Dangerously (bitter) Sweet Liaisons

 Posted by on July 10, 2013
Jul 102013
 

eric-bailey-425x324-8868713I first discovered Bailey because of his paintings of women from the waist down (I couldn’t help but look), but I was ultimately drawn in by combination of birds, beasts, lollipops and ladies.

Eric Bailey’s work is sexy. It’s also sweet. These qualities exist above and below the surface. Flip through his portfolio and you’ll mostly find slightly dressed women, some ‘wild’ animals and lots of pastry. Given the simple metaphoric quality attributed to these items, especially when used together, it might be easy to write Eric Bailey off. Nice pictures, sexy ladies, big cats, cupcakes. However, I invite you to join me and look a little bit deeper.

Bailey’s work is classical in execution: oil paint applied in generous brush strokes on large canvas. His settings are also quite classical. Some call his work glamourous, with their backdrops of expensive wallpaper and baroque chairs. Bailey’s work feels like the someone turned the 18th century dioramas at the Metropolitan Museum of Art into something far more lascivious. His girls are painterly, but still realistique. The paintings are opulent and the bodies  liquid.

Even with his lavish backgrounds and paint style, there is an urban element to his work. Bailey says he finds his inspiration in where “the natural meets the modern.” However, I find that it isn’t so much a meeting, but a melding of the worlds. The concept of otherness and exoticism is something the viewer must interpret from real world knowledge, not artistic construction.  The animals, women and pastries are all part of the same story, the same moment. The viewer knows that the lynx is not a house cat, the women on the settee balancing their cotton candy would probably disagree.

There are non-obvious dynamics between sweets, girls and animals. In “Crave,” Bailey paints a pedestal-seated girl holding a roses and white tiered cake. A leering wolf looks up at her. While this could easily be read as a retelling off Red Riding Hood, my eyes drift to the wolf skin cap upon the woman’s head. Who is craving who in this portrait? Where does the power really lie? Danger and sugar, balance and control. There is also a humor in these works that should not go unappreciated.

I like to think of San Francisco as a city where sex drips off of everything. Not in a crude way that makes you want to watch your step, but in an excited way that makes you always want to look over your shoulder and wink. In a way, I think that Bay Area-based Bailey is painting *this* San Francsico. In stories of the city by the bay, we hear quite often about the gingerbread painted ladies. Quite literally, here they are: the sweets are vibrant, and the ladies, painted, both in subject and form. His girls are almost glossy in their painted light, like candy, wrapped in plastic, painted thickly on the canvas. It’s the cake and sweets that have body. I’m almost certain I could knock someone out with that cotton candy, but that a Bailey woman would melt on my tongue like sugar.

Originally posted July 9, 2012

 

8 Wrong and 1 Right Reason to Have Casual Sex

 Posted by on July 8, 2013
Jul 082013
 

istock_000024225039xsmall-1016244I have a lot of casual sex (we’re talking a few thousand encounters with a few hundred partners over the last 20 years) and I absolutely love it. The vast majority of my hookups have been pleasurable, some were absolutely mind-blowing, some were crappy, and a couple bordered on abusive. With the exception of the borderline abusive ones, all my hookups have left me feeling good about myself and what I had done.

Yet, that is not the case with many people, particularly women. Why? Because people too often engage in casual sex for the wrong reasons.

There is extensive psychological research showing that when you engage in activities – any activities – for the wrong reasons, your mental health and life satisfaction take a hit. But when you engage in those same behaviors for the right reasons, your psychological and physical well-being prosper.

What are right and wrong reasons? Right reasons include doing things because they are intrinsically interesting and satisfying, or they are in line with your true desires, interests, attitudes, and values. Wrong reasons include doing things that you don’t want to do, that go against who you truly are, or in order to obtain some external benefits or avoid material, social, or emotional punishments.

So what are the wrong and right reasons to have casual sex? Here is what I think, based on both my personal experience and social science studies of motivation and health. Many of these will be more often relevant to women than men, but they can apply to both sexes.

8 Wrong Reasons to Have Casual Sex:

1. You got drunk or high.

I know this is one of the most common reasons for people’s hookups, but it’s a terrible, horrible reason to do it. When you’re drunk/high, your decision making is impaired, and you end up doing things you didn’t want to do, with people you didn’t want to do them with, in ways you didn’t want to do them. Even if you wanted to do those things with that person, your ability to do them well is impaired, so it’s likely going to be less pleasurable than if you were sober. A little buzz is OK, but being wasted is not. If you need alcohol or drugs as your excuse to hook up, then you shouldn’t be hooking up.

2. You were hoping it would lead to a long-term relationship.

Casual sex can sometimes lead to a long-term relationship, but more often than not it does not. If you go into it hoping that it will and then it doesn’t, it’s a recipe for a disaster. If you want something more, but your partner doesn’t, don’t do it.

3. All your friends/cool kids are doing it.

Peer pressure is never a good reason to do anything. What other people want is not necessarily what you want. So just be true to yourself. If you don’t like to hook up, don’t.

4. You were feeling down, lonely, or low on self-esteem and thought casual sex would help you feel better about yourself.

I think of casual sex like psychedelic drugs (mushrooms, LSD) – if you’re in a good place, it will take you to an even better place; if you’re already feeling bad, it’ll make you feel even worse. Having casual sex when feeling low might lift up your spirits in the short-term, but it will bring you down even further the next day when the high is over and you’re alone in your bed. Plus, when you’re depressed, you’re more likely to do something stupid you didn’t want to do (e.g., have sex without a condom), and thus give yourselves more reasons to feel shitty about. If you choose to have casual sex, do it when you feel good about yourself.

5. You didn’t know how to say ‘no’.

If you know you don’t want it, yet you go along with it, you are practically allowing yourself to be raped (without the partner even realizing it). Sexual assertiveness (saying yes when you want something, and saying no when you don’t) is something you must learn and develop. People are not mind readers, if you don’t want something, let them know, as forcefully as is necessary

6. You already led them on and thought it’d be unfair to disappoint their expectations.

While it may not particularly nice to be a total tease and then leave them hanging, you’re never obliged to go through with it just because you led them on. Just say no when you don’t want to go any further.

7. You wanted to get revenge on someone (e.g., your ex, your disloyal friend).

Revenge is never a good reason to have sex. You will probably end up more frustrated and unhappy – and still just as angry – after doing something like that. If someone hurt you, either forgive them or delete them from your life, revenge and anger are poisonous feelings to harbor.

8. You wanted some free drinks/drugs/gifts.

If you are explicitly selling sex because you’ve made a conscious and informed decision to work as a prostitute or a porn start – and everyone is in on it, then that’s not necessarily problematic. But if you’re pretending to be doing it for fun while trying to get some material  benefits out of it, that will suck you dry (and I don’t mean that in the good way) and steal your soul.

 

The Only Right Reason to Have Casual Sex

1. You wanted to have sex.

Sex is pleasurable and fun and exciting, and wanting to experience that pleasure is the only good reason to jump in bed with someone you are not in a relationship with. (For relationship partners, wanting to feel emotionally close and connected to them is probably the anoother good reason to do it, but that’s not an option with casual partners, so forget about it.)

There are other good reasons to have casual sex, like enjoying the novelty of different partners, or wanting to experiment with your sexuality, and explore new things, but all of these basically boil down to wanting to have sex.

Having casual sex for the right reason is a necessary component of having a positive experience, both during and after the encounter. It’s not a sure-fire protection against having bad sex or feeling crappy afterwards – with casual partners you often don’t know what to expect and it might still end up being a mediocre or even a shitty experience – but it will probably not make you feel shitty about yourself.

The bottom line

Own your casual sex experiences. Be true to who you are. Do it if you love it and truly want it. Don’t do it if you don’t love it or if don’t want it in any given moment with any given person.

What have been your reasons for hooking up? Am I missing some important right or wrong reasons? Comments welcome!

Make-up Make Over

 Posted by on July 6, 2013
Jul 062013
 

istock_000020466013small-425x306-2358440It’s summer in Florida. The sweat and the makeup are pouring from my skin. It occurs to me, like a wet, humid slap in the face, that I need to make some adjustments to my makeup routine – especially the daytime makeup. However, as a Northeast native, most of what I’ve ever learned about makeup doesn’t seem to apply to the Florida heat. So, it’s time to seek professional help. It’s time for me to get a makeover.

Whether you’re relocating to a new climate, exploring cross-dressing or ready to add some kick to your fetish wear, a professional makeover may be just what you need. Before heading out to the mall however, keep these three tips in mind:

1. Know your budget.

Makeovers range from free to over $100, not including incidental purchases. Makeup counters in department stores or large makeup specialty stores, like Ulta or Sephora, usually offer free advice, tips or makeovers with the expectation that the service will lead to product sales. When anticipating money out of your wallet, don’t forget product sales. Specifically, don’t forget sales pressure from your makeup artist. If you usually spend $50 on makeup, you may want to plan on spending $100. Salons or specialty makeup stores, such as Merle Norman, offer makeovers for a fee. The salon that I visited charged $50 for the service.

Don’t forget the tip: twenty percent of the cost of the makeover if it is a paid service or twenty percent of the cost of the products if it’s a free service. $10 minimum is always a nice gesture, even if you walk away empty handed. I let my makeup artist know my budget upfront. “I have $100 to spend on makeup. What do you recommend I get first?” Or, “I have $200 to spend today. Can you help me spend it?” Knowing how much you can afford to spend and sticking to it will help you avoid buyer’s remorse later and help you enjoy your makeover experience.

2. Come prepared.

Don’t go empty handed. Take your makeup, brushes and inspiration with you. If you’re looking for a specific look or technique, be sure to take your inspiration with you. Magazine clips, web images or photos of friends are a great way to find inspiration for creating your own style and give your makeup artist a place to start when creating a makeup lesson.

When you take your makeup with you it helps you avoid buying products that you don’t need. Additionally, the stylist can show you how to effectively use the product or suggest something that might work better for your needs.

3. Know what you’re looking for.

The average makeover is about an hour. You can only cover so much information in that time, so make it worth your while. If you don’t have specific questions for your artist, chances are they will cover the basics – probably not what you’re looking for. Next time you sit down to paint your face start a list of questions:

o Why does my makeup wear off so quickly?

o Why does my mascara always run?

o How do I get the pinup look?

o How do I get a natural look?

o How do I work with loose pigments?

Finally, when you get home PRACTICE! Have fun and use what you’ve learned before you get distracted by life and forget it. If you don’t apply what you’ve learned, you’ve wasted your money and that is not fun.

Originally posted on May 26, 2011

Confession and Absolution in Catholicism and BDSM

 Posted by on July 4, 2013
Jul 042013
 

praying-hands-2I resisted the Sacrament of Penance (confession) for most of my Catholic life, mainly because I didn’t understand it. If my sins had fallen into the category of “I took the Lord’s name in vain” I might not have fought against it so hard. But the mere idea of telling a fellow human being that I had cheated on a former boyfriend with a married man made me want to vomit. I was unable to forgive myself, so I couldn’t imagine how articulating the truth to another person, let alone a priest, would help or how he could intercede for me with God. Nope, there wasn’t going to be any confession for this girl. I’d just try to live with the guilt while silently beating myself up about all the mistakes I had made, thank you very much.

For those of you as confused about confession as I was, the Sacrament of Penance stems from Christ’s appearance to the apostles after his resurrection. Breathing on them, he said: “Receive the Holy Spirit. For those whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven; for those whose sins you retain, they are retained” (John 20:22-23). Catholics believe that the sacrament is a sign of inner grace. So the outward sign, or action, is the absolution that the priest grants to the penitent. If I had gone to confession, the priest would have forgiven me of my sins, reconciling me (the penitent) to God.

Catholics believe that when we sin, we deprive ourselves of God’s grace. And without God’s grace, it becomes easier and easier to sin. The only way to stop the cycle is to acknowledge our sins, to repent of them, and to ask God’s forgiveness. Then through the Sacrament of Confession, grace can be restored to our souls, and we can once again resist sin. Ironically, it wasn’t until I came out as kinky and found myself in a formal Dominant/submissive relationship that I understood how helpful confession and absolution could be in the healing process.

In my D/s relationship, I agreed to accomplish three tasks every week. This is in addition to other protocols that we’ve agreed to like texting good morning and good night. The tasks are ones that I choose, like writing two chapters of my new novel, and they’re things that will directly benefit my personal life and career. There also penalties for not completing them—cane strikes for each missed task. The first time I failed to complete a task, I was not only embarrassed but I felt guilty too. The task was for my direct benefit yet I failed to give it the time and attention needed to finish it. And to exacerbate the failure, I didn’t report it to my Dominant. I didn’t lie, but I didn’t present the information. I skulked around the subject, and I felt terrible.

Finally Sir addressed the uncompleted task and my silence on the matter. When he tallied up my “sins,” the number of cane strikes caused my stomach to plummet. I had the thought that I would never be able to endure it, but Sir pointed out that once the punishment was over, the slate would be wiped clean. After the caning, I would be in good standing with him and, more importantly, with myself. Through the physical act of punishment, I would be able to let go of all of the guilt, embarrassment and shame—a physical scourging to absolve me emotionally.

We joked about the parallels between my punishment and going to confession, but there’s a kernel of truth there. Feeling freed from a transgression, imbued with God’s grace in Catholic terms, can be an essential part of the healing process. Those cane strikes freed me of my failure to my Dominant and my failure to myself. I faced next week with renewed faith in myself and enthusiasm for a new set of tasks. It doesn’t mean that I’m never going to make another mistake, but I don’t feel anchored down by my guilt for the past ones. I finally understand the possibilities of grace, so I’m going to confession too. There’s more healing needed, and I think the Sacrament of Penance can help me with that. Between my Dominant’s eagle eye and confession with my priest, I think my slate is going to be really, really clean.

Starting out in the DD/lg Community

 Posted by on July 2, 2013
Jul 022013
 

istock_000021041854xsmall-5441267This article is written by, and for adults engaging in consensual age-play

By Daddy Vinnie

You’ve finally realized it: you are a Daddy! You may be new to or have a lot of experience in the BDSM community. Either way, somewhere inside the feelings of Daddyhood have bubbled to the surface. So now how do you find a Little to complement your inner Daddy?

First, be yourself. Daddies come in all shapes, sizes, ages, genders, and experience levels. A Daddy is as much a mindset as it is a role.  In DD/lg role play, Daddy is the caregiver. Daddies nurture, guide, mentor, and provide unqualified support for their Littles. They are their Littles’ number one fan and cherish them beyond all else. You cannot fake this kind of behavior. If you possess these qualities – and most feeling people do – you have Daddy-ness inside of you.

Second, consider wearing a nice suit and tie. Everybody has his own style, even Daddies. Some wear the customary leather of the BDSM community. Others were jeans and t-shirts. But there is something impeccable and impressive about a Daddy in a suit and tie. Most Littles love the look of Daddy all dressed up. In my experience, wearing a suit and tie helps to bring my little girl’s Little side to the surface. In fact, I’ve taken to wearing pink ties that my Lolita just melts over.

Third, when meeting a potential Little for the first time, do so in a group setting. BDSM socials allow the opportunity to chat with others who are into BDSM and meet and make new friends. The group setting also mitigates the “creeper” issue.  An older Daddy trying to meet a Little privately that he just met online sets off the “creeper” alarm in most circles. The BDSM community is small and looks after its own. It’s difficult to shake a “creeper” reputation once gained.

In addition to avoiding the “creeper” vibe, try to avoid being a “Desperate Daddy.” You know the type, fresh out of a relationship, desperately wanting to make a connection with someone, such as an impressionable, vulnerable young woman who “needs” you. The BDSM community has many desperate Daddies and Littles who engage in serialized DD/lg relationships, mostly online. Desperate Daddies and Littles hook up and break up with the clockwork regularity of Jr. High Schoolers. If you are newly single, take a bit of time to renew your sense of self before searching for a Little.

Finally, go slow. The special bond between Daddy and Little goes far beyond role play. Take some time to get to know each other so you are sure that this Little is right for you. Revel in the particular activities that define your interests in DD/lg, whether that’s coloring, shopping for bows, playing at the park, going out for coffee and dinner, taking in community munches and play parties, or taking walks and holding hands. This is important time spent to know each other on a level separate from your DD/lg interests.

With a measure of common sense and high regard for the community and others, I’m sure you will find a Little whom you can cherish from the tips of her toes to the ends of her pigtails.   Good luck!

 

By Lolita Hayes

You’re finally ready to get out in your local BDSM community, meet other Littles, and (oh my goodness) maybe even find a caregiver! Well, let’s talk about some important things you need to think about first. How can you get out into the local community safely?

If at all possible, go with someone you already know. Make sure it’s a public event at a public venue and that someone knows where you are. You can never be too safe. Before you attend your first event, send a message to a group leader (or three) and introduce yourself, something like, “Hi there, I’m ____ and I’m a new Little in the community. I’m a bit nervous about going to events for the first time and I was wondering if you have any advice or perhaps you could help introduce me around?” I can promise you that most community leaders are going to be very friendly and welcome you with open arms.

I was nervous for my first event, too. I didn’t have anyone to go with, and I was worried about what I might experience. I sent an email to a group leader and explained that I was new. She met me at the event, helped me get comfortable, and introduced me around! She even gave me some polite advice on who was or wasn’t safe to be around (there is always a risk of bumping into someone with a “creep factor” and it’s nice to have someone looking out for you). In the end, I had a wonderful experience, and my initial concerns were set at ease.

If someone wants to meet you for a date, the same common sense rules for “vanilla” dating apply. Don’t meet someone privately. Go somewhere for coffee. Always let a friend know where you will be. It’s helpful to have an “out” too, a friend who can call you a half-hour in to see if you need to make an exit. DON’T let anyone pressure you into anything. Until you’ve established a serious relationship, no one owns you. You are in control. If someone demands you submit on a first date, oh my, RUN! That behavior is completely inappropriate. Be honest, be clear, and be safe.

Don’t feel pressured into letting your Little side out if you’re nervous. Just do what is most comfortable for you. If that means being a bit guarded, that’s okay. However, if you’re a bubbly outgoing Little who wants to meet everyone, that’s okay too. Make sure to be polite though. It’s not okay to run up and start hugging anyone and everyone. Community protocol dictates that it’s ALWAYS best to ASK first before you touch anyone, period. Everyone has a right to say no. Respect is important at all times.

What to expect at some of the more generic events:

Munches: Social gatherings at restaurant type places where kinky people get together to eat, drink, and socialize.

Discussion Groups: People gather to discuss specific topics. Sometimes groups have pre-written questions like, “What are some struggles you face as a slave in your vanilla life?”

Demo/Education Classes: Venues where community experts demonstrate a specific topic like flogging or electric play.

These are perfect community events to get started at. Soon, you’ll make new friends and attend all sorts of events, even play parties!

My advice on where to start looking for community events:

www.Fetlife.com

Look in your local city (or the nearest larger city), pick some groups that appeal to you, and start sending some friendly messages. Much like any social network, Fetlife is a perfect place to meet others (Kinksters) in your area!

Just make sure you remember to be safe, ask questions, by respectful, meet new people, and have fun!

xoxo,

Lolita

[Editors Note: We also have quite a bit of age-play information on our sister site KinkAcademy.com]

 

Lies We Tell Ourselves

 Posted by on June 30, 2013
Jun 302013
 

istock_000023904802xsmall-3802540Self-Deception in the Postmodern Age

Studies have shown that the average person lies several times a day. Sometime the lies are little untruths – “That new haircut looks great.” Other times they’re pretty major and could lead to life changing actions were the truth to come out. Take a moment to consider all the stories of politicians and celebrities who’ve fallen from grace due to lying to the public about any number of things from infidelity to money laundering. Almost every person on the planet has seen or participated in some form of deception in their lifetime. While we typically like to think that our misdirections are for the “greater good,” if we’re honest with ourselves our motivation for telling lies is usually to make our own lives easier. And, while any deception we engage in has its own inherent likelihood to harm, the lies we tell ourselves are by far the most dangerous.

The philosopher Immanuel Kant said that lying is morally wrong. He argued that all people are born with human dignity or what he called an “intrinsic worth.” This intrinsic worth derives from humans ability to make their own decisions, set their own goals, and guide their conduct by reason. Kant believed that human rationale made us unique creatures. To be human, according to Kant, is to have the rational power of free choice; to be ethical, is to respect that power in oneself and others.

By Kant’s standards, lies are morally wrong on two grounds. First, deception corrupts the most vital quality of humanness: the ability to make unhampered, rational choices. Each lie told challenges the portion of a person that gives him/her moral worth. Second, lies deprive others of their ability to choose rationally. When lies prompt individuals to choose a path other than they would have had they known the truth, their human dignity and autonomy has been discounted and harmed according to Kant. He believed that in order to truly value ourselves and others, we must avoid damaging, interfering with, or misusing the ability to make free decisions. In essence, we should speak to one another truthfully.

If we assume that Kant is right in his assertion that lying corrupts the most important aspects of our personhood and denies us the ability to choose our paths in life rationally and freely, it stands to reason that self-deception is more harmful than lying to others. Self-deception, or what Paulhus terms auto-illusion, is best defined as an honest belief in a false characteristic of the self due to cognitive or informational biases. By deceiving ourselves, we limit our ability to be truthful to the people around us because we ourselves are unaware of the falseness of our statements. Thus, failing to respect their intrinsic worth and condemn ourselves to a life half-lived, in which we stumble through our days only moderately aware of the choices available to us.

In a society that espouses the importance of honest communication amongst individuals, self-deception can prove a major challenge to engaging in meaningful interactions. After all, we can hardly be expected to be truthful and direct with those around us, if we cannot be honest with ourselves. As we over- or underestimate what we can do, need, or want, we limit our own and others ability to help us achieve the things we desire. We become content to live within the bare minimum of our potential and character, to afraid to step out and risk disapproval, failure, and other negative responses; although, often we’re even more afraid that we will succeed and be expected to constantly perform and embody a higher standard.

Clearly, self-deception is an issue worth examining, as we seek to better understand ourselves and the world around us. A Time magazine cover story once claimed, “Lies flourish in social uncertainty, when people no longer understand, or agree on, the rules governing their behavior toward one another.” More likely, the problem is that too few persons are comfortable accepting the plethora of responses than may accompany the truth when facing a situation that tempts a lie. Either way, it seems that the solution to our dissatisfaction begins with acknowledging the value of ethical reasoning, continues with the ability to acknowledge and accept our own truths, and ends with a commitment to treat ourselves and those around us with honesty and integrity. In order to accomplish this, we must determine what holds us back from our own truths and keeps us lying to ourselves.

Originally posted May 17, 2011

The Atheist And The Goddess

 Posted by on June 28, 2013
Jun 282013
 

istock_000014151814xsmall-3945321Mistress, GODDESS, PLEASE!!! I long to be yours and to serve you! My body is prone at your feet!

You are the most beautiful woman ever… Goddess you are superior to me…! i am not worthy to kiss Your lovely toes…

I’m a female dominant, which means opening up my inbox means being ready for a torrent of people to whom hyperbole is a means of self expression. I don’t think I’m Helen of Troy (poor girl) and I’m generally well grounded in the fact that I’m actually a pretty typical human- I might be a little weird, but I’m still, on a fundamental level, more a part of the human race than apart from it. I also, incidentally, happen to be as kinky as a cheap garden hose and comfortably atheist.

Say atheist and a certain segment of the population will imagine an angry little man hurling insults at Muslims and western women and blaming religious thinking for every evil that ever befell mankind from small pox to soil erosion. Or, you end up with a scramble- no, I’m not one of those atheists! I’m like, Carl Sagan! (A secular humanist in love with Science.) I’m neither kind, falling into it from upbringing and preferring a tidy universe.

Although many humans are religious/spiritual or some such, kinky people seem to contain a reasonable percent of non-religious, as well as an equal percent of the fringe faithful, who generally end up in things like modern Paganism or other groups that encourage a DIY approach to spiritual fulfillment. In kink, some people even like the idea of Tantric rituals. Other people appropriate religious stuff from Christian memes, from naughty nun play to getting themselves crucified. And, religiosity often goes in very kinky directions- ask any faith with saints or martyrs (ie most of them) and you’ll get a tour of the freaky (and fun) side of the human psyche.

Going back to the dudes in my inbox though- what you have there, is fundamentally speaking, religion just as much as sexuality. They are casting me (non-consensually in this case) into the role of a Goddess, as surely as any cult or temple ever did.

D/s is particularly ripe for religious feelings. There is the High, and the low. There is sweeping, uplifting adoration and abject debasement. People having fun with it often get a feeling of being part of something that’s greater than the sum of its individual parts. I am, to some people, the literal embodiment of a goddess.

It’s much more than a guy getting his dick hard. It seems like, for a certain percent of subs, hoisting their dominant up as high as possible sends them to the same blissed out place normally achieved by the faithful with regular rosaries, spinning dances and soaring architecture that makes good use of light. Which is where I think my atheism is the party pooper- I think those feelings are real and good and valuable- I just don’t believe that they are going anywhere beyond the ecstasy of the supplicant. But even, sometimes, among people who don’t use the term “Goddess”, I can see what they’re saying isn’t just flattery, it’s prayers.

I usually tell strangers to knock it off. Much how I think that the real life living goddess cults have a problematic legacy (the Hindi ones, for example, deny a little girl an education or support after she hit puberty), I’m not sure it is fair to have it projected onto me, no matter how real it is, without the control of the person who has it- otherwise to be an avatar that way is an obliteration of the self.

This is one of the reasons why dominance is so bloody personal, but I think also something everyone had to deal with. Being beatified or revered scrubs away aspects of your personality that didn’t have anything to do with your saint hood. Even your visual representations start getting a creative glow. It’s no wonder that living goddess cults generally fire the child around puberty- that’s when they generally start expressing opinions that might bother the worshipers. The legacy of successive Dali Lamas has to make allowances for the fact that historically, many of them were more interested in partying than Nirvana, while saints and prophets are usually conveniently dead. I think women are particularly vulnerable to subversion of self as a part of sexism- Madonna/whore complexes being a very good example, and even fem-sub feels like it has some sort of pedestal lurking in the wings in some dynamics.

But I think, even as an atheist who doesn’t believe in a literal magic or literal omnipotent non-human intelligence underlying the universe, that dominants of both genders have a particular tendency to be a vessel of the sensation of experiencing the divine for other people. While the religious flail themselves into trances in street parades and devotional penance, masochists stretch their bodies out, sometimes to be punished and sometimes just to go straight into the bliss of pain.  All those inbox pleas, some of them are wanking, of course, but sometimes you can feel the need to believe. They’re prayers.

And it can be a very strange and powerful feeling to know of all the roles you might mimic in your dominance: nobility, slaveholder, pet owner, parent, that you and you loved one(s) may, of all things be a conduit to the divine. Although it is no more correct that a stranger should make me their deity as their pet owner, if you love and know the person, the reward is being someone’s constancy. It’s rare that dominants actually deserve half the gratitude we’re given, but sometimes the loving thing to do is to take it and be grateful that the submissive can feel that way.

It’s also very affirming, as an atheist, that it’s possible for you to do that, and for what feels like the divine to exist, and to even be that to someone. The universe stays tidy, the sub is content and it’s got that sort of continuation of what it means to be human that feels so satisfying when an old chapel becomes a library rather than being knocked down.

This is a Guest Post from Miss Pearl, you can find her website here.

Miss Pearl is a Canadian female dominant who loves male subs (and the odd female sub!). She writes erotica and informative content, including how tos, rants and raves, reviews and is the sometimes dis-organizer of the local 18-35 munch.

She’s an active blogger over at www.omisspearl.com, and when she’s not working on kink-in-text projects, she writes for pay in Vanilla land. She’s a big fan of treating sex like a playful, imaginative full contact sport and thinks informed consent is sexy and being healthy means having fun.

 Spirituality  Comments Off on The Atheist And The Goddess

How does gender identity affect body image?

 Posted by on June 26, 2013
Jun 262013
 

close-up-of-a-hispanic-woman-holding-a-scale-in-her-living-room-2There are always a lot of conversations, books, articles and talks given on body image. We are told of the staggering statistics around eating disorders and told of how the media glorification of unrealistic bodies shatters self-esteem. Of the heart-wrenching stories of 8 year-olds dieting because they think they are too fat. However, we don’t often hear of these conversations in the framework of gender and sexuality.

One’s gender identity certainly has an effect of their body image and how they view themselves. Certainly, your body, sex and gender identity all tie in to one another very intimately and have complex connections and relationships to one another. There is also a complex relationship between the media and how we view our bodies; the messages differ for men and women and trans folk are nearly invisible.

According to a study published in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology that studied the impact of gender difference in relation to beliefs about body image, “women had more negative body-image evaluations, greater investments in their appearance, and more frequent, cross-situational body-image dysphoria (Muth, Cash 1438-52)[1].” Not surprising, since from birth females are socialized to accept that their appearance is the most valuable thing about them and that without being pretty, thin, white and conventionally attractive, they would never be happy or find worth.

A meta-analysis of 222 studies of body image and gender differences conducted by Feingold and Mazzella found that there were “dramatic increases in the numbers of women among individuals who have poor body image[2].” Although women are disproportionally affected by negative body image, there is a bias in science as this analysis showed that a vast majority of the research conducted on these issues only featured women participants.

Although, even though women are suffering more from the pressure to look good, that doesn’t mean men do not feel the pressure too. Although only about 10% of patients seeking treatment for eating disorders are male[3] (a figure that has been on the rise in recent years). 24% of adult men are trying to lose weight and 41% of men are dissatisfied with their weight. A study conducted by Nemeroff, Stein, Diehl, and Smolak suggested that men might be receiving more messages from media outlets encouraging dieting, developing muscle tone and plastic surgery[4].

 

Eating disorders also highlight differences in gender by research showcasing differences in sexuality between men and women who are affected by them. Research has shown that men with eating disorders are more likely to not have a sexual relationship or have been sexually active than women with eating disorders4. The reason for this has not been quite clear, although another study found that a very high amount of men with anorexia nervosa had low production levels of testosterone, the neurotransmitter responsible for sexual desire[5]. That’s not the only feature of gender difference though, since there are disproportionate numbers of men who identify as gay who have eating disorders[6] and similarly, those who are gay are thought to have a heightened risk of developing an eating disorder[7]. This could be attributed to the fact that in gay culture there is a higher priority set for being thin than in other social spaces. This means that men in these circles are internalizing these messages and thus taking out this message on their bodies.

 

All of this research shows the differences in gendered body image, but what’s at the heart of this issue is the strict division our society has between men and women. The gender binary means that there are differing messages for men and women as to what their bodies should look like based on our misconstrued ideas about what it means to be a “real” man or woman. If we took all of that away and spread the message of body positivity and body acceptance for men and women of all shapes and sizes, then we wouldn’t even have body image issues as a culture to begin with! We would be too busy loving ourselves and appreciating the beauty that in the human form of those of all shapes and sizes. We have to realize that until we accept that these messages around body image that men and women are receiving are not okay and not productive and the only way that we will stop seeing a culture of self-hate is through learning how to love ourselves and our bodies for what they are; beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are higher priced sex toys really worth it?

 Posted by on June 25, 2013
Jun 252013
 

good-sex-toy-425x283-5580074Yes.

Why? It’s 2013 and your sex toys are stuck in the 90’s.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of sex toys? Tacky neon-colored phallic objects that need batteries and are made from plastic and smells like… plastic. No wonder why the idea of bringing these things to bed (much less putting them inside one’s body) causes many of people to cringe!

In recent years, a new category of sex toys has started to emerge with a mission to re-imagine the traditional sex toy. Technology, innovation, and design have improved every aspect of our lives, and it’s time sex toys benefit from progress. 

Most high quality sex toys are actually under $200.  Yes — that still is a lot of money. But so is an iPhone, a flat screen tv, and a nice dinner out.

Here’s what you get when you spend more:

1. Better performance

A cheap vibrator will get you off, but it might only last for a few uses. Also, how loud and powerful is it? High quality sex toys have quieter and more powerful motors. That means no one will hear you from the next room (unless you are a screamer!), and they allow for more variety with multiple speeds and settings.

2. A more discreet toy

Ancient Egyptians invented phallic dildos.  That wonderful design has not changed in thousands of years… until now!  A luxury sex toy looks more like an art object or iPhone accessory.  It most certainly doesn’t look like the rabbit sex toy from Sex and the City. People all over the world are starting to leave their sex toys out on their nightstands!

3. Say goodbye to batteries and say hello to the remote control

You read that correctly. Let’s not forget that it is 2013. Have you ever tried to use your vibrator and realized that you forgot to buy batteries? Say goodbye to those frustrations. High quality sex toys are usually rechargeable. Plus, some of these toys are so advanced that they are remote controlled. Your partner can operate your sex toy from across the room… or across the world.

4. Waterproof toys

The fun no longer has to end at the bath/shower door.  Most high quality sex toys are 100% waterproof.  Swimming pool?  Hot tub?  Sauna?  Lake?  Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes!  Water is no longer the enemy!

5. Body-safe materials

Did you know that most sex toys are toxic? That’s why they are so cheap! Most toys are made with plastics or silicones that include chemicals. Unlike regular sex toys, all high quality sex toys are made from the finest materials available, like medical grade silicones, pyrex glass, 100% stainless steel. Better materials cost most, which is why these toys are more expensive than others. (Don’t forget that the sex toy industry is not regulated. Manufacturers can use whatever materials they want and can say whatever they want on the packaging. No one is checking. Do you really want anything toxic in or near your genitals?)

When most people switch to high quality sex toys, they never go back to regular sex toys. Quality comes at a premium. When it comes to your pleasure, isn’t quality and piece of mind worth it?

This is a Guest Post from

Stacy Rybchin is a sex toy expert and the Founder & Chief Curator of My Secret Luxury™. After one fateful night in New York City, she founded My Secret Luxury™ to celebrate the unique passions of every person. After realizing that all other stores carried thousands of products — from low-end to high-end, she created a store that carries a curated selection of only the best high quality body-safe adult toys that embody style, design and functionality. The mission of My Secret Luxury™ is to inspire love, romance, and intimate moments one satisfied customer at a time through high quality sex toys and sex accessories, which provide the occasion to give and get pleasure, grow love, celebrate intimacy, and introduce fun.

Getting What You Want – 3 Things NOT to do

 Posted by on June 24, 2013
Jun 242013
 

istock_000002640222xsmall-8250906The most sure-fire way to get what you want out of any interaction is breathtakingly simple: make the other party want to give it to you.

Anyone can use negative tactics & force get what they want in the short term, the savvy kinkster creates positive experiences to forge connections that keep on giving over time. To that end, I’ve listed my top three pet peeves in the community – the best thing about these negative behaviors is that they are great examples of what not to do.

Peeve: Vanishing after making a play date – or any other sort of promise.

Solution: Don’t create unrealistic expectations. Do what you say you will do, when you say you will do it. The intersection of fantasy and reality is an emotionally tumultuous place ripe for damage to either party’s feelings as well as your reputation if not handled with care. If you have already given your word and then thought better of it, be honest, contact the person as far in advance as possible and let them know you cannot do what is expected. If they too are an honorable person, they may be disappointed but they will accept your gracious apology. If they flip their lid despite your well-mannered approach, their reaction is their own – though I suspect you likely saved yourself a much larger future headache.

Peeve: The presumption that because a person identifies as a Top or Dominant that every submissive or bottom is required to bend to their will.

Solution: Approach each person you meet with a genuine interest in who they are and how they like to be treated or don’t approach them at all. If a submissive or bottom chooses to show deference to a Top or Dominant, that is their prerogative, it should not be imposed upon them. Conversely, if a Top or Dominant chooses not to accept the deference of an individual as an invitation to interact further in this way, they too should not be made to feel obligated. Anyone who attempts to persuade you into any behavior after you have clearly said no is waving a red flag – heed the warning and move on.

Peeve: Boorish behavior such as Dom/mes who constantly attempt to Top everyone around them via bullying and/or disruptive behavior. In a tie for best example are subs/bottoms who behave in an obnoxious manner to attempt to illicit a vitriolic response.

Solution: Ignore them. If they cannot be ignored, politely remove yourself from their company. If you cannot escape their presence, let the person know that their behavior is unacceptable either directly or via your host if you feel uncomfortable. In the event that this person IS your host, take your patronage elsewhere. Make no mistake, someone who non-consensually enacts their will upon another is not a Dominant or a Smart Ass Masochist, they are an Attention Whore. Paying any heed to their demands will only fuel further bad behavior. The only way to deal with such a person is to take your attention away. No fair sticking around but complaining about their behavior, in doing so you are implicitly complying with their demand for high drama.

I would like to be able to tell you that the kink scene is a non-judgmental utopia. It’s not. Your peers judge you on how you treat others. People will cross paths with those with whom you have interacted and they will compare notes. Your most precious possession is your reputation, nurture it well. Your most valuable tool is your respect, apply it liberally, especially to yourself.

Originally posted on August 30,2010

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