen as freaks that can’t get any. Take this segment, from a talk show, “Talking With: Women Who Masturbate” that presents female masturbation as abnormal and somehow deviating from the norm. As one YouTube commenter pointed out, they’d never host a segment entitled “Talking With: Women Who Masturbate.” The mere thought seems absurd, because men are expected and encouraged to masturbate; women simply are not.

We have to start encouraging women to get to know their bodies, explore them and please themselves. After all, masturbation has many health benefits and is a healthy way to channel sexuality that should be explored. Not masturbating as women can also have very negative impacts for your entire sex life. Women have disproportionately high levels of sexual dissatisfaction, as only 25% have consistent orgasms through heterosexual vaginal intercourse.  Masturbation is connected to this because women experience orgasm largely through clitoral stimulation, which will usually happen during masturbation and understanding how your body responds to touch and comes to climax is critical, because if you don’t know, your partner will probably not know either. If you can understand how your body reaches orgasm, you will set yourself up for much better sex and won’t have to rely on someone else connecting the dots. This way, you will be in control of your sexuality, your pleasure and your orgasms.

So, if you haven’t done so recently, pull out a mirror, spread your legs and look at your vulva. Touch it, feel it and get to know it intimately. If you want, you can even buy a speculum to open your vaginal canal (yes, it’s what your OBGYN uses, but don’t let that scare you) and look at your cervix and your vaginal walls. Get a book on anatomy and learn about what your parts are named and if you have a partner, start identifying the individual parts of your vulva (the whole of the female anatomy that encompasses the vagina but also all of the other parts, like the lips, clitoris and urethra) and using them as descriptors for how you want to be touched, licked or pleased. Stop using words like “pussy” to refer to your female anatomy, since they are vague and in essence, don’t really mean anything.

Finally, get a sex toy. They can be really tools in female masturbation and in discovering what feels good. During masturbation, use a mirror and look at what your vibrator is doing that feels good and also identify the part of the vulva it is stimulating. You can then try using your hands and stimulating it in the same way, to get a feel for how pleasure happens for you.

There is no right or wrong way to masturbate or orgasm, so never feel embarrassed about how you do and realize that everyone’s body is different, which means your body is going to respond differently to stimulation than others, so if something doesn’t work for you, don’t worry! It just means your body doesn’t respond to that particular way of doing things. Masturbation is the gateway to sexual pleasure and orgasm, so embrace it as such. Take what you learn and apply it to other areas in your sex life and most importantly, do what feels good to you!

Clothing, Nudity & Sexuality

 Posted by on July 17, 2013
Jul 172013
 

istock_000004945770medium-425x282-4187556I look back in the past fifty or sixty years, when kink was really starting to be documented for the Mainstream Average Joe, and there is a stunning amount of growth in different fetishes and kinks.  Even the most vanilla person uses the word “fetish” now in a joking way.  A few years ago, when I was still in college and churning through endless papers senior year, one of my peers and I were talking about an assignment she had.  She was taking a senior seminar course at the college focused on warfare and different forms of peace.  Her particular class had been assigned to write a paper explaining, hypothetically, if they would have agreed with the draft during the Vietnam War, if they would have complied, and why.  In a completely joking way she wrote out a “tree chart” explaining her thoughts and ideas.  One idea she had written, which amused me to no end, was one of her reasons for complying with the “draft” would be a uniform fetish.

My friend was, and probably still is, very vanilla.  She is kink-friendly, mind you, and she knew that I was kinky and was okay with that.  However, imagining her in any uniform was very amusing picture in my head.

It brings up an interesting point, and something that I had never really considered till this past year, that clothing holds a lot of empowerment in what anyone does.  It’s applied to religions and spirituality, in the vague sense every community or religious structure has “guidelines” that someone can use to “perfect” or “better” their life, and includes the kink community also; one of the few similarities to every group, culture, or community is the one that separates also: dress.

A half a year ago my Dominant introduced this idea, which was both alien to me and common in D/s, about controlling what type of clothing I wore.  I will admit that I had a little moment of anxiety; clothing is one of the biggest identity markers for everyone.  Everyone has their own style.  I have friends who pride themselves on how modest they can look and, on the other end of the spectrum, friends who get excited anytime they enter a clothing-optional house.  I also have friends who would not even know what the definition of a “clothing-optional house” means.

I am a self-proclaimed tomboy!

Yet this isn’t uncommon practice for mediators who are in retreats with high-ranking teachers, more conservative Christians, Hasidic Jewish communities, most Mormons, etc.  In the less conservative spiritualities, more earth-based, and I will go out on the limb and include tantric in this, special outfits are also put aside for special occasions.

In the kink community we also have expectations on occasion for clothing.  When we go to a munch someone who shows up in dirty jeans and a t-shirt is more likely labeled “unappealing” than the person who shows up in nice pants and a collared shirt; At play parties although wearing all black is a “minimum” presentable look we buy clothing that can sometimes cost over 500+ dollars if you buy with a fair mind instead of going for the knock-offs.  There are opposite ends of each spectrum.  Attending a party while showing up in a long skirt and sleeved shirt is just as likely to give you looks, or having the term “frumpy” thrown at you just as likely if you show up to a munch wearing a latex outfit will quickly get you shunned, and probably kicked out, of the munch.

Someone might choose the modesty route for many reasons.  Some may choose modesty because of religious beliefs, which despite popular belief there are many religious kinksters, or some may choose modesty because of their Dominants belief; sometimes geographical.  Someone from Salt Lake City, Utah and probably would not wear the same thing that someone might wear in Las Vegas.  Someone from a small town, by this definition a population under 15,000-10,000, may not feel as comfortable with wearing something “scandalous” or going out of the house without underwear on as much as someone would who lives in a big city like New York or Boston.

Explaining the decision is always a struggle.  It is easy to explain why someone would want to dress in latex, PVC, leather, or rubber uniforms; it’s hot, others find it hot, and it adds to the “sex appeal” of an individual especially when they are around others with the same kink. Explaining to someone that it is for religious reasons the middle ground between kink and religion gets muddied. There is a fair amount of kinksters who do not have good experiences with religion who gets a “warning Will Robinson” red flashing light when someone comments that what they are wearing is religious.  In the same instances, if both parties keep an open-mind (and is comfortable with themselves), being able to joke about it can also be a benefit.  I have one acquaintance, when he sees me in my Mennonite clothing, asks me if my undergarments are Mennonite.  Being able to laugh at oneself is also an important part of life.

This theory does not come with its own downside.

When the idea first occurred to my Dominant and I that this path was an interesting path to go along we also didn’t take into account the less favorable side with the teasing. There are other kinks and fetishes, some that don’t even make sense to him or I, which people climb the bandwagon for.  If you look at one popular kink site there is even a fetish for pimple popping.  This is one of the ways mindfulness is useful.  Not only with my odd fetish but for any odd fetish that seem out-of-place.   We, as a kink community who are known for allowing everyone dancing to their own drummer, cannot misplace what identifying as kinky means and still accept small additions, some niche kinks, and remember that everyone’s mileage may vary with different fetishes.  Does that mean that everyone who makes a joke, or decides to point out the differences in dress not accepting?  Personally I don’t think so; however adopting discernment on boundaries needs reinforcement and our community needs to remember everyone is human and everyone has feelings.

We search for acceptance, while referring to Cyndi Lauper, search for our own true colors.  If someone was to suggest, even two years ago, that I would be typing this dressed as a Mennonite I would have been overtly amused at that image.

Acceptance of everyone’s true colors, either with a latex mini-skirt, or a long flowing skirt to the ankles, is really how part of our community identity continues to define us.

 

Why Talk About Sex And Disability?

 Posted by on July 12, 2013
Jul 122013
 

istock_000009448299small-425x283-4187611A woman’s friends are incredulously  disbelieving when she tells them that she and her husband, who uses a wheelchair and has several medical conditions, have an active sex life.

A young blind man, who has just realized he is gay, asks his trusted resource teacher to help him learn how he can join his high school’s LGBT GROUP.  His teacher tells him he is just looking for attention and refuses to help.

When people talk about sex and disability, the discussion inevitably turns to sex positions or modifying sex toys.  Necessary topics, yes, but these discussions don’t encompass the full range of considerations and biases that play into disabled people expressing and living their sexualities

People with disabilities are too often seen as childlike,, helpless, vulnerable, and sexless.  When a person with a disability does express her sexuality, she is seen as perverted or oversexed.  Partners of people with disabilities are pitied or admired for their caregiving.  When sex and disability is discussed in the media it is approached with a sense of wonder and amazement, a thoroughly disrespectful approach to something that is inherent in the experience of being human

Even seemingly positive assumptions about the sexuality of people with disabilities can be harmful. Outside the realm of sex, there is a general belief that if one part of the body  doesn’t work, other abilities are heightened. In sexual scenarios, a blind man, for example, might be seen as a better lover because he does everything by touch, or a paraplegic woman might be assumed to be extra good at oral sex.  These are misguided misconceptions, to be sure, but also troubling as they objectify both the person and the disability. Sex is in the brain, and our personhood is in the brain.  No one wants to be reduced to a body—a sexual vessel.

I could tell you more stories. Stories about the research with men who have spinal cord injuries, telling of how they find  that the most limiting things to their sexuality are not their injuries, but rather social prejudice and lack of practical help with things like getting to dates or buying safer sex supplies.  I could tell you about other research, showing that women with physical disabilities often have low sexual self-esteem and are at increased risk of intimate partner violence.  I could tell you about the statistics, statistics that barely scratch the surface of reality, showing that people with disabilities—both children and adults—are too many times more likely than their temporarily able-bodied counterparts to be sexually abused. I could tell you all about the harmful effects of the belief that people with disabilities don’t need sexuality education.

Sex and disability is said to matter because with people living longer these days, more of us are likely to experience illness and disability, whether temporary or permanent.  This is true, but it is also true that while more people are becoming disabled there has also been a social shift iin perspective towards, and social inclusion of,  people with disabilities.  Disabled people are a much more visible part of society than they were one hundred years ago—visible in work spaces, public venues, family activities… Yet somehow this restoration of humanity to people once considered subhuman doesn’t include the recognition of sexuality or amorous feelings.

The harmful beliefs about sex and disability harm all of us.  They revolve around the notion of “real sex”.  There are various versions of “real sex” but most of them end up with a man and a woman having penis-in-vagina intercourse.  Depending on the paradigm, they are happily married, or they hooked up after making steamy eye contact with each other at the singles bar.  I don’t know about you, but I am thinking about all the people this scenario excludes for reasons of gender, sexual orientation, physical ability, life circumstances or, let’s face it, personal preference.  Broadening the universal concept of sexuality can only help everyone.

Yes, there are differences. A blind man can’t glance across the room at the cocktail party and entice you with eye contact.  A woman who uses a wheelchair to get around may, depending on the nature of her disability, need help in and out of the chair, with changing positions, and so on.  A deaf person will likely want you to leave the lights on so he can read your lips, watch your body language, or do whatever he needs to do to communicate with you while you’re being sexual.

The choice to be sexual is the birthright of every single person.  Personhood doesn’t go away with the presence of illness or injury, so that choice remains.

It is up to all of us to create a sexuality-supportive society, one that facilitates instead of limiting, that honors individual choices and realities.

 

A Note On Language:  Among people with disabilities, there are many schools of thought with regards to language.  Some say that the person should always come first, before the identification of the disability—as in person with a disability or person who is deaf.  Some say that language choices are just splitting hairs and really don’t matter.  Others prefer, for a variety of reasons, to state the disability first—as in disabled person or deaf person.  I have chosen to use a mix of language based on grammatical sense.  My language choices are not consciously political.

Originally posted on July 11, 2012

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